Autistic relationship insights #SundayFunday

I recently confided in a friend that I have never spent 24 hours with a boyfriend (as in "romantic partner by mutual agreement"), so I thought I would use this as an #actuallyautistic #neurodiverse teachable moment (but maybe I will just confuse the #neurotypical more). I would love feedback from my neurodiverse community, and particularly women – is it like this for you, or am I a particularly severe case?

I love the analogy of knowing that you are #autistic because it feels like everybody else has been given a book of rules about life, and has been studying this since childhood, but you only find out that the book even exists after puberty when people start expecting you to "behave appropriately for your biological sex", nobody gives you a copy or explains what is in it, but everyone penalises you for not acting like it says "in the book".

Given that background, can someone cite any document anywhere that dictates why the standard in modern society is to disrupt one's life and routines completely on the basis of romantic interest alone? I think that #neurotypical people force themselves to spend unnecessarily long periods of time with their partners because it is "expected", and because "that is how everybody else does it".

Caveat: I completely understand that there are people who spend large amounts of time with partners by default for reasons other than romantic interest, such as financial security, domestic ineptitude, delegation of emotional labour, or even less sinister reasons, such as simply finding the other person fun to be around, not being able to get enough of the other person, or similar.

I cannot really comment on these things, because I do not understand them, because I do not experience them - my belief is that I was a whole person with a whole set of interests, activities, goals and objectives before the romantic partner came into my life, and I am not just going to give all that up for access to somebody's genitalia – I would always choose my own interests, activities, goals and objectives. However, I hope that this helps people to see that we all have very different perceptions of how life and relationship should be, and we cannot take for granted that everybody believes what we believe.

I will tell you why I do not do it: I cannot waste valuable hours of my life answering the question "Why can't you just do this and this like other women/other people?" over and over and over and over again. I tell people before we start dating that I am autistic, and I expect them to educate themselves about what that means. Generally speaking, the attitude is that this is "too much effort."

However, the other person generally only notices that autism is an issue once we spend 3 to 4 hours together in a non-public place (Theirs! My home is my office, it is not for fun things!) This is when they start to see the frustrating aspects of being autistic, like only wanting to eat a very specific food at very specific time from a very specific plate with a very specific spoon (and yes, I have interrupted dates to either go home or to the shops and fetch those things!) This is when they notice that each compartment in any bag or backpack that I carry has been allocated a specific purpose, and putting things in and taking them out requires a full consideration of whether or not a repack is required. I obviously cannot list all of these things, but there are thousands of them, and that is who I am and what my life is like. I cannot flip a switch and just turn this stuff off.

Let me say it straight, if I would have to repeat the phrase "because I am not other women/other people" in response to the question "Why can't you just do this and this like other women/other people" more than twice, the other person simply receives a break up text and that is the end of the story.

Here is another reason: it is increasingly difficult for me to cope with various types of sensory stimulation – smells, touch, changes in temperature, changes in pressure, sounds – and my home is my sanctuary from all of those things. I also do not want to waste time arguing about the fact that the other person does not think that something is an issue! I get it, you have a different neurology and you feel things and perceive things differently. However, for me, excessive stimulation of any kind risks sending me into a #meltdown , which is a state in which there is complete loss of emotional control, but also a state that requires a good 24 to 48 hours of minimal stimulation just to return to normal function – I am self-employed, so any period in which I am unable to work has a direct impact on my #income with zero financial compensation (I cannot take sick leave because I had a meltdown), and I refuse to be with someone who puts my income at risk. Certain other people do not understand the severity of the meltdown state, so they do not respect my boundaries, and I do not see why I should subject myself to being put at risk of being taken out of action for 24 to 48 hours just because somebody is too lazy to educate themselves about what #autism means.

Furthermore, home is the place where I can control every aspect of my surroundings and feel safe and calm. Being away from home for too long is distressing, because I am forced to constantly adapt to another person's environment, so my ability to mask decreases exponentially the longer that I am away from home.

