Autumn refresh

As the Autumn equinox approaches, I've been reflecting on how and why I feel energised at this time of the year.

I mentioned this in a coaching session, and my client asked me why Autumn is my favourite season.

My response included the obvious associations with:

• education - a new school or college year
• culture - the arts aligned with the above
• weather - a cooling that enables us to be more active

But it's also about 'shaking off' the excesses of the summer.

A 'shedding' - as with the leaves.

One of my favourite writers on Substack echoed this recently in 'A seasonly guided life'

Many of my clients seem to share this positive framing.

In coaching, we often schedule a 12 week 'sprint' to take us to December. Whilst in therapy, we reconnect after the summer and set intentions for our work.

I have been writing a lot in the media recently about the concept of 'rupture and repair'.

Most recently, in an article for the Mirror about how Dave Grohl and his wife Jordyn Blum might repair the rupture in their relationship following the public announcement that Grohl has fathered a child outside of their marriage.

It's not just romantic relationships where this concept applies. Over the years, I have helped:

• couples
• co-founders
• siblings
• mothers and daughters
• friends

It's such an important concept, because it directly feeds into our need for human connection.

Ruptures will always occur in relationships.

We will misunderstand, misinterpret and misjudge people.

The same will happen to us.

If we are unable to repair, we end up isolated.

Isolation has a negative impact on both physical and mental health.

Petruska Clarkson developed a 5 stage relationship model as a way to capture the stages of the therapeutic relationship.

Stage 3 is: 'The reparative/developmentally needed relationship' where a therapist takes on the role of a parental figure. To repair the emotional damage that comes from abuse, neglect or disrupted childhoods.

Clarkson's relationship model forms part of the 'conditions' for a positive therapeutic experience.

However, other people can take on the role of a reparative figure in our lives:

• mentor
• coach
• friend
• teacher
• boss

The reparative relationship brings into awareness inhibiting emotions and defence systems, without judgement.

These concepts originate from a psychological approach called the 'Triangle of conflict' devised in the 1970s by David Malan:

Subsequently developed by Diana Fosha to become the 'Triangle of experience'.

I agree with Esther Perel in her assertion that:

'The quality of our relationships, determines the quality of our lives".

So, this autumn, I invite you to focus on yours.