Back from the Brink

Becoming a Toxic Relationship and Depression Survivor

 I've always been passionate about supporting others in developing themselves and spent most of my 'career' in education management. My role involved a significant amount of coaching and pastoral care. I enjoyed it so much that I found myself drawn to life coaching and in 2009 I did my first training as a life coach. I started part-time and absolutely loved it. I found it so fulfilling.

But it was at the same time that I actually started a downhill spiral – without realising it.

By this time I'd been in an abusive relationship for 9 years - 7 of which were actually separated from him. I would have chosen to be divorced but I didn’t feel it was ‘safe’ to pursue that as I knew he definitely didn’t want it. To cut a long story short, the abuse started when I became pregnant in 2000; we separated a couple of years later; the abuse continued; I was 'managing' the situation like the superwoman I was, convincing myself I could handle whatever was thrown at me for the sake of our daughter; there was a significant incident in 2008; feelings of anxiety started and in hindsight I realise I started entering into a state of depression; in 2010 I finally got the courage to tell my parents of the situation with my ex but without apology my parents made a conscious choice to maintain friendly contact with my ex; I had a breakdown; went to group therapy; went on antidepressants; started feeling better...

2012...enter the covert narcissist. He was the knight in shining armour for the first three months, and then, things gradually started changing - so slowly I didn’t realise it. Another long story short, eighteen months later, with all the deceit, gaslighting, unfounded allegations, constant lying, I really thought I was losing it. Almost 2 years into the relationship I was lucky enough to come across some evidence of his intention to betray me to such an extent that it would have significantly affected my livelihood in the future.

 Knowing that someone valued me so little that they were willing to use me in that way, drove me to despair and feeling completely worthless. 'I must be worth so little for someone to treat me that way.' Enter serious depression and suicidal thoughts.

 I went to therapy for a few months, even tried three different therapists, but nothing seemed to improve. In fact, every time I left my therapy session or my depression review consultation with my GP, I just felt more depressed.

 But in early 2016 I came across the book Back from the Brink by Graeme Cowan. It made me think ‘for f*cks sake, if these people can come back from the brink, then I have no bloody excuse’. So, I actually stopped therapy and after committing to making some basic lifestyle changes, things slowly started improving for me and my mindset started changing. Instead of trying to find out why these things had happened to me I started concentrating on how things should be and where I wanted to be.

 But I was not your typical empath – the type of person who tends to attract toxic people. Right until the incident in 2008 and about 9 months into my relationship with my 2nd poor partner choice, my behaviour still represented the strong, confident woman I always considered myself to be - victim to no one or anything. This is one of the things I struggled coming to terms with when working on my recovery. I could not handle being a victim. A victim to a man… and a victim to depression.

 But I came to realise that the main obstacle in my recovery was that I did not love myself. No matter how many times I say or write those words ‘to love myself’ they don’t stop sounding really corny – lol. But I do think not loving ourselves is the reason most of us fall victim to any ‘toxic person’. If anyone had asked me at just about any time in the past whether I loved myself, I would have said ‘don't be bloody stupid, of course I love myself!’. I had an unusual self-confidence and resilience. And if you'd asked anyone who knew me at the time they would have told you the same thing. I was Miss Super Confident Super Woman! I could do anything and handle anything!

 This led me to fully reassess my life and I truly feel I wouldn’t have reached this positive place I am today if I hadn’t had to climb out of the depths of despair. I have learnt to love myself and know that I am good enough – and that that good enough is enough.

 But by the time I'd been able to get my mental health in pretty good shape, my body started telling me ‘whoah girl’. Initially I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia with blood tests showing many of my nutrient levels were super low with my Vit B12 and D almost non-existent. My doctor couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling depressed. I realised I must have coached myself pretty well back to health – my mental health anyway. Shortly after I also tested positive for SIBO. All the acute stress and anxiety I experienced since that first incident when I was pregnant most certainly contributed to this. And the journey in rebuilding my health has been a long one - and still work in progress...

 It was from my research into my health problems which led me to realise the importance of a healthy diet and lifestyle to maintain our mental/brain health.

 My life coaching practice used to focus on supporting individuals with their general life challenges, building their self-esteem, confidence, reaching goals etc. For a couple of years I actually stopped coaching due to my deep depression – as I was in a fit state to support others. But since having recovered from depression and my toxic relationships, I have a passion to support those in similar situations and now focus my practice on helping individuals recover from toxic relationships and overcoming low mood and depression – committed to getting them to a thriving state without them having to reach the depths of despair first like I did.

 For those of you in toxic relationships, for just about all of us, the warning signs were there from day one. Those of you who have had the courage to leave a toxic relationship will most likely recognise this thought of ‘how on earth did I not see that!’. But I know that those who are still in one are most probably still in the state of ‘what the f*ck is going on?’ But the first step you need to take is to believe you can get through this by taking the ‘right action’ no matter what your heart and head are shouting at you. And if you need help, reach out.

 And for those of you struggling with depression, believe that with lifestyle changes together with conversations on actions to take to help you step out of the mindf*cks you might have, you can not only survive... but thrive again. But you need to make a choice to survive and reach out for help.

 I'm no psychiatrist, psychologist or neurologist, but I am a life coach who has lived that nightmare myself. And therapy just didn't seem to get me out of my serious funk. At the end of the day, when I was at a crossroads in deciding whether to live or die, I made a decision to fully commit to living. What did I have to lose...?

If this story resonates with you… what do you have to lose?

Be good to yourself ?