Attitude Changes Everything

Dear Readers,

The other day a friend and I were reflecting on how much our attitudes toward challenging situations have evolved over the years.

When we first entered the working world in our first customer-facing roles, every time someone would get frustrated and angry or give harsh feedback, we’d react hastily (and often poorly), absorb the negative energy, and/or take it personally. We’d feel the stress in our bodies for hours and allow the interaction to cast a pall over the rest of the day. Sometimes we’d even take it home and complain to our roommates, partners, or even co-workers over a late happy hour.

Fun and productive, right?

In our defense, Gen X was not raised with mind-body awareness, so we were not well resourced in how to manage our stress or reactivity.

Now that we’re older (and mostly wiser), we know that we always have a choice as to how we respond to all parts of our day, both sunny and challenging. And now that she leads a large organization, this is something she coaches her fabulous team on.

Customers are entitled to their opinions, and assuming they’ve not crossed the line into harassment or abuse, they can share this feedback freely. Although it’s certainly preferable to communicate with civility, some folks haven’t yet mastered that skill.

That doesn’t mean that we have to allow their tone, mood, or words to destroy our day, however. We can simply accept the information they are conveying, and ask questions to ensure we are understanding what their intentions are at the root.

This not only allows us the chance to seek useful information to improve our services and overall work quality, but it also allows the frustrated person to feel heard, and to release the pressure.

The solid learning for our teams is that negative feedback is almost never personal. Most of the time it has literally nothing to do with us. It has much more to do with what is going on in the other person. A person feeling peaceful will give feedback of all kinds peacefully. A person feeling angry will imbue every interaction with heavy intensity.

We do not need to take their words or energy into our inner hearts and souls and chew on it all day and night, driving our roommates and families nuts in the process.

We can adopt an attitude of “let it flow” and “let it be” and “let it go,” and go on about our day in the same state of happiness and satisfaction we had before.

Easier said than done in the face of a particularly triggering event, I realize.

Here are a few exercises to help reset your nervous system after a tense interaction. You probably know some of them already, but I know sometimes I need a refresher so here you go:

• 4-6-8 Breathing: Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 6, out for 8. Repeat 3-5 full cycles and watch your heart rate slow and palm sweat disappear.
• Take a little walk: Even a 10-minute stroll outside, focusing on the trees, birds, architecture, street art, whatever… is enough to settle your nerves and get you out of the fight, flight, freeze, fawn state of reactivity. We respond SO much better when in a more relaxed state and give ourselves a beat to decide whether we even need to react at all.

• In case of emergency: Ok, sometimes folks with less-than-stellar control over their emotions DO cross the line into harassment or abuse.

*****

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