Autism and me...

Neurodiversity Celebration week kicks off today and I thought I would share an article about my autism which I wrote a couple of years ago though hadn't posted until now due to various (mainly fear based) reasons.? Part of this week is to say it's fine to be different and we don't have to be or do perfect.? So embracing the fear:

"I have gained a new friend.? This person has a range of positive qualities such as kindness, humour, loyalty, and ambition, but also experiences shyness, overwhelm, and hypersensitivity, leading to occasional tears.? This friend happens to be me, and I've recently received a diagnosis of autism, so learning to get to know and understand my new self in light of this.? In embracing this discovery, I've decided to share my story in this public space, despite the nagging concern that doing so might constitute airing dirty laundry. ?I feel that revealing my personal struggles might offer some relief and even help others who might be feeling the same.

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Like many people, I found the lockdown to be a difficult time for various reasons.? However, being in close quarters with my family revealed some hidden issues that needed attention.? Specifically, my eldest daughter was experiencing a lot of difficulty.? In the past, I might have dismissed her behaviour as a passing phase, but the prolonged intimacy of lockdown made it clear that professional help was needed.? After a local play therapist suggested testing her for autism, my initial reaction was to resist the idea, fearing that labelling her as autistic would create problems and stigmatise her as "different."? However, upon further examination, my wife and I realised that many of the common signs of autism were present in our child's behaviour, and we sought a professional diagnosis to better understand her needs.? In the process, I began to recognise that many of these autistic traits resonated with my own being.

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As it turns out, both my eldest and middle child were diagnosed with autism, and as I learned more about the condition, I couldn't help but recognise the obvious fact that I, too, exhibited many of the classic traits of autism.? While I don't have a photographic memory or a knack for counting matches (old movie reference), I've always been socially anxious and adept at wearing different masks for different situations.? I often miss social cues and can be quite gullible.? While I can be a lively and entertaining presence when I want to be, I find it exhausting and prefer the company of close family members to strangers.? Unfortunately, this can make me come across as cold or aloof to people who don't know me well, which saddens me because I value being liked.? ?One of my strengths is my ability to establish and maintain routines, but I struggle to reintroduce flexibility into my life once new patterns have been established.? I could go on at length about my various idiosyncrasies, such as my preference for using only certain cutlery from the kitchen drawer, though I'm sure you get the picture.?

Ultimately, seeking a diagnosis for myself had two goals: to offer my eldest daughter a more hopeful perspective on her own autism by demonstrating that I've had a happy and prosperous life, and to gain a better understanding of my own authentic self.? As I grow older, I'm increasingly interested in uncovering who I am when I'm not pretending to be someone else.? This process requires me to practise self-compassion and accept that I'm wired differently from others, which is okay.

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Although I'm not sure how much my diagnosis will benefit my children, who still view me as an old, unfunny relic, I hope that my example can offer a glimmer of hope.? I suspect that many people are on the spectrum without realising it, and the diversity of human experience is what makes life interesting.? Despite my initial reluctance to share my story, I believe that doing so can promote greater understanding and compassion for those who experience the world differently."

The sentiment of the last paragraph is worth repeating and I think that the more awareness there is of neurodiversity, the more compassionate we can be with ourselves and each other.? Sending out a load of love in all directions ??.