Attitudes for Success: Dealing with Workplace Bullies

“Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.” Sun Tzu

For those of us who were bullied in the schoolyard growing up, adulthood may have seemed like an escape. Surely, bullying is a behavior people grow out of over time! Sadly, this is not the case. Persistent bullying is one of the most troubling aspects of the modern workplace. It is very common, and little is done to stop it. People who get away with mistreating others in their youth often grow up to carry on precisely the same behavior as adults. In other cases, individuals who were bullied during their formative years find themselves in a position of authority for the first time and begin abusing their own subordinates.

Sadly, abuse is accepted in certain workplaces not because it is a part of the corporate culture but because nobody dares to take action. They don’t want to rock the boat or become the next target. Fear and silence fuel the bully to continue their undesirable behavior.

This creates a hidden enemy for the so-called victim. This means we have two, supposedly, enemies: the one inside the victim, the other being the bully or bullies.

Whether a coworker or boss is engaging in bullying, the results on your job performance and quality of life can be devastating. Going to work each day can feel like entering a war zone. In most cases, there seems to be no reason for the abuse—and you may feel powerless to make it stop. But with wise counsel, strategic thinking, self-control, and a strong dash of courage, it is possible to weather the storm and emerge victorious. 

As we look forward to 2019, we will venture into the realm of workplace bullying and develop a plan of action. As we proceed, keep one truth firmly in mind: you have the right to protect your job and to work in a happy and professional working environment.

What Is It Like to Be Bullied?

Let’s imagine: It's the first day of the working week and time to get back to your job. You feel dreadful. You hate going back to the office. It is not the job or the office itself that you dislike. A colleague (perhaps even your boss) is making your life uncomfortable and difficult—making you wish you were anywhere else. You feel devalued. Everything seems difficult when that dreadful person is around. Your stress level is out of control, and you don’t know what to do to make things better. 

If you have these symptoms, you might be a victim of workplace bullying. 

How Can You Tell If it’s Bullying?

There will always be people at work you don’t particularly enjoy being around. It’s important to be able to distinguish between a personality mismatch or poor communication and real abuse. Below are some of the telltale actions of a workplace bully:

• Repeated disrespectful comments or actions (ignoring, interrupting, or being sarcastic)
• Excessive monitoring or criticizing
• Lack of cooperation—especially in work-related matters
• Active exclusion of a targeted person from work-related conversations or discussions 
• Unwelcome verbal, psychological, or physical conduct of a sexual nature
• A habit of overloading a person with tasks beyond their job scope
• Assigning tasks that, with the available time and resources, are impossible to complete

Why Do They Do It?

When you act from a place of knowledge, your response is likely to be more appropriate and effective. This means it is worth your while to understand why bullying happens. The first thing to understand is that bullying is not about you. You did not “invite” the abusive behavior and you do not deserve it.

A bully typically acts out for one of three reasons:

1. He is in his comfort zone and your presence in the office makes him feel uncomfortable. Perhaps your superior education or skills cause him to feel inadequate. Maybe your presence brings about positive changes at work, making the bully feel unsettled. Making you feel devalued and setting you up for failure are tactics he uses to protect his position in the company. 
2. The bully might be a perfectionist placed in a position of authority. You have to be superhuman to keep up with her standards. She places a great deal of stress on herself, and it flows downhill to affect her subordinates as well.
3. He just has a bad attitude and poor manners. Making others feel bad makes him feel superior. He is really a coward and therefore targets people who are passive and non-assertive.

How to Deal with the Three Types of Bullies

• For the first case, cultivate sympathy rather than fear. Demonstrate through your words and actions that you are there to be cooperative rather than competitive. Help your “adversary” acquire new skills and adapt to change. Show how changes can benefit rather than threaten him. Stay calm and relaxed. Melt down the hostility by being helpful rather than defensive. 
• In the second case, try to understand your boss’s perfectionism including what she likes and dislikes. Do your best to clarify expectations and priorities so you can address the areas that are of greatest concern to her and relieve some of the pressure she feels. If you simply cannot keep up with the demands of a perfectionist, consider a lateral move to work with another boss who is a better fit. Do this sooner rather than later when it becomes evident that you cannot satisfy your current boss. Otherwise, you may find yourself with a string of bad performance reviews simply because your perfectionist boss can’t see the good in anything you do. 

Tip: When dealing with a perfectionist, it’s usually not necessary to engage in a public confrontation. Take her aside in a private conversation. You can be assertive in a non-confrontational way. For example, you might say, “I’m curious, perhaps you can help me out. In our department meeting, you made some statements about me that really surprised and confused me. I’d like to gain some clarity on what your expectations are since I made notes of your previous instructions and made sure to follow them.”

• Finally, when confronting a person who enjoys bullying, you have to be a fighter (not physically, but mentally). If you are non-assertive, learn to be self-confident and assertive. Stay calm and maintain control of your voice and gestures. Practice making more eye contact. Learn to speak out clearly, calmly, firmly, and directly to the point. Stop the bully on the spot when you are being treated badly. He won’t expect to be called on his behavior in public—so use the element of surprise to your advantage. Insist politely that he rephrase, making it clear that abusive and acrimonious language is unnecessary and unacceptable. Stop the conversation and leave the room if he continues to act negatively. Take his attempted humiliation as a challenge to build up your confidence. 

Above all, remember that nobody can bully you unless you allow them to do so. They may behave badly in your presence, but they cannot beat you down.

What If an Employee Is Being a Bully?

