Avalanche

It’s interesting to note that when I sit down to write long pieces, the font must always be Signika. Seems like my creative juices don’t flow otherwise. I should also have a cup of coffee next to me and there should be some music playing in the background. Leonard Cohen is singing Avalanche right now. Seems very apt as well since the inspiration for this article is rooted in the barrage of emotions I felt when I recently received an email from the 25-year-old me.

In May of 2017, I completed two years of being in the workforce but had little to show in terms of achievements. The previous two calendar years had seen a mediocre performance from me. Working remotely in a city without familial roots and barely any friends made it further difficult to give my best at the workplace. From my MBA days, I had associated my work performance with my self-worth. Needless to say, my self-worth had taken a severe beating.

That year (2017) had started out different though- a few things had started to fall in place. I was part of a new team at work. My teammates realized that I, perhaps, needed some more handholding, and being astute sales professionals gave me plenty of tips for managing difficult situations. All while constantly telling me that I can discharge my duties effectively. Their encouragement helped and the relationship with my distributors improved remarkably. Any FMCG field salesperson will corroborate that a happy distributor means a happy life. Thanks to that, I could start enjoying my weekends and meeting some very interesting people at the local book club. Those friendships still survive.

On one of those evenings when I hadn’t completely come out of the woods but was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I wrote an email to myself to be delivered about five-and-a-half years later. Then I completely forgot about it…

But the internet didn’t and on Dec 23rd, 2022 my past self came calling. Difficult to put into words how my mind processed the email. The first feeling was apprehension- was this Spam? Followed by wonderment, disbelief, joy, contentment, and bittersweet nostalgia. The lasting impression though was of pride. Not because I could achieve all my objectives- I missed many. I felt pride because the letter ended by asking me to love myself. I have had a habit of looking down upon the younger me. This email proved me otherwise. It seems like the younger Swarnim had far more mental fortitude than I’ll give him credit for.

This episode also made me realise that the goalpost keeps on changing. Some objectives in the mail are no longer on my wishlist. Perhaps this is a lesson in the evanescence of aims. Time is fleeting and so are our thoughts. Humans are constantly evolving and changing- mentally as well as physically. Holding onto aspirations of yore, where no progress is being made, would have only been detrimental to my long-term mental health. Being the grinch in my own Christmas story would be villany of epic proportions. Now, I wouldn’t want the thirty-six-year-old me to be like that, would I?