Avoid These Joy Killers

Interesting research from Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage, suggests that 90% of long-term happiness is predicted by the way your brain processes the world. Put another way, perspective is everything.

These joy killers warp your perspective, yanking joy right out from under you.

Disappointment

It's human to feel disappointed. I've had two miscarriages this year and, believe me, I was disappointed the course we'd set out on ended abruptly. But when I allow my unmet expectations to govern my satisfaction with my life, it's time to take a close look at my expectations. Are they within my control or influence? So many times we have expectations that are blocked, by others or circumstances, which leads to frustration.

Other times our expectations are impossible because they depend on variables we can't control. This leads to depression.

The antidote? Focus your energy on what is within your ability, or right, to control (this does not include other people), and re-frame your expectations on those things outside your control.

Negative Voices

I could go on a tangent (I won't) on how imperative it is to silence your constant inner critic. Negative thoughts create feelings of anxiety and stress, and cause your sympathetic nervous system to release neurochemicals. When your body enters this state, blood flows away from your pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that deals with reason, analysis, and strategy) to prepare your body for fight or flight in response to stress. This dampens our creativity and resilience, and reduces our ability to reason by one-third our normal capacity. This is why people say and do irrational things when they are upset, because the part of the brain that deals with the ability to be rational is impaired.

The antidote? Ask yourself who you are in the absence of your negative thoughts. Describe your true self. Play a new track in your mind about your identity using positive adjectives and strengths.

Worry

The majority of worry is rooted in future events that never take place. You know the saying, "Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

What's worse is our brain lies to us when we worry. I once had a client who was laid off and living in fear. He said he was tired of being afraid, so I asked him to name exactly what it was that caused his fear. He said if he didn't get a job he wasn't sure what would happen to his family, and his loved ones would be disappointed in him.

I re-framed what he said into this statement:

If I don't find work, my family will end up living in the street, and will be disappointed in my failure to provide.

I asked him to consider an alternative belief:

If I don't find work, family and friends who care about us will help us in our time of need, just as we would help them. My family loves me and will stand by me because they know I'm working hard to find a new position.

I asked him to consider which statement is most true of the two. He chose the second.

The antidote? Challenge the truth of your worrisome thoughts. Don't accept them at face value.

Comparison

There will always be those who have more money, better looks, a more fit figure, a bigger house, smarter kids, and more toys than you do -- Just as there are people with much less than you have. Facebook is the ultimate platform for people to parade their better lives. I'm not here to tell you their life isn't as grand as it seems. I'm here to say, "Who cares?" 

The antidote? Gratitude.

Love your partner, love being single, appreciate what you have, and who you are.

Research on gratitude is conclusive: people who are grateful are happier and healthier (source: John Templeton Foundation).

Isolation

Some people isolate themselves when they're going through hard times, however, isolation does not help matters. I recently heard from my brain-based success class instructor about research that revealed holding the hand of a loved one during a difficult time, or hugging them, releases oxytocin in your brain, which creates feelings of healing, trust, and love.

The antidote? Surround yourself with supportive people that care about you, and resist the urge to go it alone during tough times.

Unforgiveness

There has been much written on the topic of unforgiveness. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you're giving them a pass to hurt you again. You can forgive someone and still choose to exit them from your life. Forgiveness means letting go of the root of bitterness planted firmly in your guts. You can tell if you've forgiven someone by the reaction you have when they walk in a room, or their name comes up in conversation. If you have a negative emotional reaction, the root of bitterness is still alive and putting down deep roots within you. Unforgiveness creates a toxic soup of negative chemicals that course through your veins.

The antidote? Let go and move on from the pain someone has caused you. If you're staying hurt, you're allowing that to happen, not them. Remember, you've hurt others in your life-time, too. Recognize that forgiveness is in your best interest, not theirs.

Living contrary to your values

Few things can rob your joy like not being true to yourself, or upholding what you believe. If you're working in a job where your company is asking you to withhold information, sell things to customers they don't really need, hold down who you are, or keep silent on your values, you will be perpetually drained by the emotional energy required to live a dual life.

The antidote? Research the values of a company before you accept a position. Have courage to speak up if you're asked to do something you don't agree with. The short-term stress of facing potential conflict for standing up for what you believe in will be dwarfed in comparison to the long-term stress of living against your values daily.

What joy killers would you add to this list?

All the best to you!

Kristin Sherry, a Strengths-based Career Coach, is Owner and Principal of Virtus Career Consulting. 
www.virtuscareers.com