The Attitudes of a Narcissist - 4 Ways to Maintain Your Sanity

I myself have been subjected to several Narcissists in my life both Personally and Professionally. They use to cause me a lot of emotional and mental pain for many reasons, but since studying and researching Narcissism and understanding how they see and process the world around them, I feel more pity than loathing for them these days. Narcissists are very sad individuals that constantly live in a world of PAIN and FEAR of being discovered as a FRAUD, IMPOSTER, FAKE.

They have severely distorted views about themselves, typically they display an inflated sense of EGO on the outside. On the inside they have severely low self esteem, lack ability to love themselves and others, seldom remorseful for their "bad behaviours" their greatest fear is "Abandonment" and "Rejection". They are a bottomless pit of soul sucking energy if you happen to get involved with a Narcissist, whether they're a parent, a boss or a partner.

They spend their entire lives trapped within the Cycle "Victim - Persecutor - Rescuer". They will always play the "Victim" role and never take accountability for any of their reactions, and they can interchange your role to either "Persecutor or Rescuer" at times that suit them. It's like a Cat and Mouse scenario. Where the Narcissist is the Cat and you're the Mouse being subjected to their games.

If its a Parent who is a Narcissist, they can often play one sibling against the other. That is, one sibling will be the "golden child, idolised and never can do wrong" and the other one "the black sheep, constantly criticized and blamed for everything".

If it's a Boss who is a Narcissist, because of their self-inflated Ego's due to their internal insecurities, they will band together a group of employees that will assist them to shine and help them climb their way to the top. How will they do this? If you're of value the Narcissist will sing your praises, they will idolise you and stroke your ego. "Idolisation Phase" This ego stroking will be just enough to hook you in. By this time you've lowered your guard, established trust and rapport with the Narcissist and this is where the Narcissist will work their magic. They will take your innovative and creative ideas as their own to seek self-promotion and advancement at work. Then once they know they've romanced you, they'll flip the switch.

They will pull rank when it suits them to get what they want. If they see an Employee as Competition they will instantly find ways to devalue that employee either by covert/overt tactics and start with the character assassinations around the office to ensure that the high performing employee is never promoted to the level of the Narcissist or even worse promoted above the Narcissist.

So next time you're up against a Narcissist best strategy to protect yourself from Mental and Emotional Harm is to reprogram your thinking. How? 

1. Never try to analyse their irrational outbursts from your Perspective, their brain is wired differently! For example: Look in the mirror what do you see? You see a reflection of yourself. Now, fill a glass with water, stand in front of the mirror, pour the water over the mirror then try to see your reflection through the water. It's distorted right? That's exactly how the Narcissist sees the world.

2. If the Narcissist is yelling at you and telling you horrible things about yourself such as, "You're a bad employee, or a mother (if you're in a relationship), or daughter (if its a parent), etc..." It's not about you its about their internal shame and disgust they have for themselves. This is the "Devaluation Phase" of the Relationship.

3. If the Narc is saying that you're overemotional, overly sensitive, can't take a joke, making out that it never happened or to that extent making you believe that you provoked it, clinically termed "Gaslighting". Keep an updated journal of your accounts with them, just to check you're not going crazy by their denials. They will make you feel like you are wrong to feel the way you do, they will break you down and cross your Boundaries. Because they don't have Boundaries. Documenting everything will ensure that you're sanity is kept in tact, you have evidence in case you need to pull on it, and you can see patterns that can help you mitigate and preempt future dealings with the Narcissist.

4. Once the Narcissist has sucked you dry and can sense that either you're pulling away or they've realised you've worked them out, they will then proceed to assassinate your character by turning those close to you against you, by fabricating lies about you, which is basically their own internal insecurities being bestowed upon you. How lucky are you?

The only way they can remove their internal disdain for themselves is by projecting these thoughts/feelings onto the victim. It will make them feel empowered for a short while, but once the euphoria wears off, their disdain and emptiness returns until the next eruption.

Ideal Solution: is to minimise contact with a Narc or cut ties altogether (if possible).

If the Narcissist is a Boss, if you can't change managers or exit the company. The best way is to document all dealings with the Narcissist, and ensure that you continue to maintain your professionalism. Ensure that you are building your Networks within the Office so they are not in a position to "Assassinate your Reputation and Kill your Career".

If the Narcissist is a Parent, or you suspect they are one, think about the words they've said to you over the years....do you repeatedly hear those words in floating around in your head? Eg. "I'm never good enough" "I'm dumb" "I'm ugly" "It's always my fault" "I'm not perfect" "I'm unlovable" "Why can't you be more like your Brother?". Most likely these have been programmed into you since childhood.

The good news is, once you realise that you can't measure up to a Narcissists unrealistic expectations and that you can't please them no matter what, and you are ready to no longer take the blame for the Narcissists "Nasty" Behaviours, then and only then, you can commence the long road to healing. Don't suffer in silence and don't think you're going crazy, mostly like you've been romanced, devalued and assassinated by a Narcissist.

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Paula Dunn - Founder & Director, No Limits Consulting is a Leadership and Culture Strategiest that loves helping Business Leaders Elevate their Execute Presence and enhance their Organisational Culture through her creation of Limited Edition Leaders Philosophy. If you enjoyed this blog and like to learn more about "toxic behaviours" I'd love to connect with you please connect with me on LinkedIn or subscribe to my monthly newsletter through my website www.nolimitsconsulting.com.au. "All People are Created Equal, but not all Leaders are Limited Editions."