There are no attacks... only invitations to dance

Words can hurt. Words about the things that are important to us can really hurt. And words from loved ones can hurt even more. It's a natural human reaction to take these hurtful words personally.

But what if we were to handle them differently?

I'd like to share with you one of the most powerful phrases I've ever heard to help with exactly this.

Before we dive in, I'd like to nip back in time...

"Time for stretching lads".

If you listened carefully you could hear our eyes roll.

It was the end of another football match and our manager, Norman - or Norm as he was affectionately called,?would instruct us to go and do a warm down.

"Just 5 minutes of stretching" he'd say.

We obliged and all got in a circle.

But as soon as his back was turned, we would start messing around.

Just like in the classic children's game 'What's the time Mr Wolf?' when he would come and check on us we would all freeze like statues and turn whatever position we were in to some kind of 'stretch'.

Some 20 years later if I try to touch my toes, I can feel the top of my kneecaps!

Maybe Norm was right.

Maybe flexibility is important.

Physical flexibility is one thing. But mental flexibility is something altogether different.

That's what I have been working on since 2015 and it all started with a phrase I heard when listening to a podcast. The guest, who sadly I cannot remember, said:

"There are no attacks, only invitations to dance".

Confused, but intrigued, I listened on.

When we have mental flexibility, we see challenges, criticism and obstacles not as personal attacks, but as invitations to practice our mental flexibility and dance with the challenge and stay in our flow.

After that initial idea, I started researching how to embody it.

How do we do that?

We observe rather than react.

We're curious rather than resentful.

We search for better questions rather than repeat old answers.

And so whether it's a loaded, sarcastic comment from a parent, a setback in one of your goals or a stinging bit of criticism about your work, you see it as simply an invitation to dance.

But what happens when you start to learn to dance?

It feels awkward, clunky and all your focus is on trying to put your feet in the right places.

But with practice, your learn how to do it.

Your muscle memory builds and it starts to become fun.

You see yourself gradually improving and you build self-belief.

And finally it becomes natural.

It's a source of joy.

Mental flexibility is something we can all develop with some time, practice and attention.

If you can keep that phrase in the front of your mind, you can use that as your anchor to keep it light and keep it moving.

There's a little ingredient that will make this process easier for you.

Cultivating your internal dialogue to say to yourself "I can do this".

These simple little words might not be the first ones that come to your mind. In the past I've had some pretty nasty thoughts going round my head. I would talk to myself more harshly than I would ever dream of talking to another person.

Yet when it's on the inside, it can go unnoticed.

Cultivating the "I can do this" is your cue to start to dance.

Observe vs react

In the heat of the moment, challenges, criticism and obstacles can evoke intense emotions. When we adopt the position of observer, we can notice what's going on rather than react to it. This allows us to maintain emotional composure and choose how we respond rather than automatically react.

Curious vs resentful

Curiosity is so powerful because it disengages the stress response. When we adopt a curious mindset we're in the position of greatest flexibility. We can become interested in why people are doing what they're doing. We can become curious about their intentions and their values rather than just their actions.

Better questions vs old answers

Quality questions open our mind up to quality answers, which can then help us make better choices. From our curious observer position, we can start to think in terms of:

What would have to happen to get X?

Who would I need to become to do Y?

How can I start improving Z?

What's, Who's and How's open up possibilities.

Summary

Protecting your emotional state in today's world is not easy. Whether it's family, work or social media, we're barraged by information almost 24/7.?

Mental flexibility is the key to enjoying the ride we call life and curiosity is at the heart of making this possible.

Think about a challenge or difficulty you're currently having. If you were to see this as an invitation to dance, what would you do differently?

Until next time,?

Danny