Baby Loss and Miscarriage - My Personal Experience

I want to talk about something incredibly personal. Baby loss and miscarriage. I think this will be the hardest thing I have ever written or shared but I think it’s important for me to add to this dialogue. I am not seeking sympathy but I would like to help those who find themselves in this situation so they know there are others that understand.

This is from my perspective but please understand this was something that my wife and I went through together.

My wife and I lost our baby Shannon 8 years ago and they would have been due today. I still cry thinking about Shannon.

My wife and I struggled to get pregnant, we started taking Clomifene under medical supervision. Nothing happened for a long time but we did eventually fall pregnant after we had undergone all the usual tests without finding any issues. The joy, the fear, the everything was next level as I’m sure lots of people know.

I was working on renovating our home and building our future for our family. It was a lot and while it was quite frankly terrifying, it was exciting too.

We went to our 12-week scan appointment and I went in to the room with my wife. We were smiling and making jokes and figuring stuff out. It’s burnt in to my brain. All of a sudden, the midwife starts looking at the screen very closely and everything goes quiet. She says that she will need to get a colleague and that I need to return to the waiting room. I’m confused and I don’t know what is going on and I sort of blindly wander back to waiting area feeling completely lost. About 10 mins later (it could have been 2 hours for all I really know), my wife comes out of the room in tears. There was no heartbeat. Our child was still. Our world fell apart and we hugged.

Before I continue, I want to say I am not angry with that midwife but I want you to know that in my mind you failed in your care that day. I should not have been asked to leave my wife in that room. My wife shouldn’t have had to face that on her own and neither should I.

We went home, I was trying to hold it all together for my wife. I had to make sure she was okay as she could be. I don’t think I was doing that just for her benefit but because it’s the only way I could function.

I was working for a company at the time and I had to phone my boss, that sudden bit of normality caused me to fall apart. I started to cry. My boss, bless him, was incredible with all the skills he had. I don’t think he knew what to do when I started to sob but he just told me to leave things, focus on my wife and do whatever I needed to. He organised compassionate leave for not just that moment but for the medical procedure to induce Shannon. That wasn’t company policy, it was because he was a good person. Thank you mate, if you happen to read this.

I also had an upcoming go live and I had to resist shutting out the pain and just focusing on work. I worked between the news and the medical procedure. I made the client aware that it might not be me that was running it because of the procedure but I didn’t know the date yet. They didn’t know what the procedure was but knew it was for my wife and that I would need to be there. The client was so supportive and understanding, I truly cannot thank them enough, even though they didn’t know it was connected to baby loss.

This is incredibly hard to write but it was much harder to live through.

So we opt to go to the medical route and had to drive to one of the hospitals in Glasgow. My wife and I waited there for what I remember as about 12 hours and nothing happened so we were told to go home and come back if things started to happen and if they didn’t then it would need to be “surgically managed”. We got in the car and about 20 mins later, the bleeding increased so I turned around we headed back to the hospital.

The staff were wonderful and we briefly got to meet Shannon. They were so tiny and perfect. I will never forget them and how beautiful they were. I love you sweetheart.

The pain, even today is intense.

We went on to do two unsuccessful rounds of IVF as we couldn’t do the full three through the NHS due to my wife turning 40 (this was revised down from 42, during our first cycle).

We didn’t pursue any other option after this. I simply couldn’t. The pain was too much for me and I know my wife was disappointed but completely understood. I also experienced baby loss when I was much younger and I couldn’t face another attempt.

Life moved on and with some other things that also went wrong, I entered probably my worse 18-month depression that I have ever experienced. The guilt of the loss and the feelings around it. The intrusive thoughts such as sometimes feeling a little glad that I wasn’t going to be a father despite wanting to be more than anything, because of the fear and nerves. I really struggled with my mental health.

I hid my depression from my wife. I didn’t want to burden her with any more. In hindsight this was an idiotic thing to do.

Things have improved now and I am okay. That’s why I chose to write this. Not for internet points or LinkedIn clout but if I can just let one person know that there are people that understand and things can get better, I will be happy with that outcome.

There are a few things I want to say in closing this out. Firstly I’m sorry my wife having to go through this too. Secondly, the support services offered to male half of the couple are not none existent but it’s 99% focused on the mum and while I don’t want those support options reduced, we need to be better at supporting the father too. Particularly secular support, I know that hospital chaplains are there and trained to support those of any faith and even no faith but that shouldn’t feel like it’s the primary support option.

Can I please ask people don’t suggest adoption as option. That’s a personal choice and I don’t need it pointed out as a possibility.

If anyone reading this wants to talk, then my contact number is on my LinkedIn profile. I don’t just mean to say that to men, I mean anyone. I am not a trained professional but I have been through it and I understand some of the complexed feelings.

If you need help, here are some resources:

Baby Loss Awareness Week: https://babyloss-awareness.org/support/

Samaritans: Phone 116 123

Breathing Space (Scotland only): https://www.breathingspace.scot/

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Anyone that is facing this or has done, you have my love. Take care of yourselves and please don’t face the darkness on your own. I chose to live my life now, childless but with different sources of happiness.

Oh and I still answer the question “Do you have kids?” with a “Mmm no”.