Attraction to the Right Person

Who we desire is driven by powerful evolutionary forces, but while most of us are drawn to looks first (whether or not we admit it), human attraction is far more complex than it appears at first sight. 

Every time we enter a room full of people, we make choices based upon our attractions:

 Whom do we notice?

 Whom do we pass over?

Our attractions are forged in the deep space of our being, born of countless, often unknowable forces.

We are all attractive in our own ways; it just takes the right person to hold the mirror and convince us of what others already see.    

When we encounter someone for the first time, our psyche and heart begin an astonishingly complex scan, picking up obvious cues like physique and facial structure, but also noting myriad subtle cues such as body language,  facial expression, the contour of the lips, the nuance of the voice, and the muscles around the eyes.

We instantly process this information without even knowing it. All we feel is desire or the lack of it.

All of us are attracted to a certain type that stops us dead in our tracks, be it a physical type, an emotional type, or a personality type.

Let’s say that there is a "spectrum of attraction," from 1 to 10; the people at the far end aren’t physically or romantically attractive to us at all, but those at the upper end are icons—they’re compellingly attractive, leaving us weak in the knees and triggering both our longing and our insecurity.

All of us have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, anger, manipulation, or abuse.

Unconsciously, we seek healing through our partner. And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children, in the hope that we can then convince him or her to finally love and accept us.

Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.

This partly explains why we get so awkward and insecure around people to whom we’re intensely attracted. It also explains why our greatest heartbreaks often occur with these most intense, fiery attractions.

Some of us react to past heartbreaks by dating only those on the low end of our attraction spectrum; we're frightened of the intensity and the risk of painful loss when we approach people on the higher end.

We often feel safest with people who don’t do much for us on a physical or romantic level because it just feels more comfortable—but the downside can be boredom, frustration, and a lack of passion.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate.    

Thank you …What Do Women Really Want?

This question, as Freud intuited, is not easy to answer.

On one hand, there is considerable evidence that women seek and place a premium on a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness with their sexual partners.

The reasons for this seem clear and logical: Having but one uterus to fill with one fetus at a time, a woman gains no obvious evolutionary advantage from promiscuity. For women, possessing no seed to spread, sex with more people does not result in more potential genetic offspring.

Moreover, women are at higher risk than men for sexual violence and sexually transmitted diseases, not to mention the unique risk of pregnancy.. It pays for women to be careful in choosing their sexual partners.

In addition, the female orgasm is less reliably achieved than the males, so their odds of enjoying casual or anonymous sex are lower.

 A woman who wants to increase her chances of enjoyment and minimize her chances of harm is better off getting to know her partner well before she gets to sex.

From this logic follows the claim that women are bio-programmed to want relationships, not sex; that they need a stable, intimate relationship to feel aroused and are therefore built for sexual monogamy and marriage.

Want to add word or two?  

Sex is about being desired.

While seeing an attractive man might cause a small spike of excitement in a woman — some women are more visual than others — it’s the thought of his reaction to her (“I wonder if he thinks I’m hot?”) that hits her brain like a lightning bolt.

Knowing that her man is hungry for her engages her imagination and ignites sexy thoughts in the brain.

Just as men often expect abundant sex after marriage, women have expectations of lots of continuing romance that assures her of her sexual desirability.

Your comment ….?

Sex is an aspect of love. 

Sex, talking, hanging out, working together, managing a home and family as a team, feeling appreciated, celebrating holidays, giving and receiving gifts, and affection may all comprise love for a woman; sex is part of the whole, not the defining factor.

Making love may flow from the warmth she feels in the relationship, but it’s not necessarily the source of the heat.

Sex is a way she gives love. 

I am absolutely not implying that women are obliged to give sex when they don’t want to, but sometimes, she may recognize her partner’s need for sex and, despite her own lack of inclination, she may want to meet his need.

If there is relational warmth and goodwill, this offering can be a real gift of love. It can frustrate her efforts when her partner insists, "But I want you to want it!" because he discounts her motive of love, insisting that sex drive should be her real impetus.

But because she often feels desire after arousal, she often also finds herself glad that she started making love

Some women find deep satisfaction in sexual intercourse, even if it comes without her orgasm.

While most of the time we want to feel like we’re on the same page with our partner before having sex, sometimes it’s having sex that gets us on that same page.

Men and women both need to feel deeply attached to their partner for happiness. But our starting place is often different.

Emotional intimacy combined with sexual intimacy is the combination that creates a passionate marriage or partnership.

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person.