Average Jay: Why people fail at communication

From the moment we are born, we learn how to communicate with those around us. We spend our entire lives using a combination of verbal, nonverbal, and para-verbal (pitch, pace, and pause) cues in order to express our needs, wants and desires to others. Communications is a lifelong learning process, and challenges in communication affect people of all ages and backgrounds.

So why do people constantly fail at communication?

Breakdowns in communication happen all the time. It doesn't matter how long you've known someone, at some point, you will have a conversation that is just as frustrating as it is fruitless. I've spent a career in communication and, despite being surrounded by communication professionals, even we have constant breakdowns in communications. It's a learning experience. With some knowledge of how communication works and some deliberate intent, it's possible to improve your communication with those around you. Here are a few things I've learned along the way.

The Communication Model

There are few things as frustrating as not being able to effectively communicate your intended message. Sometimes it seems that no matter how you describe something, the other person just doesn't quite get it. I know several of my most frustrating experiences at home and at work have been a result of miscommunication. It's easy to get frustrated in these moments. However, if you take a moment to pause, you can save yourself some undue stress.

In that moment of pause, think about the communication model before frustration takes over. The communications model is a tool used to help visualize the natural flow of communication. There are some variations on the model, but generally, they all look something like this...

Our first-person perspective is that of the sender. Every time we attempt to communicate with another person, think about what we want to communicate (encode). We then shape the message (verbal, written, etc.) and send it via a channel. A channel can be anything that delivers your message like a verbal statement, a text message, or even an eye glace. I have been married long enough to know that certain eye-glances are actually subtle warning signs from my wife.

At this point, the receiver of the message has to mentally process (decode) the message and interpret what they believe the message means. Keep in mind that a person’s attitude at that time can influence how they decode the message. Likewise, our attitudes influence how we interpret a message. I find that if I assume positive intent in a message, I am more likely to decode the message in a positive way. Conversely, if my attitude leads me to assume the sender's intentions are misaligned with my own, I am more likely to negatively interpret the message.

Once the receiver has determined what they think the message means, they form their own response and deliver it back via the communications model. Thus, the loop is complete, and pending any issues, a cycle of effective communication has been completed.

However, in the middle of the communications model, there is something called noise. Noise is anything that can disrupt the intended message. Taken literally, it can be the surrounding environment, like a loud room during a phone conversation. It can also be the something intrinsic like the aforementioned attitude of a person at that particular moment. I personally need at least an hour in the morning (and a large cup of coffee) to wake up before I feel I’m ready to interact with others.

Noise can also be the context in which information was delivered. Like a poorly timed joke, context can completely alter an intended message. For instance, I use text messaging as a channel for most of my casual communication. However, it’s difficult to understand someone’s attitude in a text message because we don't have the non-verbal and para-verbal cues. This had lead many people to use emotes and jargon to express their feelings towards a situation. However, even then, there can be moments of misunderstood jargon.

Finally, noise can also be the ability to decode a message itself. Sometimes a certain amount of background information is needed to understand the intended message. I am lost when my wife watches Grey's Anatomy because I don't understand the complexities of the character relationships. My wife, on the other hand, has over 13 years invested in the show and understands the subtle cues written into each character's relationship with another.

While the communication model is good for representing how communication flows, there are situations in which effective communication is going to be more difficult to attain. Giving feedback can easily put someone on the defensive and, therefore, make it more difficult to communicate. However, some knowledge of self-defense mechanisms can help you shape your message to circumvent these barriers and deliver (or receive) an effective message.

Self-defense is a normal part of communication

I taught at the Defense Information School for about five years, the premier school of communications for the Department of Defense. Before any instructor can teach, they must go through the preparatory Instructor Training Course. Instructors learn about adult-learning theory, personality traits, the communications model and more. One of the required lessons is self-defense mechanisms in communication. As it turns out, when you are required to provide critical feedback to students, you can expect several students to react in emotional self-defense. This creates a barrier to communication and is completely normal. The four primary self-defense mechanisms are compensation, projection, rationalization, and denial.

Compensation occurs when a person attempts to disguise an undesirable trait by emphasizing a more positive one. An example would be a response to an error like, "sure I messed up here, but did you even see how well I did over there?" In these situations, someone wants to make sure they are not only associated with an undesirable quality. Projection occurs when someone blames other factors for his or her own shortcomings or mistakes. This is often used because it is easier to blame outside factors than to address internal issues. Rationalization is the use of self-satisfying, but incorrect, reasons to justify behavior. It is the "everybody else does it, so it must be acceptable" excuse. Finally, denial is simply the outright refusal to accept an unpleasant reality.

The point of learning about these self-defense mechanisms is to prepare instructors for what they will encounter. If you know what to expect, you are less likely to have an impulsive reaction, and instead can use it to your advantage. By reducing speculation and using facts during feedback, you can anticipate where self-defense mechanisms will arise, focus on the process which needs improvement and be prepared to handle that level of noise in your communication.

Trust is a factor

Trust plays a huge role in how we interpret a message. We trust our best friend's advice over the advice of strangers, even if the message is the same because we believe those closest to us have our best intentions at heart.

When you apply the degree of trust and self-defense mechanisms as factors in the communications model, it becomes easier to understand how someone might interpret your intended message. A little empathy can go a long way in communication. Therefore, it's important to establish trust when communicating with people. Keep in mind, trust is primarily formed through actions and over time. It takes a long time to build and can be destroyed in an instant, so never betray the trust someone has placed in you.

Zero confrontation ≠ Effective communication

That being said, sometimes people feel wary of confrontation because they fear it will erode trust. Confrontation is often seen as a breakdown in communication. However, confrontation can be a good thing. You need to be willing to confront a bad situation when necessary. Denying something is wrong does not make the issue go away and can, in many cases, allow a situation to get worse.

Any healthy relationship is going to encounter confrontation at some point. Marriage is an excellent example of this. In the ten years, I've been with my wife, we have had countless arguments. We don't always want to have difficult conversations, however, we understand that in order to make a relationship as intimate as marriage work we have to be willing to have those conversations. Trust is the cornerstone of our relationship in those moments. We have to trust that we have each other’s best interest at heart, in other words, we have to assume positive intent. We are willing to have difficult conversations because we know we need to address an issue in our lives. When we encounter a breakdown in communication, we look to the communications model and try to find out the root cause of miscommunication.

The Solution

Honestly, there is no panacea to fix all breakdowns in communication; breakdowns will still happen. However, knowledge of how communication works can help improve your communications with those around you thereby reducing the frequency and/or intensity of the breakdown. Pause when you’re frustrated. Take a moment to consider the communications model and the other party's viewpoint. Understand that self-defense mechanisms are normal and consider them before beginning a potentially difficult conversation. Don't be afraid to have the difficult conversations, those are usually the most important ones. It won't always be perfect, but with a little effort, we can all suck a little less at communication.