At this point, you might be wondering why I would need to mask around a partner in the first place.?Let me use this opportunity to plug the #unplannedJapan podcast:

To be perfectly honest, though, I mask during dating because I know that the interaction will last a maximum of a few weeks and be over, and I do not see the point in investing the time and energy.

Caveat: this is not the standard for autistic people. Some autistic people have grown up being very comfortable with unmasking, or never having masked at all, some autistic people have invested a lot of time and energy in the specific social skills required for dating and are simply far better at it than I am, and I would even bet that some autistic people use their powers of observation, pattern recognition and thoughtfulness to excel in dating and relationships. On the other hand, autism is primarily a social disability – just because an autistic person is in a relationship does not mean that it is not a struggle for them and their partner!?

For me, it boils down to how the person responds to me telling them that I am autistic. I am always open upfront about being autistic, and if the potential dating partner takes an autonomous interest in #autism and educates themselves, and then comes back to me asking relevant and pertinent questions (e.g., Do you stim? How? Have you ever had a meltdown/shutdown? What was that like for you? How can I help you to prevent that happening again?), this shows me that the other person has the resourcefulness to deal with me even during the times when I am unable to explain my behaviour to them. It means that they understand that autism is not simply "a fancy word that I use to get attention", it is a pervasive, developmental disorder that means that the relationship will require more effort than relationships with "other women/people". It means that they are willing to sit down and have 12-hour sessions going through various options for what to do together in order to make sure that both our needs are met (because it is difficult and takes time when you have to factor in sensory issues, avoid meltdowns and shutdowns, and try to find something that satisfies my very restrictive interests, but also allows them to have fun in the process).

If they do not take an autonomous interest, I can now say that with 100% certainty that dating experience will not last more than a maximum of a few weeks. By that I mean that we will probably go on a few dates, the conversation will inevitably land at "But other women do this and this" and I will inevitably say "Then go and date other women".

Generally speaking, the (3) less-than-six-month-long relationships that I have had ( were characterised by the two of us scheduling a date during the week to meet up and following a prespecified routine of activities – going out for a meal, engaging in conversation, engaging in carnal activities, then going back to our respective lives. When I shared this on another social media platform, one woman informed me that what I was describing was "not a relationship", but I do not think that people realise how much #communication happens between the two of us in between these dates/date nights.

We share details of our days without overwhelming each other, we are able to share pictures of the interesting things that we do when we are apart, and we allow each other to continue having a productive and fulfilling life with minimal interruption. I cannot even imagine what it must be like to argue over something as pointless as whether or not a toilet seat is up or down, or whether or not the cap is on the toothpaste or not, and I understand that other people feel that this is just a normal part of life, but I think that that is extremely inefficient and wastes enormous amounts of time, energy and mental resources that could be put to better use solving the myriad of problems that society is facing. My boyfriends to date have agreed.

Caveat: I realise that there are some people who will question whether or not the two of us were faithful to each other if we did not spend all of our time trying to crawl into each other's rectums at every given moment of the day, and I should probably point out that all three partners were the type of people who also found it very difficult to get along with other people at all.?

My relationships tend to end because men tend to assume that my ambition will decrease with time as I take on my role as the "woman" in the relationship and mutate into their sidekick, so I have also never had a relationship that has lasted longer than 5 to 6 months (which is apparently how long it takes for them to realise that I am not going to become "softer", or "spend less time working"), and frankly, I also think that that is 100% fine.?

I am so blessed to have met a few incredible people who have been willing to at least attempt to be part of my journey, even if it was only for a relatively short period of time. After all, as I said before...

I was a whole person with a whole set of interests, activities, goals and objectives before the romantic partner came into my life, and I am not just going to give all that up for access to somebody's genitalia – I would always choose my own interests, activities, goals and objectives.

Happy Sunday