Autism and Communication – What’s the Problem with Being Clear?

It was time to put up the Christmas decorations in our house.

There were two trees, one that my then-partner liked to decorate and another that I took care of.

Not wanting to cause any issues, I asked her which decorations I should use for my tree.

Any of them, she replied.

Foolishly, I interpreted this to mean any of them and started decorating.

A few minutes later, I removed the decorations that were apparently set aside for her tree.

I asked why she had not told me this when I asked about the decorations before I started.

The answer was that she assumed I knew that by “any”, she meant “any of the other decorations.”

This example is no big deal, but it illustrates the vast gulf in communication that can arise about even the most straightforward subjects.

There is an untrue belief that autistic people are poor communicators.

In my experience, many autistic people are great communicators, but we do so in a different way from many neurotypical people.

We can be separated by what appears to be a common language, but we use it differently.

The Literal Truth

It is a stereotype that autistic people take everything literally.

This is not entirely true.

I love a good metaphor and am fond of using anecdotes to illustrate points.

But I am inclined to interpret particular words quite literally.

One of my particular issues is using terms like “everyone”.

In a group of more than a handful, very little can be said to apply to “everyone.”

Yet the term is used constantly, often to mean “most people”.

So why not just say that?

Sometimes, I think that this misuse is quite deliberate.

It can be a much better line to promote an agenda to say “everyone” rather than “most people”.

As soon as you acknowledge that something does not apply to everyone, it opens up the possibility of people choosing to be exceptions, which is often unwelcome.

However, using this language loosely also risks alienating people.

I remember reading that it was good for everyone to be back together in the office.

Not for me, it wasn’t.

I was forced into a challenging environment, significantly reducing my productivity and well-being.

Was I not part of the “everybody”?

Did my experience not matter?

Autistic people do not take everything literally, but many of us tend to use words precisely and expect others to do so, too.

This can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication.

Is it so difficult to be clear and precise in what we say?

What Remains Unsaid

Then there is the question of non-verbal communication.

I have read estimates that between 50 and 95% of communication is nonverbal, consisting of tone of voice and body language.

These have always been a complete mystery to me, both in myself and others.

I have lost count of the times I have been told that I am angry, upset, or fierce when I feel nothing of the sort.

This impression is given by my posture, tone of voice, and look on my face.

I end up pleading for people to listen to what I am saying rather than how I am saying it or any other involuntary and misleading signals I am sending.

It staggers me that some people will trust hugely important messages to these methods of communication rather than just saying what they mean!

If you communicate this way, please know that some of us will completely miss or misinterpret your message.

Channel Hopping

Finally, many autistic people have different preferences for communication methods.

The issues that many of us have with non-verbal messages mean that we may prefer written to verbal communication.

On top of this, I also find it very hard to process the information I hear.

I need to see things, so written communication is much better for me.

It enables me to refer to it in the future, consider it in my own time, and to take a little longer and go through several drafts before responding.

If I could, I would carry out at least 95% of my communication by email and text.

Modern technology means that it is now much easier to accommodate such preferences.

As soon as I am conversing verbally, I feel at a significant disadvantage.

Those talking to me do not get the best of me in these situations.

In the workplace at least, isn’t it all about facilitating everyone to do their best?

Putting It All Together

It is not that autistic people cannot or do not want to communicate.

We simply choose to do so differently, and we have generally been burned many times by miscommunication.

Neurotypical communication may be many things, but it is often not logical or consistent!

That makes no sense to me, and I feel I am playing a guessing game very badly.

Good communication takes effort from both sides to ensure no misunderstandings.

Most autistic people know the differences between autistic and neurotypical communication.

But being aware no more makes me able to understand neurotypical communication than being aware that they speak a different language in Japan enables me to speak Japanese.

Communication is essential in all aspects of life.

Wouldn’t a bit more clarity help us all?

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