Awareness Is a State of Mind-Title,Disclaimer and Introduction

Awareness Is a State of Mind

The Attributes of Overall Human Wellness As It Relates to Mental Health Misfortunes

(Achieving Balance Within The Unbalanced Mind)

Elizabeth Rose Newton

July, 2016

Table of Contents

Disclaimer

Introduction (The Last 15 Years)

1.Spirituality

2.Meditation

3.Writing/Journaling

4.Time, Space, Perception, Attitude

5.Music/Art/Nature and Other Gifts

6.Being Human/Caring for My Body

7.Relationships with Others

8.Pain/Trauma/Grieving

9.Insecurities/Intentions/Stress/Anxiety

10.Jails, Institutions, and Other Fun Things

11.Sex/Making Love

12.Love/Intimacy

13.Fear/Death

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to you, the reader.

You have given me so much inspiration just by being who you are…

Wherever you are,

Whatever you are doing,

THANK YOU.

DISCLAIMER

I am not a doctor of any sort.?

I have maybe 2 years of college courses under my belt (waistband).?Half of the credits are towards a Psychology degree, and the other half are towards whatever.

I would love to be a psychologist.?We are ALL fascinating creatures.?

I would love to be a pastor at a church.?I love God.?He helps me a lot. He is everywhere, all of the time.

I would love to be some kind of a rock star.?I do music very well.?It lives in me.

I am a mom. I am a friend, and I AM a certain kind of rock star.

I am the person I was created to be.

I do not have a college degree.?I do, however, have an array of experiences and insights that I can share with you that I believe may be very helpful to you.

I was diagnosed bi-polar several years ago, and after already going through so many life changes in a short amount of time, I considered this diagnosis a literal death sentence.?Even before that, (but especially after that diagnosis) my opinions and perceptions of myself were extremely skewed.?I never felt right, and my actions always end up reflecting my mental health.?My mental health was suffering, and so I viewed myself as suffering. Eternally.?Forever.

Throughout my various seasons and cycles of change, I have always wanted, more than anything, to be considered “stable”, but I knew in order to be considered stable, I would actually have to BE stable.?I was always seeking help, and I always found it.?I have always found what I genuinely wanted for myself, whether it was something “good” for me or “bad” for me.

I have always wanted to be able to feel like I could be the same person in any group of people or situation (wishing I felt the same way about myself no matter who I was with at the time. Not being so easily affected by everything and everyone).?

I finally AM that person.?After years of AA, therapy, groups, rehabs, psych wards, churches, suicide attempts, jail, marriages, music, kids, being well, not being well, being sober, not being sober, liking myself, killing myself…

My approach to my wellness is mine.?As yours is yours. I am a vessel, and a messenger that can only do what my heart leads me to do.?Each of us is unique with a very different story to tell.?Each story is a gift.

My approach to my existence MUST be spiritual, because that is what I was created to be.?It is what I was created to share, and so, I start with me.?I only have my experiences to draw from.?

My hope is that you can relate, even if it is just one sentence.?I hope my words soften your heart as they soften mine to write them.?This is a gift to me and to you.?

If you become offended, then set the book down for 5 minutes, come back, and open it up to a different spot.?Or, give it to someone you think would like it.?This is meant to provide joy and comfort.?Enjoy!

Since She’s Been Gone (The Last 15 Years)

It’s not so much what happened, but what happened after.

It is a strange feeling, at first, to think about someone that existed for a very short time but was never actually born.

I guess I’ve never felt safe enough (within myself) to spend any time really thinking about her.?I do believe she would have been a girl.?I had a dream once a couple few years after I made my choice.?I saw her with her brown shoulder length hair… So sweet. I think that was her.?It comforts me to think that was her.

I did not cope very well after the abortion, nor did the idea of coping with anything come into my mind at any point.?There was nothing to “cope” with, nothing to “get through”.?I didn’t think like that when I was 18.?I simply kept doing what I was doing.?Of course, looking back now from 33, I can see that I was coping in the ways I was comfortable with at the time.

I have been blessed with the curse and cursed with the blessing of a certain kind of chemical imbalance in my brain that has made me an addict of passion.?It’s not so much my thoughts and feelings that were extreme (they are suppose to be extreme sometimes!), but my physical reactions to my thoughts and feelings are what makes me an addict.

