The Authentic Self

The Authentic Self is defined as our true self underneath the identity we present to the outside world that has been shaped and defined by our caregivers, family members, religions, education, and culture. It is the individual underneath that sometimes shows through the mask that we wear to the world. When living under a narcissistic parent, this self is hidden away, pushed down to please our caregivers by trying to give them the person they want us to be. However, the perpetual denial of or aggression towards the true authentic self of the child by the narcissistic parent creates a disturbing emotional dysregulation and inner conflict about who we truly are. To deny our authentic self is to be denied true acceptance and happiness. Often when that authentic self is shown to a narcissistic parent it is gaslighted, disrespected, or even despised because it does not meet the expected standards of the caregiver. The result is the potential development of a host of disorders that include Borderline Personality Disorder, both PTSD and CPTSD, Imposter Syndrome, eating disorders, substance use disorders, and self-harm disorders.

When a child is constantly criticized, disrespected, or shamed for who they are they learn to become inauthentic and strive to adapt to their parents’ wants and needs despite a conflict of values within. All children want is to be loved and accepted by their parents. When told that their efforts are not good enough, or that there is something wrong with the way they look, feel or behave, it can create a sense of overwhelming shame and guilt when they are rejected by the caregiver. This creates a feeling of being unloved for being their true selves unless they are the perfect child for the narcissistic parent and may develop into a desire for perfectionism as they get older. Unfortunately, due to the nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), whatever a child does for the narcissistic parent will never be enough. There will always be criticism or judgment despite the best efforts of the child as well as a lack of empathy toward how the child is responding to that criticism or judgment emotionally.

?Over the years this may develop into a fear of rejection as the child matures. The sense that they must always be perfect may manifest in a few ways, including a debilitating necessity of perfectionism. The three parts of perfectionism include: self-oriented perfectionism, where one wants to be perfect; other-oriented perfectionism, where one wants and believes others should be perfect; and socially prescribed perfectionism, where one believes that everyone else wants them to be perfect. This desire for perfection can manifest in procrastination, poor time management, as well as the abandonment of projects and hobbies of interest. I have struggled with all these issues due to an innate fear of nothing I do or create being good enough to get the love and support I need. Music, painting, drawing, and writing I have all started and stopped because I believe that nothing I do will be good enough or that it is not perfect right away. I am hesitant to continue an interest if it does not reach some kind of imagined, impossible bar I have set for myself.

Another manifestation of this suppression of the authentic self by parental figures is Imposter Syndrome (IS). Even when an article I have written, a painting I have done, or music I have created does get praise and acceptance from my peers, there is an innate, internal denial that it is good enough and that any praise is unwarranted. I often experience great fear and anxiety that someone will call out my work as fraudulent, that I am terrible at what I do, or that I am not qualified to discuss some topics despite having many certifications and qualifications. This has resulted in me giving up on things I may be good at and may come to love because it is not perfect, or I believe the work will not be accepted and appreciated by my peers, friends, and family. When challenged about something I have written or created I will go into an anxious state triggered by an immediate feeling of rejection, even if it is simply constructive criticism.

Unfortunately, there is an even darker side to the repeated denial or rejection of the child’s authentic self by a caregiver. As mentioned, there are a host of personality disorders that may arise from rejection. When we are loved, supported, and praised for being who we are our brain floods with neurotransmitters to not only give happiness and pleasure but memory and contentment; serotonin and endorphins for the former, and dopamine and oxytocin for the latter. These neurotransmitters elevate us to feel the love and support that children need from a caregiver. When the child is denied this love and support, the brain goes into dysregulation. Instead of the endorphins we need to feel love, the brain is trained to create cortisol and flight or fight responses whenever the authentic self is presented and subsequently rejected. In turn, the child may develop maladaptive behaviour responses such as tantrums, screaming and yelling, or potentially the opposite by being withdrawn and depressed.

This all ties into Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Gabor Maté, a physician and addiction expert who is shaking up the recovery field with his radical theories, has identified a critical link between SUD and the denial of the authentic self. When a child is not receiving the love and support of the caregiver, as the child gets older, they will seek out other sources of the neurotransmitters associated with love and acceptance. Drugs such as cocaine and opioids, as well as alcohol, can flood the brain with the desired neurotransmitters creating a sense of love that the child does not receive from their parents; drugs create a warm hug that they never get at home. This is a key hook that drugs cast into the brain and creates addiction. Unfortunately, repeated doses do not create the same effect so more of the drug is required to get to the same state and the addiction spirals from there.

?Other disorders such as eating disorders and self-harm disorders may also arise. When speaking with my sister, as well as some others that suffer from these disorders, about why they have these behaviours, a consistent response comes back: “I do it to feel something”. Behaviours such as binging and purging and cutting (making cuts or abrasions to the skin) flood the brain with endorphins. This is the warm hug that the child is missing. However, once this behaviour is finished and the neurotransmitters wane, the result is shame and guilt about what they have done. Still, the child, or adult, will seek out these endorphins, again and again, coupled with the continued rejection and abandonment of the authentic child, which creates the addictive cycle of self-abuse.

?Other major personality disorders also have the potential to arise as the child gets older. There is a difference between dismissing or denying a child’s authentic self and actively attacking and demeaning it. The former is less severe than the latter, and the latter is the realm of a narcissistic parent. When a child is emotionally attacked for being their authentic self by ridiculing, demeaning, gaslighting, or physically attacked by pinching, pushing, poking or more severe physical abuse, the brain will try to adapt by developing inappropriate behavioural responses. This may lead to full-blown personality disorders such and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), anxiety disorders, trauma disorders, and depressive disorders. As they mature into an adult, the child must battle a co-morbidity of disorders where many of these disorders, SUD, BPD, and CPTSD, begin to overlap and create perpetual cycles of repetition and self-actualization.

?To recover from a suppressed or denied authentic self, as an adult, takes an enormous amount of work in the form of therapy and behavioural treatment such as Cognitive or Dialectic Behaviour Therapy, or similar forms of treatment. The construct and programming that is developed over years of abuse is a castle that needs to be sieged and torn down. The destroyed self-esteem and crippling self-doubt must be managed, and practices put in place to help develop a healthy view of the self. The child, now an adult, must re-parent and rediscover themselves to answer the question of ‘who am I?’. However, this can be exhausting and very difficult. Similar to recovery from SUD, the road to self-discovery can be very hard, especially if the abusive parent is still in the person’s life. While we can make steps forward to healing, having to engage with the abusive parent can trigger exhaustive and anxiety-inducing setbacks to progress. The key is support from friends and family members that understand and believe the abused child; however, due to lifelong subjection to manipulation and lies, even when we are told that we are believed, there are always doubts and fears that we must suffer alone and that no one believes us when we tell them what has happened to us.