Attention, affection and appreciation make life so simple

I think that's pretty simple and if you are using somebody and if you're using that somebody to have somebody else that means you're taking that away from that somebody else if you need attention and affection from somebody is there just one somebody or are we in a love triangle here because it sounds you're trying to validate for using somebody to get what you need that you feel you're not getting from somebody else's what I buy into so I think you've answered your own question if you're using somebody that means you're usually hurting somebody else and in the end if you are everybody gets hurt!

There are two reasons why a person usually has a hard time showing affection. The first is that affection was not shown to them by their parents or caretakers growing up. Emotionally distant parents can unknowingly pass this characteristic onto their children creating emotionally distant/affection deficient teenagers/adults. It comes down to you simply not knowing how to show affection because it was not shown to you (or at least it was not shown enough). You may feel uncomfortable hugging, kissing, or touching because you don’t know how to handle it. It’s almost as if that part of your brain, because of the experience your parents gave you, did not develop in a healthy way. So, you are lacking and inexperienced when it comes to this.

The second (potential) reason a person has a hard time showing affection is that it is not built into their personality/innate characteristics. Some people are born not liking a lot of affection (touching, hugging, rubbing, etc.) and therefore do not like to show it because it does not resonate with them emotionally. For a lot of people, hugging and touching coincide with comfort, reassurance, and familiarity. It helps them get through something and it resets them emotionally as they need. For others, the ones we are discussing, this is not something that they require in order to feel good or feel reassured. Some people can manage with just words or facial expressions from another person that relay the same feelings…”you are okay…you are loved…I’m here for you.” This isn’t to say that a hug would send them running away, but they don’t “need” it.

None of these things are wrong or right. They are just some of the many ways that we as humans deal with life and perceive the world around us, as well as ourselves. We all require different levels of emotion, logic, and everything else. Whether you grew up not getting affection from your parents or you simply don’t require it as part of your personality, the important part is that you become aware of why and become comfortable expressing it to others. Communication on something like this can make a world of difference for you and those that mean the most to you.

I know for me it’s very difficult to show affection because growing up I wasn’t paid attention to, and was abandoned so I didn’t receive affection like a child should, so I don’t know how to show it. My best friend finds it difficult because she was molested as a child. Also people with autism and certain disorders have a hard time with affection. There’s many reason as to why but those are what I can think of. I think showing affection involves a lot of vulnerability and emotional risk. If the person doesn’t trust or is unsure “how to do it right”, or be respectful they may choose to avoid it rather than risk ridicule. Many factors can lead to this fear including neurological, cognitive, emotional issues along with challenges in bonding and affection in the past.

Difficulty in showing affection to others is a result of various factors throughout an individual’s life. More often than not, it is linked to one’s childhood/past. Someone who had been neglected, physically, emotionally or sexually abused, faced domestic violence caused them to build a defence system for themselves in a bid to protect their psyche from further external damage. Some do it by dissociation from reality. Others try to suppress their emotions and become numb to their feelings. Because of this, even up till adulthood, they can’t get in touch with their feelings and are thus, unable to express affection.

They are afraid that they may get hurt or threatened by others if they let their guard down so they may find it better to be emotionless and cold. Besides the emotional aspects, there are also medical diseases that may cause one to be unable to show affection for others. Autism, mental retardation, certain mental conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder affects the cognitive system in a person and cause them to only care for themselves, not others. Cheers!