Avoid the Martyr’s Contest

As I write this article, we are still in a global pandemic. Many business owners are struggling with the downturn. Many are also struggling with an upturn in their sector and the chaos that either of these brings. As I have spoken to new business clients, I have heard more recently than ever that claim; nobody’s problems are as bad as mine. 

I can certainly admit that I have faced similar problems in the past.

Falling into the trap by trying to gain more sympathy from the people than from your competitors. You try to convince yourself by saying; 'My problems are far heavier than his. They should tend to my needs first. Not them.' I hear this referred to as ’The Martyr’s Contest’. Business owners should avoid this at all costs and recognise if they are falling into the trap of the contest.

Being the worst at anything should never be a contest that you want to be in, never mind wanting and trying to win. We need to listen out for and recognise the words we use that show we are heading for or in the contest, such as, ‘You think your day was bad!’. When we hear another person struggling, they are often looking for comfort. They do not benefit from being told their problems are not as bad as yours. How many times have we done this when we get home at the end of the day? We should look for recognition of winning a contest that moves us forward, towards success, not in a contest that paralyses us and holds us back at best. We know we should avoid negative people when we can, so why should we accept becoming one?

I'd like to share a story with you all to better grasp the context. 

I once had a manager in one of my businesses. At the start of his decline in the Martyr’s Trap, he would be negative in his responses and use that saying, ‘If you think you have had a bad day, you should have had mine’. He would then go on to complain in detail about his day. As he started to seek more recognition for winning the competition for the worst day, he would actively seek out conversation with his team. Asking them about their day and problems. Just so he could then beat them hands-down. 

As the days passed by, he then wondered why his team would avoid talking to him. No-one brought their problems to him for solving. They went elsewhere. I started to get team members asking not to work with him and to be moved if they already were. The toxicity was starting to grab hold. It was a hard time to get this manager out of the trap. We lost good team members because of his behavior. Moving forward, that’s when I decided to make sure we avoid the martyr’s trap. I now encourage all of my clients to do the same and dismiss any attempt to start the contest.

Sharing a bad day or problem with your team is a good thing. It helps to solve it efficiently. You get to know more easily about your team's problem-solving capabilities. But, making it a daily habit is another story. It can be toxic to your team. They probably see you as an ineffective leader and may doubt your leadership skills. This will endanger yourself in losing a good team. Choose your problems to share. Problems that you can handle by yourself should be kept within yourself. You can share it with your team once you've already solved it.

This is not just applicable to the business world, but also to your personal life. You may risk losing good friends if you make this a habit. Share your battles wisely.

Take-aways or actions for the reader:

• Listen to your words, think before you speak, and avoid the trap.
• Consider how you would feel if someone was trying to counter your reach out for comfort with one-upmanship.
• Be careful of your behavior at home or outside of work, the toxicity of this goes in and out both ways.
• If you have had a nightmare of a day, seek reassurance and a way out of the trap, not to sink deeper into it.
• If you speak with someone who, like you is struggling, offer assistance, comfort, and help, at all times. It will make both of you feel better.
• Outlaw complaints!