Avoiding the Comparison Trap

Dear Graduates,

Congratulations! Soon, you’ll be crossing the stage and it’s an exciting time of year, filled with endless possibilities, changes and opportunities. Yes, there are the tears that come with the goodbyes and the nerves that are to be expected from new surroundings, but it’s in uncertainty and new beginnings that set the stage for us to realize our dreams. But before that can happen, we also need to let go. I don’t mean letting go of the friends and experiences you’re leaving behind; I mean letting go of the expectations that may never have truly been yours to begin with.

In a recent tweet from Adam Grant, he writes, “We spend too much time trying to reach other people’s standards, and too little time defining our own. It’s better to disappoint another person than to lead a life that disappoints you. Success is not about meeting someone else’s expectations. It’s about living up to yours.”

Do we take the time to define our own expectations, standards, and/or goals? Or are we busy trying to live up to someone else’s ideas of success, happiness, joy and/or belonging?

Sometimes, we compare our journey to that of someone else’s – yet we were never meant to walk any path but our own. It’s through comparison, or trying to meet someone else’s standards, that takes away from intentionally defining our own. Psychologists call it the comparison trap , and it can have negative consequences on our mental and physical health. When you’ve spent time surrounded by the same people, or following the same accounts on social media, it’s easy to get caught up in a comparison loop. But this time can be different. After you walk across that stage, take the time to celebrate your accomplishments. Let your achievements add to your confidence and try not to detract from what’s ahead by falling into the trap of meeting someone else’s view of what you should do and who you should be.

Here are some thoughts on how to avoid the comparison trap:

• ?Gratitude. Research shows that gratitude is one of the best ways to mentally overcome challenges in our lives. A good way to develop a gratitude practice is through journaling.
• Challenge your inner critic. Pay attention to the stories you tell yourself about where you should be, and start pushing back against the little voice in your head that says you aren't where you should be. Realistically challenge the negative communication you use with yourself.
• Learn to use comparison as motivation. If feelings of insecurity arise because a friend was accepted into a prestigious program, or made the dean's list, ask yourself why you feel the way that you do. Is maintaining a high grade point average important to you? If yes, then set the intention that you will put in the work to make that a reality for you as well. Comparison can be a powerful motivator, if you learn to use it in a healthy and balanced way.

If there’s one thing I could say to the class of 2022, or to anyone experiencing a transition, it would be this: please allow yourself to experience what’s right in front of you, without any preconceived notions of how things should be. Take the classes that interest you and join clubs that you’re curious about. It’s okay if things aren’t going according to plan. It’s okay if you don’t even really know what that plan is (I graduated years ago, and still don’t really know!). Remember, you’re just getting started. There’s so much more of you the world has yet to see. The possibilities are truly endless….

Rumeet