Avoid Pack-Mule Sentences

Stuffing everything into the same utterance risks losing your reader midstream, especially if it contains sequences of abstract terms that force them to pause frequently to digest each and fathom how it relates to the whole:

BUSINESS BLATHER: Transform your management strategy through predictive intelligence that provides inventory visibility and data-rich insights delivered through a technology-enabled service to help streamline operations, lower costs, and deliver a better patient experience.

Gulp. Too much to swallow. Business communication is rife with obstacle-course sentences that, rather than flow smoothly with incremental meaning, are like picking your way barefoot along a path of irritating pebbles. ?

I have little idea what they were trying to convey in the above passage, but making some assumptions, it might be more clearly expressed like this:

BETTER: Predictive intelligence gathers data from past experience to accurately project future needs. This can help you control inventory, streamline operations, lower costs, and deliver a better patient experience.

Fewer words. More meaning. Nothing tops it.

TIP: Purists might note I split the infinitive “to accurately project.” Once punishable by imprisonment, infinitive splitting is now generally acceptable for two reasons: 1. It’s a clearer way to express the thought; and 2. It’s taking conversational license—that is, rather than adhering to the King’s English, you write in a way we normally speak to make it more relatable. But…

Tip: Conversational license doesn’t condone bad grammar. It’s one thing to connect with your audience using familiar language, like sentences without verbs, occasional slang for emphasis, creative punctuation, or other informalities. Just don’t let it be an excuse to write sloppily. Your readers will know the difference.

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? 2024 Jerry McTigue

Jerry McTigue is an industry-honored copywriter who is the author of seven books and a member of the American Society of Journalists & Authors (ASJA).

Based on the book Business Blather: Stop Using Words That Sound Good But Say Nothing! Available on amazon in both print and Kindle editions.