Non-addicts think about doing crazy things, and when bad things happen to them, I am sure they do want to run away from what’s happening to avoid feeling emotional discomfort, but they seem to have some kind of “stop button” that other people, like myself, don’t have.

Discontentment was my constant companion.?I was a thrill-seeker of emotional and physical experiences, and these experiences provided momentary satisfaction.

I didn’t think about her at all, really, until I started working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous after obtaining my 1st DUI, shortly after I turned 20.

It was while writing my moral inventory in my 4th step, and in sharing it all with my sponsor that I thought of her.?But at the time, I did not know how to think of her.?It’s almost as if it never happened, however, I could remember laying on the table and everything else about it.?I just had no feelings attached to the memory.

So, I let it go, completely.?I gave it to God, literally, in the form of prayer, on my knees, trusting Him to reveal more to me when He would think me ready to receive such information.

I had become a very spiritually open person rather quickly while in AA.?The “God-Concept” felt very good in my heart.?It made sense to me, and made me feel secure, so I kept it.?Come to find out, my relationship with God has been forever and always present.?I am just very easily distracted, but, I have learned that every perceived “distraction” has served its purpose in my life, regardless of how I perceived it at the time.

I began using the memory of the abortion as a way to help women I would meet that would happen to bring it up in intimate conversation.?I believe I helped them in some way just by sharing the fact that I experienced it.?

It is funny how something like that can make us feel so unique in such a negative way.?It is such a sensitive issue that we never know who to really talk to sometimes.?We typically do not like to offend or upset anyone, and we don’t like feeling like we have to defend who we are as human beings or argue insecurities.?It is exhausting, unnecessary, and an unwise use of our precious energy.?This can be applied to any trauma or situation.?This is why I have found it to be very important to know many different kinds of good people.?Finding and maintaining good friendships has been proven to be very beneficial to the human soul.

Since she has been gone, in the last 15 years, I have been married and divorced twice, and engaged in between. I have received 3 DUI’s, which makes me a felon. I have been in jail 3 times. I have stolen emotionally and physically from the people that loved me when I didn’t love myself, and I guess in that way, I have robbed myself.?Every time I hurt other people, I end up hurting myself a little bit.?I have been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, bi-polar, and borderline personality disorder.?I considered all of these things to be little death sentences, and ammo that I would eventually use against myself.?I have damned myself before even trying to save myself.

I have attempted suicide several times.?It doesn’t work.?I get the hint (2x4 to my head) that I am supposed to be here.?I need to be here.?I am fine with that, now.?I want to be alive today.

I have prostituted myself (and shamed myself for enjoying it).

I have abandoned my 3 beautiful children.?I was missing for 2 weeks and came back pregnant.?

I have had a baby adopted.

Her name is Olivia.?It is an open adoption.?She is a beautiful little girl.?She is happy, and getting more love than I could have possibly given to her at that time in my life being newly sober and barely able to take care of the 3 toddlers already in my care.?Her parents had been waiting for 10 years to have a baby.?This is their first time getting to experience what it feels like to have their hearts overflowing with joy… JOY is my favorite thing to talk about.

In the last 15 years, I have experienced immense joy in many different forms.?I have been the bride in 2 weddings.?I have taught music to children.?I have gone to Africa, and been on a few cruises.?I have maintained a 4.0 grade point average majoring in psychology.?I have brightened people’s days by being nice to them.?My children tell me they love me multiple times a day.?They tell each other they love each other just as much. I’ve played piano and sang for a living, performing with countless musicians.?I’ve released an album of all my own classical piano music.?I gave a husband and wife a daughter.

I have had many spiritual experiences.?I will share one of them.

My daughter Evelyn was 3 weeks old when I was finally sentenced and put in jail for my 3rd DUI that I had obtained just before conceiving her with my second husband.?I would be in jail for 74 days.??Once I was in there, I realized how blessed I was after talking to women serving more time for less of a crime.

While I was there, I attended bible studies on a regular basis, and began reading different spiritual literature. I was seeking peace.?As I was reading this book, “The Passion” (loveandmercy.org), I found myself in deep meditation.?Reading it and thinking about my life, I became overwhelmed with a feeling of conviction.?So I asked the Lord, “Have I ever done Your will??Have I ever really pleased You?”?I had certainly tried to build a growing relationship with Him in sobriety (I had maintained almost 5 years of sobriety working the A.A. program).?

