Autism and grief

Many autistic people find change difficult, even the slightest change. Although grief is devastating for everyone, autistic people can take longer than an average neurotypical person to process the loss of someone close. The way each individual processes grief will be vastly different. The infamous waves of feeling the loss would extend beyond what most people would experience. This may well be due to a delay in recognising and acknowledging the enormity of what has happened.

Not just this, but also becoming aware of the lifestyle changes that come about as a result of losing a close friend of family member. Think of routines, activities, and social gatherings, that were organised by or centred on the person who has passed. “What to do now?” That person is no longer there. That is another massive hurdle to overcome.

Literal interpretation

Autistic people are typically very literal, so when the death first occurs, there is often an immediate pragmatic response to this sad event.

This practical response can be quite literal: "I'm sorry to say that XXX has passed." This literal response could go something like "OK, well, we knew they were ill anyway" or "they were quite old, and everyone knows that no one lives forever." This response can come across as cold, detached, and unfeeling, but it is anything but this. Autistic people are frequently considered as lacking in empathy, emotion, and affection. This may well be true for some, but I have never experienced this with the autistic people in my life - quite the opposite, in fact. They are affectionate, full of cuddles, always ready to hug and say they love me. I often feel like an emotional 'Scrooge' ion their presence.

Like much of the writing on autism, what is stated as the norm could easily not be the case for many autistic people. This is a common reason for children not receiving an early diagnosis - they are able to convey empathy, and they can make eye contact, so they can't possibly be autistic?

Stages of grief

Grief is a complex aspect of the human condition for everyone, but I have witnessed a delay of over 6 to 9 months before the reality of the situation dawns on them. That person has passed. "That person is no longer there. That person cannot be reached in person or on the phone. they are gone for good."

Religion aside, even if you use religious doctrine to provide hope that the person is not entirely removed from every single plane, the reality that they can no longer be reached, may take longer to come to terms with than what would usually be expected. The classic stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, may well not follow that linear path for autistic people. The initial denial may be skipped by an autistic person, to go straight to acceptance, which speaks to the pragmatic response, only to later revert to denial and/or anger as a delayed acknowledgement of a very difficult and heart breaking reality.

Masked emotions

Autistic people often appear calm and neutral on the surface, but underneath there is a lot of feeling and emotion that may not be easy for them to reveal in a way that neurotypical people would expect. Emotions may bubble just underneath the surface, and suddenly explode just like a volcano at a most unexpected time. The slow burn of emotional release can sometimes take the shape of echolalia, where words and phrases, often learned from TV programmes, radio shows, books, etc, will help an autistic person to make sense of their emotions, be it anger, frustration, or sadness. The processing of what has occurred can take many months for a neurotypical person, but for an autistic person, this journey can take more than one year, at which point a neurotypical person may have moved on to acceptance.

It is worth considering the impact of this elongated process on other members of the family, both neurotypical and neurodivergent. Although it may appear as though the autistic person is dwelling on the processing stage, denial, anger, bargaining, they are simple progressing in a way that suits their mind and mindset. It's unlikely to be a choice, but rather an inbuilt coping mechanism based on the way their brain is wired and how they meet challenges.

Helping your autistic employees to navigate grief can be challenging and line managers are the most effective way to support them. Contact me to discuss how you can implement a cultural framework to start engaging and involving your neurodivergent people.