Authority Styles That Trigger Disruptive Behaviors

"Ms. Tameka, I just don't know what to do." Said one of my parents after summer camp ended for the day.

"I've tried everything out there and just have no clue how to get through to her."

"Do you want these behaviors to end?" I asked.

"YES!" She said almost as if that was a silly question for me to ask.

"I need three days and for you to do everything I tell you." I told her.

"Three days? Are you sure?" She said hesitantly.

"I'm positive. As long as you are available to come get her when I call you, this will work." I said reassuring her.

The first day, I called her to come get her in the morning.

The next day she made it a little longer before she had to leave.

By the third day, the behaviors were gone just as promised.

"Ms. Tameka, I'm a believer. You know your stuff." Said the mom and paid for summer camp for the next year to ensure she had a spot.

Disruptive behaviors are triggered when problematic authority styles are present in the adult leader.

Let's discuss three of them.

Distant.

Every day this parent would drop her child and run.

Not a problem right?

Wrong.

The child began to act out.

She would cry.

She would scream.

She would say "no" and fold her arms when asked to do anything.

Until the mom said she wanted to eliminate these behaviors.

I helped her eliminate the behaviors then I said, "there is one more thing you must address for lasting results."

"You name it. I can't believe these behaviors stopped just from learning those tips. So I'm all in on anything else." She said.

"Self-awareness." I said.

"I believe I am very self-aware however can you tell me more about what you've observed?" She said almost timidly.

"I notice you are a bit distant emotionally. The problem isn't that you drop her and run, the problem is emotionally you drop her and run." I said as we continued the conversation.

She let me know she was emotionally exhausted. Her job was demanding, then on top of all of that, her precious baby girl was also demanding.

She explained she just didn't know what to do because she was being stretched from both ends.

I explained that if she didn't create space to practice self-awareness daily, the behaviors would come back with a vengeance.

I explained that when she create space to take care of herself emotionally, she would have space to take care of her child's emotional needs and the behaviors would cease for good.

She agreed to make space to become more aware of how she was showing up daily.

Disagreeable.

"Mom, I am having a problem with one of my teachers." My daughter said to me her first week as an 8th grader.

"Already? Okay. What's going on?" I asked.

I taught my daughter the skill of immediately communicating when an adult displays any of these problematic authority styles so I as the adult can help her navigate the best route.

"The teacher constantly picks on me. She blames me for things others are doing and when I try to speak up about it, she cuts me off and I can't even speak." My daughter continued.

"Okay I will request a meeting with her." I said and immediately sent an email to speak with the teacher.

The day of the meeting, I hop on the video conference. I greeted the teacher and said, "thanks for meeting with me. The purpose of this meeting is to hear what's going on and how I can support. I am a parent who believes in working as a team. Me as a parent, my child as the student and you as the teacher. So can you explain what you believe the problem is with my child?"

As she spoke, I listened intently.

Then I began to see the problem my daughter communicated.

As we continued our conversation, the teacher cut me off while I was speaking.

More than once.

If she was doing this to me as an adult, can you imagine what she was doing to my daughter, a child?

After that conversation, I went to the counselor and requested my daughter change that class.

One of the ways I show my daughter I am safe is to ensure when she has a concern with an adult, I address it immediately.

Especially when I see the adult displaying any of these authority styles.

Domineering.

"Sit down. Stop fidgeting. Close your mouth. Sit up straight." Said the mom who barked out orders faster than I could turn my head.

We were having a conversation. And it seems like every minute she would interrupt our talk to bark out a few more orders at her child.

It was hard to watch.

It was hard to hear.

It was hard to see.

I also knew there was nothing I could do if she didn't see anything wrong with what she was doing.

The problem with barking out orders is the more you bark out orders the more you have to bark out orders.

Then you are conditioning the child to expect this from other adults and oftentimes won't listen unless the adult began to bark orders.

When adults lack self-control, they project this onto the children in their care so they overcompensate and try to control the child.

Yes, I said 'try' because no matter what you do, you cannot control a child and that should not be the focus anyway.

The only person you can control is you.

So work on controlling you and you won't feel the need to attempt to control anyone else.

Authority figures must practice self-awareness, effective communication skills and self-control if they want to eliminate disruptive behaviors.

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