AUTISM AND INTIMACY

As a country obsessed with grand love stories on the big screen, ironically, we often find ourselves grappling with the idea of dating and intimacy in real life. It is not rare to be met with a blanket of silence when questions about romance and relationships arise. Unfortunately, the silence only gets louder when it comes to neurodivergent folks, such as those with autism, wanting to explore intimacy, dating, and even marriage.??

Autism is primarily characterized by difficulties in social communication, repetitive behaviour and a restricted range of interests (APA, 2023). This may create a range of difficulties for autistic people to sustain relationships. People in relationships have to adapt and evolve constantly. They have to actively accommodate, appreciate, and foster positive qualities of their relationship to keep it meaningful. Autistic persons in relationships have unique challenges such as struggles with flexibility,? unique forms of expressing their emotions and interests, or difficulties in interpreting typical social cues. From a lack of awareness and acceptance of neurodivergent folks and their needs to the overarching stigma attached to dating - autism in India comes with its unique set of challenges.

However, dating someone on the spectrum is not any different fundamentally from dating in general. If all we associate with autism is only a diagnostic criterion, we fail to see people who seek and would benefit from wholesome and supportive relationships. In this article, I attempt to explore these cross-sections between autism, intimacy, and culture.

Predominantly influenced by the medical and tragedy model of disability, the Indian notion of inclusion largely focuses on treatment and symptom alleviation. Historically, autism has been seen as an unfortunate disability with a set of symptoms that should be addressed by medical professionals. This strictly clinical outlook makes the autistic person stand on the sidelines of society. The view prevents the integration of neurotypical and autistic persons. The lesser the integration, the more significant the barriers between the disabled and non-disabled. This barrier, commonly observed in day-to-day conversations between the ‘normal’ non-disabled and the disabled ‘other’ reflects the general attitude of the public that refuses to see people with disabilities as equal stakeholders in society. Disability hence becomes an object of charity. When looked at through the lens of pity, a person’s disability consumes their much larger identity and their needs.

A common result that stems from looking at disability as a condition that requires charity is infantilization, the tendency to treat grown individuals as children, which is a common approach taken with autistic people. Changing voices, softening the pitch, speaking for an autistic adolescent or choosing to talk to the guardian or friend about an autistic individual rather than talking to them directly are a few examples of infantilization. For a lot of parents and guardians, this comes from a place of welfare, protection and safety. However, infantilization stops individuals from taking risks and exploring age-appropriate experiences in life. As individuals with limited social exposure are given lesser agency, this increases co-dependency, which ultimately increases their vulnerability later in life (Thornberry & Olson, 2005). When people treat a population of growing individuals as perpetual children, they often overlook the concept of consent, intimacy, and personal boundaries which can lead to de-sexualization. This, in turn, reinforces the belief that disabled individuals are incapable of forming fulfilling intimate relationships. In the Indian context, where neurotypical individuals find themselves troubled with striking a balance between traditional norms and intimate relationships, neurodivergent folks are seen as completely incapable of even thinking about relationships. The idea continues despite evidence which suggests that neurodivergence, especially autism, does not cause delays or deviations in sexual development. Amanda Tapi, a behavioural analyst and counsellor at the Johnson’s Institute of Child Health and Development, emphasises the need for us to understand that an autism diagnosis does not preclude the biological mechanisms of a human being.

De-sexualization is also seen as withholding sex education from people with neurodevelopmental disorders. Lack of proper sex education keeps an autistic individual in the dark about socially acceptable ways to express themselves. A lack of developmentally oriented, culturally sensitive sex education modules can further alienate adolescents or adults when they express age-appropriate needs. People with autism and their families need to know that sexual maturity is a part of growing up and that there are therapeutic tools to guide autistic adolescents towards understanding how to act on developmentally appropriate sexual desires. Therapeutic interventions to facilitate social communication among peers, while reframing their fascination towards their favourite celebrity/athlete are an example that has helped adolescents create healthy boundaries. Introducing inclusive sex education can be particularly difficult in India since broad-based sex education is still absent in major metropolitan areas.

There is little information about fulfilling relationships among people on the spectrum in India, especially ones that help us see beyond symptoms and stereotypes. The first step to overcoming this hurdle is to bridge our perception of ‘normalcy.’ Disability is not abnormal, it’s what makes us diverse. What’s diverse, stands stronger and brighter. Open communication within families, teaching the necessity of asking and giving consent, and embracing help when needed can go a long way. For example, autistic individuals struggle with sensory sensitivity, which can make every part of a sensory experience extremely overwhelming (Cook, 2023). This can be aided by clear communication- clearing the room and emptying products that may trigger texture or tactile sensitivity can be one of the few things that may help intimacy.

While de-sexualization can hinder intimacy in relationships, a more dangerous consequence is the lack of knowledge about consent. Children and adolescents with autism are not taught to say ‘no’ to unwelcome touches. Individuals with autism may lack the language to speak for what they are going through or simply not know that they are being exploited- this puts them at significant risk of being victimized. Studies suggest that autistic youth are more likely to experience sexual abuse (Brown et al., 2017). In a study investigating the experience of violence experienced by autistic adults, 118 participants of the study (75.4%) reported sexual harassment compared to approximately half of the non-autistic group (Gibbs et al., 2022). It hence becomes important for parents and therapists to help increase the child’s awareness and incrementally build skills in communication. Raising Children, an Australian parenting website does a comprehensive job of explaining the signs parents could look for to safeguard their children and intervene if need be.

( https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/health-wellbeing/autism-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-autistic-children-teens-recognising-signs-responding )

Physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy are placed and prioritised at different levels for different people. People with autism may have varying drives for intimacy and sensory-seeking experience, which can be helped by being with individuals who have similar needs. Reading about the conditions, repeated behaviours and communication styles, and engaging with their interests can allow for more expression and understanding in the relationship.

Intimate relationships are an essential part of human life. Meaningful relationships allow individuals to explore their attachment, preferences, and interests and help build the skills of mutual support, care, positive growth and development. Accepting and embracing autism as a part of the person you love and care for, instead of a diagnosis that sets them apart from the rest of the world is a step in the right direction.?

Written by: Jaya Shekhar