Avoid Conflict, Choose Unhappiness
Sarah Elkins
International Speaker | Workshop Facilitator | Storyteller | Musician | Gallup StrengthsFinder Coach | 300+Episodes Podcast Host | Author | Job Interview Coach
A Recipe for Resolving Conflict
Conflict is Uncomfortable, but Silence Wreaks Havoc Within
In the past 10 days, I had to approach two difficult conversations I would rather have avoided, and twice I had to listen to constructive feedback that would have been easier (as opposed to better) to avoid or ignore. Those four conversations were valuable reminders of how our communication and our lives can be improved when we learn strategies to deal with conflict. But learning them isn't enough - we must practice them.
When my friends offered feedback that was hard to hear, my instinct was to get defensive. It took me just a few moments to hear that defensive voice in my head, and to shut it down. Thank goodness I've learned this lesson, because the feedback I was hearing has the potential to improve my business dramatically.
Because I was able to shut out the defensive voice in my head, I was able to hear the solutions my friends were offering me. They had constructive feedback AND solutions, which is why listening to them was so important.
Here are some strategies that work for me:
Timing: When you know you must bring up a difficult topic, find a time to have the conversation when the other person/people are in a comfortable place, and with limited outside stress going on. If you know there’s potential for strong emotion, consider the location for the conversation. Is it best to be in a public place, where some level of emotional control is required? Or is it best to find a quiet place where tears can be released?
Tone: Prepare for the conversation by adjusting your language away from defensive or emotional, and toward camaraderie (we’re in this together), and constructive solutions. Practice in front of a mirror if you are concerned about how your tone and facial expression might appear, especially if the topic makes you angry or frustrated. Avoid the use of words like “should” and “but”. Instead, use phrases to address specific behavior. Use words like “and”, “solutions”, and “cooperation.” Keep the focus on positive behaviors; talk about what you DO want to see, as opposed to what you DO NOT want to see. Make absolutely sure that you are modeling these behaviors, or you cannot expect others to change theirs!
Outcome: Be prepared for whatever outcome is likely, and consider these questions:
- What are your best-case outcomes?
- What are acceptable outcomes, what can you live with?
- What are your deal-breakers?
- What are the worst-case outcomes? (Hint: They're usually not as bad you're thinking.)
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Sarah Elkins is a professional coach and consultant, helping people and businesses improve their communication through the art of storytelling. She's also the President of Elkins Consulting, the company making a splash with small, face-to-face, affordable interactive conferences called No Longer Virtual.
Homo sum humani a me nihil alienum puto.
5 年I am better than most people in having difficult conversations. I attribute that to two things. One is that I have a reputation for integrity. For another, I can put things in terms that largely avoid judgment.
Chief Executive MMN FILMS.(Marketing Media Network (Pvt)Ltd) Director at Pioneer Construction & Fabrication. Director at Pak Lions International Cricket Academy
5 年At the start of the first day of new year I read this Very nice article.I think this is very good guidance in difficult situations.
Writer, Efficient Implementer of the Written Word. Get Well Researched, Tools-Tested & Audience Centric Content
6 年Worst case outcomes may not be as bad as one thinks. Great way to end the post as it generally is the first thing that pops in my mind in such situations. The reassurance actually allowed me remember the rest of your valuable suggestions :)
Member of Camara Internacional da Indústria de Transportes (CIT) at The International Transportation Industry Chamber
6 年We enjoyed the post here
Coaching emerging leaders and those seeking to advance in their business or career, focusing on expanding well-being to enhance performance.
6 年Three great suggestions Sarah, all of which help to maintain growth mindset. I learned another tool I now include in my practice. Years ago when preparing for a conversation I anticipated may become very contentious, I decided to put my relatively new, at the time, meditation skills to work. I chose to use a short mantra - "I will speak calmly and effectively" frequently during my daily meditation for a few days before the conversation. It supported me even as the situation escalated. I remained in the moment and unphased by the triggers that were pushed and at the same time very self-aware. I have continued to work with short mantras since then and can now rely on them, provided I choose to access them; they help me be open, less defensive and even vulnerable in service to the relationship/communication.