The Audacity of "Nope"

National Coming Out Day has come and gone. Those who know me well know that I have been "out and about" for quite some time.

A few years ago, however, I came out in a big way with my true story Coming Home - part of the USA Today Storytellers Project.

The response was phenomenal. Many kind words were shared with me. I even received some hate mail.

It was this response from the mother of one of my longtime childhood friends, however, that left me dazed.

I wasn't sure how to respond. It took me six months to respond with authenticity and strength. It took me two years to turn that response into a declaration - a proclamation really - about who I am, what I am worth, and what will not be taken from me.

This isn't just for me. This is for all those who know what it feels like to be dismissed, demeaned, and discriminated against by those who say, "I love you...but."

To all the "I Love You...But" Folks:

Thank you for the kind words. Thank you especially for the love you gave me while I was young and free of most of the worries that would push me down as I became an adult.

I have to admit that I think of you often and with conflicted emotions. I know that you do not support marriage equality, along with other forms of equality already guaranteed you, but denied myself and the many other LGBTQIA+ friends and family in your life.

I have to tell you how much that hurts me. At this point in my life, I don’t have conversations about - as you say - “the topic of being gay.” It’s a non-negotiable topic. Imagine if I asked you to talk about the “topic of being straight.”

I have purposely stopped coming by during the holidays and other times I’m home because I find it difficult to reconcile the love and support of people who simultaneously believe there’s something wrong with me and/or that I’m not equal to them.

Let’s be honest. That’s what it means when you use your beliefs to support an agenda that includes disenfranchising me and millions of other Americans, including several people I know you call “friend.”

This may seem harsh to you. Imagine it from my perspective. So called “Christians” debating my value and whether or not I should be treated equally. The world - literally - watched The Methodist Church do this just a few years ago. Imagine people you grew up with saying “I love you...BUT you don’t deserve to be treated equally."

This isn’t political. Yet, you and others use your faith - your choice to believe in something - to dismiss, demean, and discriminate against me. The Bible says I was made in God's image, yet you treat me as if that image is something that does not deserve your love AND respect.

This should be about empathy, kindness, and compassion. It should be about treating each other as equals and with equity. That includes my right to marry the person I love and to be treated equally and fairly under the law. To be treated no better or worse than you.

That’s a non-starter for me. Contrary to many arguments I hear in response to my words, I don’t have to be tolerant of other people’s beliefs when those beliefs are used to discriminate against me.

I have nothing against religion or people I perceive to be true Christians. I’ve studied all the major religions of the world. I have great respect for the many Christians I know who act as I believe Christ would.

I do take issue with people who use their faith to justify and legalize discrimination against me and anyone who doesn’t fit their world view. The Constitution is supposed to protect me from that.

I’m a spiritual person. I believe in a higher power. He, she, it...maybe it’s just energy that connects us. I try everyday to be a better person than the day before. I’ve come to know and love who I am. I also know that I am worthy and deserving of all the rights and privileges of being an American citizen, just as you are.

I can never imagine a scenario where I would use my beliefs as justification to support treating you unfairly and unequally under the law of this country. It is so far beyond my comprehension. You use your privilege to put others down. I use mine to lift people up.

So, here’s the deal. You can’t call me friend, brother, or family while you dismiss and diminish my rights any longer. Your time is up.

It’s audacious isn’t it? Someone finally calling you out and no longer playing by your rules. I will not “calm down” nor will I give you a pass on your ignorance and privilege. For far too long, so called "friends" and even some family members have presented a facade of support ("I love you") with an asterisk.

I love you but…you shouldn’t get married. That’s just for us, a man and a woman.

I love you but…children should only be raised by a mother and a father. You should not be able to adopt.

I love you…but I will continue to vote for leaders who promote an agenda that treats you like a second class citizen.

I love you…but I have to prioritize my children over your rights.

I love you but….tone it down.

I love you but...but...but.

My favorite? "I love you. Don’t take any of this personally.”

It has always been personal to me. No, you can't "love me, but"....anymore. And that is what I call the "audacity of nope."

Yours truly and audaciously,

Ryan

#lgbtqia #diversityandinclusion #DEI #werisetogether #strongertogether #lovewins

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