Audio Learning (Fail) Centre

Strap in. This is a long one. Something I never suspected when reading scripts was to finally discover a diagnosis for something I knew was wrong with me but had no idea how to explain it. And literally part of the traits of this disorder is the hardship in trying to explain things. Which is pretty meta. Language/Audio Processing Disorder.

This is already on top of dyslexia, mild dyspraxia and ADHD. Ironically a few days before I came to the discovery, I happened to be speaking to a psychologist from Cambridge University studying neurodiversity. Discussing how wide the spectrum is. And just how much of a pinball I am in the spectrum arcade.

When I was first diagnosed with dyslexia around 21, it was a revelation. I knew back then that probably something wasn't right. I managed to get through school, but it still angers me that I was made to feel like I was failing them when not doing well. That I was the problem. Thank you Daniel Stewarts Melville. It wasn't until a lecturer at Queen Margaret University Edinburgh suggested that I go for a dyslexia test after I failed the first half of my third year exams. How I knew the information was there, I just couldn't get it out. Initially I dismissed it. That's not me. However, I finally found a missing piece of the puzzle about myself. Although the diagnosis confirmed it. It was when I actually looked up the traits of dyslexia on the web that I went, whoa. That's me.

It was comforting to learn something about myself. I officially knew that I wasn't quite like other people and that I needed help. QMU weren't so sympathetic though. They wouldn't let me sit those failed exams as a first attempt with the knowledge that I needed extra time and adjustments. To be honest, it was a blessing in disguise as I left them to go to Napier who were much more understanding, helpful and a far superior university. Eat my poo QMU.

Yet even still, year's later. Something just wasn't right. I still felt so different. And incapable of doing things that most other people could. Thinking I might be on the autism spectrum, I went for that test. Nada. I was gutted. If anything, I kind of felt like I was a fraud and my problems boiled down to anxiety. And yes, I am riddled with anxiety and depression. The trauma of not knowing about this disorder is a large part of why I have to watch TV and film programmes that are otherworldly just to fall asleep and drown out the voices telling me to kill myself and think of every shit thing from my life. I know all about the UAP’s now.

A few years ago, I saw that a comedian was writing their notes on their hand during a live recording. Usually this would only be a thing if doing a WIP. But the comedian explained it's because they have ADHD that they need the prompt to remember their show. I was surprised. I didn't know that ADHD was linked with memory. As a kid, we thought it was for kids that were just wild and needed ritalin. Literally being told they were a ‘problem child’ . Learning about other comedians who had it, I delved more into what are the traits. Holyshitsticks. It was the same feeling when I got my results back being diagnosed with dyslexia and learning what those traits are. In fact, ADHD (or ADD) fits me somewhat more. I am constantly searching for stimulation, with several projects on the go. Constantly feeling restless seeking nomadic escape. I don't really know how to do nothing. The way I describe it is like a computer kernel panicking if I don't have something to chip away at or work towards. What I was generally unaware of at the time is that you can be both dyslexic and ADHD. Unfortunately, I can no longer get a free Mac computer out of it.

And even still. Something still felt wrong or missing. Compared to my friends or people I know who had ADHD, they just seemed to be somewhat more capable at socialising, holding jobs, understanding information. Everything to help with having a normal stable life.

I've always had problems with my speech. Being deaf through my formative years. And I had a speech therapist for several years to catch up. Incredibly, I never skipped a year. Basically I felt handicapped growing up. And I still do. I lose track of what I am trying to say. Words disappear. Or words just don't appear when I'm hoping or expect them too. My speech can be mumbly or slurred. Especially if I am tired. That’s me just trying to communicate. So many times people will talk to me in plain English and I’ll have no clue what they’ve said to me. If your voice is slightly lower than others or we’re in a noisy place. I’m fucked. You might as well carve a message it into my skin. (Or text me) Even everyday phrases just go over my head. And not knowing when essentially someone is being sarcastic or not. It’s pretty ironic that I work in a form of communication and it's a massive handicap for me. Thankfully I've had friends that have never commented or criticised. But it's been soul destroying throughout my life. Feeling like an idiot and constantly feeling embarrassed. That has all just added to that shit soup of anxiety. For someone with a bad memory. My brain loves to remember the bad shit.

But thankfully, now seeing everything down in words. It's a pretty big relief. Finally, I can point to something for people to understand the obstacle in my way. I've learned to be kinder to myself over the years. And I think I can give myself another big dose of kindness. The frustration is that probably no one knows what APD is. A big part of the reason I went self-employed was because I was tired of working for employers that were somewhat insulting my intelligence. Going for interviews and doing zoom calls is excruciating. But it's a necessary evil I suppose in this capitalist machine I had next to no hand in creating or wanting to be in.

I don't know what 'the message' is that I am trying to make here. We're very much in an age of discovering different disorders, breaking down the barriers of gender norms and sexuality. One of the things that I really loathe about living with poor mental health and invisible disabilities is that I almost have to be a spokesperson for these disabilities somewhat. I am very open to trying to help people if they need it. But I don't have the answers. I'm 38, I'm writing an article about finally discovering a big one. I loathe how when I am going for funding or touting a script project that I am having to sell my disabilities. I want to get by on my writing talent. Which I know I've got in abundance. Just don't judge me on this essay.

Unfortunately, I am somewhat defined by my disability. I've tried to bypass the difficulties as much as possible, yet there's no escaping the difficulty of not been quite able to learn something that is easy for the majority of people. I am and will be affected by it for the rest of my life most likely. Every language is my second language. By no means do I necessarily want to be normal. 'Normal' people vote for people and parties that want to kill them and diminish their livelihoods. If there is a message. Try to be patient with people. I think I've found the missing puzzle pieces about myself. If they were badges. I think I've competed scouts. And if you feel different and don’t know what the answer is. Hold on. Be kind to yourself. Hopefully your answer might be around the corner.