August: running down a slippery slope

Dearest reader;

Hmmm, where do I even start?

For some time now, I haven't written anything. I didn't have writer's block, but neither was I sick, I just couldn't bring myself to write or do anything productive. I just felt too sad and unhappy to do anything.?

The month of august was a really funny one, I felt like I was running down a slippery slope, and you can agree with me that it’s a very unsafe thing to do because on a slippery slope you can't even run, if you move even slightly, you would fall, and the only way to go on a slippery slope is down?

I was so unmotivated, i didn't feel like doing anything at all, I just felt really low. and it's so ironic because if there’s any month I needed to celebrate, it was the month of August, I had so many wins last month.

?and I did celebrate, I felt happy.

But sadly, that happiness only lasted a while

One of my happiest moments was starting a LinkedIn newsletter, I was SOO PUMPED!!!!. I've always wanted to have like a little public diary, where I tell stories of my life and how much God has helped me, and last month, I did just that. In less than 48 hours, I had over a hundred newsletter subscribers, it felt so exhilarating that over a hundred people wanted to read my letters, and for once, my writings didn't feel like nonsense. It felt like my life had meaning and purpose.

I truly felt like I was doing something that really mattered, and the realities of my failures faded away for a while.?

And it made me happy……

It didn't take long for my “achievement” to feel like total garbage to me,? as some days later, I was scrolling through the streets of LinkedIn, and I came across a story of a 19-year-old doing “exploits” with her life.?

And at that moment I felt like a fraud, I felt so…….. USELESS.

Dearest reader, I felt terrible.

I know that a mere post should not make me feel like this, I should be stronger than this, (or so I thought)

?But after seeing that post, I no longer felt like I was enough, I could no longer celebrate my wins in peace anymore, I just couldn't be happy about the blessings that God had given me, it felt like my peace had been stolen.

I felt so defeated.

Writing this, I now realize that it wasn't that post that made me sad. I had been feeling like this for a while now, and instead of dealing with this feeling, I just always brushed it aside, and it kept building up till that moment.

My birthday is a month away, and it suddenly dawned on me that I won’t be 20 years old forever, in a month's time I would be 21, and I kinda thought that by 21, I would have achieved something great with my life, I had some goals I wanted to achieve, and achieving those “goals”? was going to be my birthday gift to myself, and it just hurts to realize that those “goals” have still not been achieved.

Growing up, I always thought that by 21, I would have had my life all figured out, probably have graduated and all, but life happened, and I’ve still not gotten there.

I know people are going to be like “you are still young, don't be too hard on yourself, bla bla bla”

I JUST CAN'T HELP IT !!!!!!!!!!

It's all I think of, I can’t go a day without thinking about my future, and it scares the crap out of me.?

And I know I’m not the only 20-something-year-old that feels this way, many young people feel like this, but people don’t like talking about it.

My future scares me, and it's much scarier because I don't know what it holds, and although I’m actively trying to make it bright, but I can't help but feel scared and anxious about it.?

The fact that I’ve created some “ unrealistic” goals about my future makes it much scarier. Well, the goals aren’t really? “unrealistic” but they are quite lofty and would take some time to achieve, and although it sounds ironic, I feel like I don't have that “time”

I’ve been comparing myself with my peers that have “made it” and by doing so, I’ve put myself under unnecessary pressure and stress.

And after seeing that post that day I just couldn't take it, I felt like I needed to get away from it all, I felt really sad, and that sadness incapacitated me for two weeks.?

Dearest reader, I felt so broken, and nothing made sense anymore

I felt too sad to write or do anything that would normally give me joy.???

Writing this out has really helped me put some things into perspective, throughout this period I literally blamed God for everything, I didn't take any part of the blame, I felt like God cheated me, and the devil so magnified this problem in my mind that it almost consumed me, I couldn't get anything done and I had to stay off LinkedIn for while to maintain my sanity.?

Ideally speaking the best way to get away from this would have been to spend time with God, and just talk to him, about how I was feeling, because he is my father, and he cares about my feelings.

I could have just talked to God, sought his face, and asked for help, because logically speaking, it's God that gave me these, dreams, goals, and aspirations and it makes sense to go back to him and ask for help.?

?And It's funny how that sounded very easy in theory, and the fact that I knew the right thing to do but couldn't exactly bring myself to do it was just …………… annoying.

What I did instead was to try as much as possible to escape my reality, I resulted to watching other people's lives, and I started watching vlogs on youtube ( I'm a youtube junkie), all in a bid not to face my reality.

At first, it started with me just wanting to take a break from the internet, chill, re-evaluate my goals, remind myself of what it was I wanted, talk to God and then sleep

But instead, it turned into two weeks of sadness and laziness.

I felt so sad that I couldn't even pray or study my bible, I felt so far away from God, it felt like someone had cut away my life source, but in reality, God never left, I was the one that left.

All I needed to do was call to Him. And ask for help.

And I didn't realize this until TWO WEEKS HAD PASSED.?

I also realized that I tied my joy and happiness to mere goals, and that I allowed the devil to mess? with my mind?

I literally lost my peace over MERE GOALS.

The moment I started feeling like that I should have talked to God about it, but I just gave in to sadness and allowed the devil to steal two weeks of my life.

And who says I don’t have time?

I’m still young, and I won’t let anyone not even myself make ME feel bad about myself.

And I realized that all I have to do is trust God and work hard in order to achieve my goals.

and even though I've not fully figured out my life yet, I have a lifetime to do so.?

And although I feel really ashamed for wasting two weeks of my life sulking and feeling sad for myself, I’m happy I went through that, it just showed how much I depend on God, and how much I need to work hard and leave the rest to HIM.

And also how much I need to calm down and stop comparing myself with others, my journey is different from theirs, and my time will come, maybe not now, but someday.?

And all I have to do is RELAXXXXX !!!!!!!!!!!? and worry less.

August wasn't really a good month for me, but I thank God I pulled through, and I know that September would be much better than August.?

Dearest reader, what do you do when it feels like the pressures of life are weighing down on you??

Tell me in the comments section?