Back to School Pictures and Bucking the System: How Every-Day Conversations Drive Empathy and Inclusion

If your social media feeds are anything like mine, they are currently filled with first day of school pictures. It’s so fun to see all these kids heading off to new adventures, especially after the ups and downs and ins and outs of last year. Some of them I have known since they were born, some only as pictures on their parents’ Facebook accounts, but all of their back-to-school pictures make me smile.?

For many families, like my own, starting school means more than cute pictures. It means reengaging with conversations about what to wear and why it matters.?

What to wear and why: Navigating biases at school and the workplace

I’m an advocate for school uniforms, but since our public school doesn’t mandate them, I’ve set my own rules for my boys. Shirt with a collar, no athletic shorts. Through negotiations, the boys translate that into nice-ish t-shirts (usually a graphic nerd herd tee of some type), a button down (open to show said shirt) and flat-front shorts. BUT, I also let them have casual Fridays where they can dress down (just nothing with holes in it please!)?

As my incoming junior was getting ready for his second day of school last week, I reminded him that it was Friday and he could dress down. He paused and said, “Yeah, but it’s my first day with B classes and those teachers haven’t met me yet.” And proceeded to grab nice shorts and a button down.

These are the kinds of talks Black families have to have. We often discuss the particular challenges of Black and Brown kids and how to navigate the biases of teachers and school administrators. I wish we didn’t have to, but we still do. The disproportionate amount of disciplinary actions taken against Black students is disheartening. There is much work to be done.?

I was encouraged by my son’s choice, which meant he has been listening to our talks and really understanding them. It’s important to celebrate the little wins, especially with teenagers and their angst, so I’m going to hold on to this little win TIGHT today.

The system isn’t broken. The system needs to change.

It also made me think about how different groups have to do similar types of navigation in the workplace. Just like my boys have to wear certain clothes to school to ensure that they are not seen in a particular light, women have to think about how they present themselves at the office. Is the dress too short, is the shirt too tight, is the hair too “natural,” is the tone of voice assertive enough to be taken seriously but not so much that we become “bossy” (or another, even less flattering B word.)?

For Black and Brown employees, the lines can be even more delicate. Speaking of hair, it is LEGAL in all but 10 states to discriminate against a person in the workplace or schools because of their natural or protective hairstyle. No wonder Black women are 1.5x more likely to be sent home from work or school because of their hair. The CROWN Act is working hard to change this situation at the legislative level, but has yet to pass. And if/when it does, it won’t address the underlying biases that made it necessary in the first place.?

As a Black woman who has straightened my hair to present myself in “mainstream” situations, I feel this one personally. ?(See my post about that here.)

All of these accommodations are ways that we try to navigate the perilous waters of “standard” norms. But that standard was defined by middle-aged white men years ago. In our state of survival, we weave through that old way of thinking. Because, sadly, the system isn’t broken. It’s working exactly the way that it was set up.?

Inclusion requires creating new standards and systems

That’s why I got involved in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion work. I wanted to help create systems where everyone had a fair shot at being successful. It’s not enough to figure out how to navigate the current system, we need to create a new one: one where diversity is valued, not shunned.?

Inclusion in the workplace means creating a new system. It means allowing people to express their style and personality, whether that’s their communication or management style or how they dress or do their hair. It’s embracing each member of the team for who they are without expecting them to conform to an old standard and punishing them, even in tiny, subtle ways, when they don’t.?

These norms are deeply ingrained, of course, and will not change overnight. But we can move toward that change with something as simple as conversations. Conversations with our kids, who are listening even (especially) when we think they’re not. Conversations with our colleagues about our life experiences. Conversations with our leaders about growing ourselves and our organizations in positive, forward ways.

I’m proud to share that my son was thoughtful about his dress choices, even if he shouldn’t have to make them. He’s learning valuable real-world lessons, and I hope that by sharing this story, it will open new eyes and hearts to a better understanding of our life experiences in our current culture. That’s how we create empathy. Empathy, in turn, is a critical component of equity and inclusion.?

The power of conversation, life experiences, and empathy

In this age of connectivity, a plethora of technology, networks, and platforms make the opportunity to share highly accessible. Hearing about how an issue impacts someone you know, trust, or care about hits… different. While it may take a leap of faith, I highly encourage you to share your stories. It’s a great way to not only connect to others but to build awareness and allies.?

And we need allies to make changes. I’m not saying to share cat memes over Slack all day (although my cat, Jelly, has a social following of her own); maybe it’s just taking three minutes at the beginning or end of a Zoom call to ask about someone’s kid (or cat.) Maybe it’s joining or starting an affinity group. Maybe it’s sending a text to that teammate that you haven’t seen in a while just to check in. Maybe it’s sharing with someone how your kid has to go to battle daily against biases based on his choice of attire. (No, you can’t wear a dark hoodie and walk around the neighborhood at night with your friends.)?

Until things change, I will try to keep my boys safe by guiding them to make smart decisions on what to wear. I will also keep sharing my experiences. Sharing our life experiences is a powerful way to create connection and begin to change the system, so that one day, what we wear doesn’t adorn us in negative biases. Like my soul sister Maya Angelou says, when we know better, we can do better.?

Here's a photo of one of my favorites of the t-shirts my boys choose. We are a proud nerd family. Shout out to Snorg Tees for having great nerd gear!

#diversity #inclusion #empathy