If you are a manager or employer, dealing with workplace bullying is a very important part of your job. The cost of doing nothing is far too high. Your organization will suffer excessive turnover, poor productivity, absenteeism, and many other problems if you turn a blind eye.

Here are some ways you can reduce incidences of workplace bullying to provide the safe work environment your employees deserve:

• Set an example for treating all employees with respect.
• Encourage cooperation rather than competition among workers.
• Be alert to behavioral changes and stress responses that may indicate a worker is being bullied.
• Offer coaching to help employees communicate well and resolve conflicts assertively, effectively, and peacefully.
• Institute 360 performance reviews that encourage peers and subordinates to be open about their experiences in the workplace.
• Provide a confidential way for employees to report bullying behavior.
• Follow up on all reports with investigation and appropriate action.
• When dealing with bullies, be specific about the actions and behaviors that are not acceptable at work.
• Focus on changing the behavior, not attacking the person.

? Offer counseling to help workplace bullies change their behavior.

? Move forward with documentation, warnings, disciplinary actions, and termination for abusive employees who refuse to change.

Inoculate Yourself against Coworkers Who Bully

Do you wish you were one of the “popular people” in your workplace? These individuals rarely seem to be the target of bullies. And if someone does come after them, coworkers rally around to defend. These popular employees always have someone to turn to for help if they face a challenging situation. 

You don’t have to be born with a winning personality to become well-liked at work. In fact, popularity is often a matter of consistently cultivating a positive attitude and manner of interacting with others. If you are not socially out-going, that’s OK. Fortunately, being popular has more to do with being a good listener than being a great talker. It’s all a matter of putting your energy into building others up. In a work environment where people feel good about themselves, they are less likely to stand idly by when they see bullying taking place.

Here are a few ways you can develop more popularity in the workplace and insulate yourself from unsavory characters.

• Learn to be genuinely interested in the people around you.
• Give them your full attention and listen to what they have to say.
• Ask questions to learn more about their lives, hopes, dreams, and challenges.
• Be quick to make amends if you hurt another person.
• Take responsibility for your mistakes (without letting people blame you for theirs).
• Offer sincere compliments to each person you interact with.

With these simple practices, you will not only be better-liked, you will enjoy your workday more. 

Meet Gemma

Gemma, aged 19, started work in the customer service department of a home shopping company. Her main duties were to answer customer email queries, follow up on complaints, and resolve service and delivery issues. Eager to please, Gemma was very efficient and enjoyed upholding a high standard of service. This was evident in the satisfaction surveys that customers were invited to complete after communication with the department.

Very soon after starting the job, Gemma was faced with the dilemma of having to address a complaint relating to a colleague within her department. She followed the company policy of referring the complaint to a senior supervisor. This policy was supposed to prevent bad feeling and negativity between coworkers. Unfortunately, during the process of taking the initial complaint from the customer, her conversation was overheard by another colleague. The details were subsequently gossiped during coffee breaks. Soon, Gemma found she was being shunned by several of her coworkers. 

At this point, Gemma was unaware of the reasons for their behavior and continued with her work. Over the following days, the group of women began to intimidate and belittle Gemma, revealing the reason for their dislike of her. When the coworker against whom the complaint had been made was relocated to another department, the bullying intensified as the other women blamed Gemma for their friend’s “punishment.” Gemma knew that she had done nothing wrong. But she believed that reporting these women could only serve to make matters worse. She loved her job and did not want to be forced to seek alternative employment. However, their continued abuse was starting to take its toll by impacting her work. Gemma feared that if the present situation continued her employers might terminate her for performance issues.

Coaching Approach 

It was clear from the outset that Gemma was under significant pressure as a result of her colleagues’ behavior. The initial discussion covered how the bullying was negatively affecting her work. Gemma needed to address her assertiveness and general coping skills. This exploration was facilitated through hypnotherapy. 

This was a first for me. Once in hypnosis, Gemma’s state was deepened through progressive relaxation. She was assisted in releasing tension using a catalytic arm raising technique. Once the desired depth had been achieved, she was given assertiveness suggestions. In addition, Gemma was introduced to dream therapy and was advised to note down the content of her dreams between sessions. These notes revealed the progress of how Gemma was venting the negativity that had built up within her. Gemma was also given a CD to use between sessions which would help to reinforce the assertiveness hypnotherapy. The CD contained a self-hypnosis program that she could use at home to supplement her ongoing therapy.

Gemma's Coaching Outcomes 

After eight weeks, Gemma had become much more confident. Although her colleagues were still continuing their attacks, Gemma was now rising above the situation. She continued her sessions as she felt they benefitted other aspects of her life as well. Three months after her initial session, Gemma excitedly announced that she had not only been promoted to department manager but that the women who had been causing her such pain had all left the company. 

Gemma has not only survived her short-term career issues using coaching, but is persevering and thriving beyond what she had dreamed. This is a good example of how coaching is not just a technique to use for solving problems, but also for creating new possibilities.

What can I do next ... right now ... and I don't have to pay for it?

Give your self-esteem an oil change. 

You should have by now completed the positive affirmations exercise, first introduced in the first post. You are your own best coach.

Coaches exist as a sort of reminder to do the things that you know you should do, though often fail to do. If you've done the exercise, then great. You're ready for the next level. If you haven't, until you don't change, everything around you is a reflection of your inner state. The problem isn't "out there" but "in you".

Please go back to previous posts and download your positive affirmations template.

A Happy New Year. I'll be back with another Attitudes for Success post the first week of January 2019.

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Bibliography

1. Dr. James K. Van Fleet, Conversation Power
2. Jennifer Alsever, How to Handle a Workplace Bully