I asked God that question, and only a second later, images came to my mind of when each of my 3 children were born.?That was His way of gently reminding me that He knows every single hair on our heads. He knows us before we are born.?That means He knew my children before they were born. (My children are supposed to be here!)?This means that everything that had happened in my life, all of the crazy bipolar drama, all of that was supposed to happen so that my kids could be exactly the way God intended them to be.?I had to go through every moment of every day of my life exactly the way I did.?

If I had not attempted suicide that first time, I would not have met John in the hospital days after.?We would not have been married 6 weeks later (we both were very passionate about starting a family), and Eli, Elton, and Evelyn would not have been born in the following years.?Currently, Eli is 5, Elton is 4, and Evelyn is 3.?They are full of love and raw energy… all of the time.?They motivate me, energize me, and soothe me.?They are my greatest teachers.

If I had not abandoned my children, Olivia would not even exist today.?She was born January 19th, 2015.?

I would change absolutely nothing about my story.

God has had me all along.?He takes me exactly where I need to be.?That is why none of those awful things killed me.?That’s why I was unable to kill my Self. There are reasons we are all here, and sometimes, those reasons are beyond our comprehension in any given moment.?That’s why FAITH is a most important quality to have, especially when it comes to how I speak to myself.?I speak to myself in faith that I am who I need to be to do what needs to be done today, and the things I do, today, will change me in the ways I am supposed to be changed in order for me to become the person I ultimately need to be later on (In this way, I am setting myself up for SUCCESS, as well as building up faith within myself for myself).

I am not saying this all happened as a result of the abortion I had when I was 18.?But what I am saying is that I was created for very unique purposes that only I can carry out.?The same rule applies to every human being on the planet.?Everything within us has been perfectly designed to help us fulfill our purposes (many for everyone) for our entire lifetime.?That means that I actually would love to take care of myself.?I want to be the best me that I can be, and keep myself safe so that I can actively and joyfully participate in my world.?

I understand now, the importance of self-preservation as it pertains to successfully navigating through trauma, in all of its many forms.?Life is quite simple when I prioritize my responsibilities to meet my hearts demands (BaLaNcE).?I meditate every day, as often as possible and in a few different ways, because I want to make sure I am being nice to myself so that I can maintain a steady peace in my mind, and my body.?If I want to have control over my actions, then I need to slow the current moment down enough to become fully aware of what the moment actually is.?I am worth a few extra minutes of my time.?

I am discovering the energy behind cravings and feelings, and from there, I get to choose how I use that energy.?My soul has ownership of my body.?I am the only human being that is responsible for keeping me alive.?I want to stay alive for as long as possible to see what happens next!?

I have started dancing, every day, by myself for myself because it makes me feel sexy, and that gives me quite a bit of confidence.?Today, I am addicted to being good to myself.?I have found that by being my own friend, sister, and parent, I am able to feel more useful.?When I feel useful and filled with good purpose, I end up feeling good all over.

All of these things are keeping me sober and happy today.

Having allowed myself to be free today, and thinking about that little girl I saw in a dream once, I now think of her as a pure and beautiful soul (so bright!).?I am content within my heart regarding her, because I know I will get to meet her, some day, when the timing is just right.?

Until then, I will continue living life with a joyful heart, knowing that I am exactly who I need to be today.?It is an honor and privilege to be one of the many vibrantly changing colors on God’s never-ending canvas.

From one of the first of many journal entries I reread every morning. Written May 14th, 2016, in the Sanctuary of Sacred Heart Rehab in Memphis, Michigan.?One day into detox:

I need to find the delicate balance that exists between living for myself and being what my world needs me to be.?My world is my children.?They are my family.?I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of them.?I survive so they can thrive.

Dear God,

Please help me to protect myself today.?I am a gift to the world, and my children are gifts given to me.?Help me to protect them, as well.?Give me the strength to do what I need to do today for me and for them.?

Thank you.?I love you.?Amen.

When I am lost, I find myself in the pages of my own story that is still being written.?

I am the writer of my story, therefore, I suppose I am never really lost, just busy writing.