The Authenticity Paradox: Leading When Others Don't Play Fair

I’m working with an executive team right now where trust is low. With teams like this, sometimes it’s just a matter of helping people better understand trust and helping them develop the mindset and tools to rebuild it. But what happens when someone is consistently breaking trust? When you have the?mindset and skills to build trust, where you’re vulnerable and transparent, where you’ve worked hard to establish a connection and relationship and show people it’s not a zero-sum game, and they consistently take advantage of it?

For instance, you show up in an authentic way, gaining agreement to a course of action, and then find out the person has gone in a totally different direction. And maybe when you raise the issue, they gaslight you. It happens, and it’s frustrating. Let’s face it: we’ve all been in this position.?

Sometimes, for whatever reason, people play a different game than we do. Maybe they really believe the ends justify the means. Maybe it’s the best they have—nobody’s shown them another way. Who knows?

The question here is really, “What do you do when authenticity doesn’t work?”

Let’s dispel some myths about authentic leadership:

1. Being authentic will prevent this kind of situation.

2. Being authentic avoids conflict – either that it should be avoided or that you?won’t have to wade into it

3. Being authentic means not having to compete and engage in politics.

4. Being authentic means compromising and not addressing other’s behavior in the?interest of giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Authentic leaders absolutely lean into and engage in effective conflict. The difference is?whether you are “fighting against” or “fighting for.” Then, learn not to meet resistance with resistance. Don’t get sucked into the game of wanting to prove them wrong for the sake of being right.

Here’s how you can check yourself so you can navigate these situations while staying true to yourself and focused on your goals.

1. Clarity. Are you fighting for what’s important or fighting against the other person? Let?go of the individual interactions and battles, if you will, for a moment, and think of the?big picture. What’s important for YOU, your team, and your company to accomplish??What would “everyone winning” look like? You may not get there, but do you have a?vision for it?

2. Check your ego. Are you playing your game or theirs? Is what you’re fighting for the?best thing for everyone? The team, the company, your clients? Sometimes, our ego or?our insecurities blind us to the fact that we’re really focused on what’s good for us. It’s?okay. It happens to all of us. Being a good leader requires having the self-awareness to?spot it when it happens.

3. Check your blindspots. What blind spots do you have? Are there things about your?strategy or approach that aren’t really aligned with your big picture or what’s best for?the long term? Maybe you value people and taking care of the team, but the strategy?requires some organizational disruption that you are avoiding. Maybe you or the team?are attached to some “status quo” that, if disrupted, would lead to better outcomes.?Maybe your “nemesis” is your disruptor. Authenticity means being able to uncover and?explore these blind spots. Authenticity means caring for your team enough to stir?things up in the interest of their growth and helping them accomplish big things. Be?sure you’re playing hard enough.

4. Set boundaries. Being authentic always requires setting and holding boundaries. This is uncomfortable work for all of us and is key to authentic leadership. Without?boundaries, it’s hard for you and others to know what you stand for. And without?boundaries, you are going to end up confused and resentful.

5. Play for the sake of playing and learning. Accept that you won’t win all the time—certainly not all the battles, and sometimes not the war. Play so that at the end of the day, you can say, “I’m grateful for the fact that we really tried.” (I stole that line from “Don’t Look Up.”) Be intentional about what you learned in the process.?

My challenge to you? Celebrate your disruptors. They are in our lives for a reason. Each one we encounter in the course of a lifetime can teach us something about ourselves—should you choose to accept it.??

Be well,?

Scott

P.S. Dive deeper into the essence of authentic leadership with our blog post: How a Hangover Changed My Perspective on Leadership.?It's a unique exploration of leadership lessons from an unexpected source. Don't miss out on this insightful read —