Ayahuasca - My Experience & My Story

It is Saturday, November 5th, 2022 and I am writing this on my flight home from a weeklong “Herbal Wellness Retreat” in Costa Rica.

The following is my experience and my story.

What is it I mean by “herbal wellness” you ask? Ayahuasca. A plant native to Colombia that contains DMT, a psychoactive compound. DMT is a Schedule 1 Drug and is illegal in the United States. Per the DEA, DMT possesses “no currently accepted medical use.”

Let’s rewind the clock. Back to 2013. I graduated from College and was fortunate to get a great opportunity in the commercial real estate finance industry. Within a few years, I was making good money and was offered Partnership. I continued my focus on professional success, acquired more equity in the company, and began to build my own portfolio of commercial real estate.

During this early period of my career, I was blessed with a lot of moments of achievement. When I closed a big deal, I felt immense pride. Initially, this pride and satisfaction was lasting, sometimes for weeks. Upon closing, I would be so excited to share the news with the world. I would post something self-congratulatory on LinkedIn and send out a blast on Constant Contact. “Look at me!” I would say. “Aren’t I special and smart and successful?”

I was looking for external validation and I ultimately received it. But did this validation do anything to improve my mood? Did the “likes” and the “thumbsup” bring me any sustained, internal satisfaction? No.

In fact, the irony is that as the deals got larger over time, the happiness derived from each individual success was less and less. The diminishing returns frustrated me and I found myself with fewer “high highs” and more “low lows.” I started scrambling for answers. What can I possibly do next that will give me this satisfaction, this purpose, this contentment that I am in such need of? At this point, I knew that it definitely wasn’t going to come from “the next deal.”

To compound my feelings of emptiness, I was at a crossroads in life, unsure which next step would be the right step. I had sold my equity in my prior company and was realizing that the growth of our new multi-family investment venture would likely slow due to distortions in the market.

So without any professional structure remaining in my life, what is it that I can do to wash away my feelings of sadness and lack of purpose?

I tried a lot of things. I started dating someone new. I purchased the sleekest, most expensive TV that I could find. I bought all new furniture. I bought a MetaQuest (still haven’t opened the box) and I moved into a swanky new building. Heck, I even convinced myself that if I bought that $1,200 new rug that that would be the answer! (Not gonna lie the rug is pretty badass.)

But did this new relationship or material possessions give me what I was looking for? No. In fact, after this binging of purchases all I ended up with was feelings of guilt and regret. The emptiness inside was growing and was impacting my ability to function on a day-to-day basis. Perhaps from the outside I was doing very well, but I couldn’t sleep and I had a difficult time maintaining my commitments to others. I knew the person I was capable of being, but I also knew that I wouldn’t get there if this downward spiral continued.

So if a new significant other and new shiny things aren’t the answer, then what is?

Could it be experiences?

This is when I really started my deep dive into the Ayahuasca rabbit hole. I heard Aaron Rodgers speak about it on the Joe Rogan podcast. I heard Ron White talk about his life-changing experience with Tom Segura. I watched multiple documentaries, specifically the incredible ones produced by Aubrey Marcus.

In a moment of desperation, I knew I had to give it a try. I didn’t do any research on venue for my Ayahuasca experience. I heard Ron White speak glowingly about Rythmia and it sounded like a pretty good spot to me. I booked the trip.

Rythmia’s primary marketing pitch is “Are you ready to get your miracle?” I thought it was a pretty “woo woo” advertising claim and I was likely in store for a “bait and switch” situation. But at this point, I felt like I had nothing to lose.

I arrived at Rythmia in Guanacaste, Costa Rica on Saturday, October 29th, 2022. I wasn’t feeling well and I was starting to second guess my decision. What the heck I am I doing here? This is crazy!

Our first Ayahuasca ceremony was two days later. I drank three full cups of what was perhaps the most disgusting brew I had ever tasted. The Shaman delivered it to me… I was ready. Give me the visuals. Give me the healing.

And… drumroll please…

It ended up being one of the worst nights of my life. Not only did I not find enlightenment or bliss from the Ayahuasca, I instead found extreme nausea and pain. Nausea and pain that lasted 8+ hours.

The next day I was in despair. Maybe this stuff just doesn’t work for me? Maybe I am broken beyond repair? Maybe I should go home and just forget about this crazy decision I made.

I decided to stick it out for another night. We were due for our second Ayahuasca ceremony. Second time is the charm right? Nope. Repeat of the first night. Pain, anxiety, sweat, mosquitos feasting on my blood. I started to notice others around me having a different, better experience and I felt deep envy. Why is it that they can have this wonderful experience but I cannot?

The next day was Wednesday and I was at an all time low. I didn’t even want to get out of my room. A few others in my group of 50+/- had already given up and left early. I was starting to think it might be a good idea to join them. When contemplating this with others in my group, I was assured that my time would come (I didn’t believe them).

Wednesday night was my third ceremony. As expected, it started out poorly. As I felt the pain and nausea come on, however, I shifted my mindset. Per the advice of the Rythmia Counselors and Shamans, I focused on the pain. I told the pain to give me more. Instead of running away from the pain, I doubled down on it. Instead of resisting this uncomfortable feeling, I surrendered myself to it. Instead of being selfish about not having a good experience thus far, I started thinking about others around me. I hope that they can find peace, I thought. If it doesn’t happen for me, well then hopefully at least others around me can be healed.

This shift towards a selfless mindset is what Mother Ayahuasca needed from me. She rewarded me. My pain went away. The nausea lifted. My experience radically shifted. I felt reborn. I opened and closed my hands seemingly for the first time. I felt ecstasy in every square inch of my body. I felt sensations that I hadn’t felt in years… emotions seemingly boiling out of me that I didn’t realize I was capable of. I became aware of the beauty in the world. I walked outside and relished in the bliss of letting the cold wet grass comb through my toes. I sat next to the fire, watching the flames in amazement. I looked up at the stars in wonderment. I listened to the music all around me and felt overwhelming love and energy. I felt clarity. I felt peace.

The experience itself was wonderful. But like every other “drug” I have done, this feeling would go away in the morning right? This improvement in my mental health couldn’t possibly be sustained… right?

But it was.

The best way I can describe the shift in my mindset is towards one of “Presentism.” I am not sure if that’s a word but it perfectly sums up how I feel. Prior to my trip to Rythmia, I was never present. I was either living in the shame of my past or the anxiety of my future. Living in the present, it turns out, is the miracle that I was looking for.

I have a lot more to share and if you would like to reach out to me, I would be more than happy to discuss further. However, I think there are certain things I should leave out because they are intended to be discovered rather than told. Maybe you are reading this and you are like me. Maybe you have some financial resources and a veneer of professional and personal success. But you too realize that something is missing in your life. You too realize that watching that next show on Netflix isn’t really doing anything for you. You too recognize the lack of human connection in the world as you step outside and see everyone glued to their phone rather than bonding with one another.

I am not sure if I am forever healed. In fact, I would say I am probably not and that there is still a lot more work to do. But for now, I feel at peace. I possess the feeling of contentment that I was so deeply yearning for. If you too want this, I would encourage you to look into Rythmia. I am still at my crossroads in life and am not sure which next step is the right step. But in the meantime, helping others get their miracle is probably not a bad start. Feel free to call me at 858.761.6251 if you want to talk.