The Assumptive Masculinity Box
Lot to potentially unpack here, so let’s take it step-by-step.
“The Masculinity Box, or Prison”
You can learn a bit more about this concept in this article , but it basically summarizes out as:
The man box concept summarizes in elegant metaphor the pressures that “attempt to control, manipulate, and shame men into being a certain way,” the psychologist Heather Stevenson tells Lifehacker. “Anything that falls outside of the man box, [such as] being emotional, vulnerable, or showing compassion, is not only not allowed, but will strip men of their masculinity card or reject them from the tribe.”
Now, if you think about how important tribal identity is in general, but especially right now — more in the political vein, but definitely in the gender vein too around #MeToo and supposed “cancellations” — you realize that a risk of being outcast from the tribe is a big risk for people. So even if you’re not that type of alpha-dude, you might flex and try to be because it’s easier psychologically than being your real self. Your real self might get you booted, and most people don’t want to get booted.
Now it becomes more complicated: Male traits and depression
Those who show more male traits are less susceptible to depression, per 40 years of research.
This is where it gets complicated, especially in a work sense. It’s easy to look at women at work and scoff and say “They cry” or “They focus on issues that aren’t biz issues” and “It’s no wonder they get depressed more easily, they’re not warriors like us.”
领英推荐
In reality, dudes get depressed crazy easily , but dudes aren’t supposed to discuss being depressed (see above), and the dichotomy — or the gap in self, really — is what causes the real issues. Men feel anyway like they can only express via anger, or maybe sex or weights or something, and the gap in self intensifies it. So I’m depressed, but I’m trapped in the Masculinity Prison and can’t discuss it, and here’s a study saying if I act more masculine then I’ll feel less depressed, supposedly. The cognitive dissonance associated with these different aspects of being a guy are insane to even consider.
More on masculinity
Is this about definitions of success?
Somewhat, yes. More broadly it’s about definitions of success, how you prioritize different trappings in your life (an element of success), definitions of gender, and your various network of relationships. It’s interesting that we’ve somehow turned gender discussions into culture wars discussions, without having real discussions about masculinity and its constraints. It feels like we did the order wrong; we needed to figure out what was wrong with masculinity, and what was wrong with expectations for females, and then we can turn it all into a giant culture wars mesh of bullshit. It’s hard to be both a man and a woman in terms of societal “expectations,” “conditions,” or “responsibilities.” It’s also easy to argue “Well, average people don’t think about this stuff, they just go live their life.” That’s not untrue either. Maybe I’m weird for even considering it. But don’t, in some ways, we need a whole-scale new approach to masculinity and how to define male success?
Teach young boys about crying, about different versions of success, about sex: Don’t create warriors. We don’t need those anymore. Create men who can feel and discuss. I legitimately know dudes for 20+ years and I call/text them and say “My wife and I are getting divorced.” They respond: “Oh, that sucks.” Like, gimme a little fucking slice of something, my man. Raise the bar an inch. If you’re a father, even of daughters, strive to create that. Create that in dudes that play with your daughters if you must. Create that in Little League. It should be your goal that no man you encounter will get to that moment with a friend and say “Oh, that sucks.” Make men work harder at what actually matters to life.
Takes?