Back to School at 44.

I spent 21 years as a digital marketeer.?I thought my experience counted, but nothing prepared me for the new world.?And at age 44, I decided to go back to school, and I am starting school; it is not new in the family though, my father took his Ph.D. at 45 after taking his third master's from Princeton.??While a complete career change is rare, and this is not one, I hope this will prove right and help me keep up.?

I had my first midlife crisis in 2018. It started with the market changing colors, newer players occupying the digital domain, the old veteran ‘the pioneer’ was trying to catch up.?Salaries got delayed and cuts happened, and I chose the next best option – a partnership business with like-minded people.?

Then I was a 42-year-old married digital marketeer with three young children, who appeared to be living a more than satisfactory life. But as the sudden axe of challenges appeared, I looked at my career, which was doing better than I ever imagined, I still took the right call: I don’t want this anymore.

I took my domain knowledge elsewhere, started right but the sudden thrust into the big business world was overwhelming.?I did not have the support system, cash flow challenges cornered me, many decisions were now guided by business calls than anything else.?I did well though, even when the COVID hit, but I could not take anything home.?However, my family stood with me, and even though the idea of my own business had always seemed horrible to them (too much work, too little money, no bragging rights, no recognition, really nothing to recommend it at all) the idea was appreciated for being first in the family to start own venture. My biggest support, my father, passed away five months into the new business. I lost my best friend and advisor. ?I pushed and pulled, hiring young and good minds, but then was taken advantage of, the team saw through my weakness – being new and raw.?It wasn’t going according to the plan.???After going through the journey for nearly two years, I rejoined the working world again.?

The new role also came with challenges.?Demanding clients, limited resources, lack of knowledge, and new domains, all took their toll.?My core functions were put aside, I jumped into the new role with all my might.?In the raw days, I once again found myself Googling new areas of work, like Magento, Shopify and was again greeted by vast unknown terrain. This time, instead of thinking I was too old, I thought: I don’t care, I’m going to get this done. But that grandstanding had limited success, I had to assume a different role soon, one that of managing the show all over again amongst a new set of people, who looked at me with sympathies.?For them, it was another leader of the division.?

But then there was a little financial sacrifice in quitting, so decided to stay put. Even though my new role hardly paid for anything, the rewards would be good if I turned this around.?My savings had exhausted, I started being prudent, for a change.?Dave Ramsey became my hero.?I was now barely a fifth of my old one.?

A few months later, I started marching into the office as a victor, bringing in new clients, while somehow delivering on the old projects.??The team expanded, I thought I could do it all.?The market that paid well was now overcrowded with numerous suppliers who offered services for a mere fraction of the cost.?Experience and relationships counted.?I still had the numbers as people still called in, old friends mattered.

But I never became comfortable, almost a year into the journey, I had challenges galore.?Overwhelmed with demanding clients, delayed deliveries, mocked for promises, smacked for performance, I was becoming a liability.?And I started looking like a well-stuffed punching bag, literally too, as I ballooned on all sides.?Sympathetic eyes now became aggressive, called me out for inexperience, and poor leadership.?I had my valid reasons, it was not about money, was never about money but the will to do good was questioned with scoff and sarcasm.??

Meanwhile, a long-running client called in, whom I had helped with communication, asking me to join the college, an IVY League type prestigious institution.?Forced, cajoled, and offered me the seat, and with much reluctance, went through the admission procedure.?Got selected and here I am.?

When I told people what I was planning to do, they all either said I was mad or (which amounted to the same thing) brave. But getting jacked from all sides to facing the biggest dilemma (was taught the correct meaning of the word in the first class of the course) – I was desperate. Though I didn’t admit it at the time, I was entirely burnt out – I had been in the same situation for an interminably unimaginative 21 years – and was showing the classic symptoms. I was cynical about the value of what I did and of the communication business, I was part of.?I also felt the advice I was offering to clients was now weak. The very thought of selling chocolate in the morning, banking at mid-day, education in the afternoon, and delivery service in the evening was tiring.? Online meetings occupied life 24/7, and the WhatsApp groups constantly pushed messages with colleagues screengrabbing the read receipts.

It is crazy for me to quit at 44 when my children are all at school and required a certain amount of financial support every month. But the case study in the first-class got me thinking.? If you do not, you will still be fighting the same battle with the same outcome. Analyze and have short, mid, and long-term plans. ?And then again, leaving is hard, it is jeopardy and risk is all on me. ?It is better than being bitter, being brutally butchered.?The need to sharpen my weapons, replenish my armory is now guiding the decision-making.?I am cheerfully telling myself that this is going to be good.?The age, confidence, and experience will come in handy.?

Having worked with big entities like Malayala Manorama and the Tata group, I have never regretted any decision that I have made except my financial management. ?But what I regret the most is not standing up to family members, employers, clients, and colleagues who found a way to take advantage of me.?I am in an altered state, waking up in the middle of the night to think, what am I doing.??Will I be able to go on much longer, given the age and financial requirements??If my health holds out, and with divine help which I have been experiencing all along, I do not see why I shouldn’t.?

I do wish that I had taken this plunge earlier.?But it took a client or clients, whose not-so-kind words inspired me to call it a day. ??I will forever be grateful to them. ?I also wish that everyone was taught at the outset that it was normal for their income to rise and fall precipitously over their working lives, and to plan for that. I wish that my story was so commonplace that there would be no point in my writing it.?I hope this story will have a happier ending and I make it out okay.? I plan to announce this to the world soon and I will keep you updated.