Assumptions and Broken Expectations

Back in 2019:

• During the red zone, all the physical appearance changes began (as we know them from movies and ADVing images). I lost my hair, my skin complexity shifted, my cheerful – flamboyant personality started drifting, the fatigue was up and down, I gained weight like never before. I didn’t lose connection to the outer world because I was still working even during my treatment protocol, and my mental abilities (aside from the pain) were still productive (not to my best of abilities – but were still productive). In a nutshell, my appearance indicated I am sick, but I could still be productive and attentive.

This is not the story, nor an introduction to build the narrative around a Cancer Patient or a cause to rally pink ribbon parade. It’s not intended to win empathy either!

Just to start the actual story…

The Rollercoaster of emotions:

As a cancer patient! ???????? ??? ???????? ??? ???????? I was blessed to have the most amazing, supportive, caring network of families, friends, colleagues (except for some of course). There were those times where I truly felt like I wanted to be left alone, to feel the pain alone, to scream alone!!!! Which they did hesitantly just to give me the space and support I needed.

The problem:

I felt everybody’s emotional connection every step of the way, although I didn’t need that much support during the chemotherapy phase. To be honest the PHYSICAL APPEARANCE made it so easy, I didn’t need to explain myself, I didn’t need to establish a narrative, I didn’t need to tell a story to get anyone to feel me or support me.

Although!! through all of this I was still attending to work, reading books, cooking for my kids, running errands, managing all our appointments except for the two days I am administered for chemotherapy. Usually! life was as normal any other day and I managed to go out, attend weddings, be socially connected as much as possible even during COVID 19.

HOWEVER!

During the yellow zone, my medication was a combination of hormonal treatments and here were I started to feel the real shift in personality (not just missing the bubbly & happy me) but also the stress, the depressions, the hazy mind, the emotional drain, the flakey memory, the temper issues, the bone pain (not the sort of pain that could be resolved with paracetamol) but still body aches, and much much more. All of these were side effects of my medication.

Here where I started to feel I need people to be around me more, I want my support system again! Thinking that I’ll get them all to support me exactly as I had them before.

It all began when I noticed everybody is not as supportive as I thought they would be. They are there yes, but they are expecting me to act, think and respond normally. It became even worse when they all wanted me to respond with full mental ability, full controlled temper, full engagement and take lead and champion other things. They just wanted me to act like a normal person again!

Even worse, many started getting mad or impatient with me leading me to feel triple the stress! Actually due to the medication side effects, I didn’t know how I felt or thought then. I just knew something is wrong.

All the above was not just on a personal level, but also at a professional level too.

Whenever I inform my friends, my colleagues, and my family about the side effects of my hormonal treatments, they question me or request official validation to indicate that I am going through everything I “CLAIM” I am suffering from. Still, with the medical reports in hand, I still felt disconnected emotionally and people are no longer as supportive as they were before.

I was confronted “Haifa, you can’t exaggerate things, we’ve all been there when our body aches. Couple of Panadol pills and we are back to doing everything we need to do.”

HERE where I realized the missing connection and I didn’t reach the realization till I temporarily stopped my hormonal medication.

The Rationale:

Reflecting on all the above and every detail I’ve been through made me realize that Stereotyping and every other synonym of the word is: “a Wide held, simplified and essentialist belief about a specific group. Groups are often stereotyped based on gender, race and ethnicity, nationality, age, socioeconomic status, language, and so forth. Stereotypes are deeply embedded within social institutions and wider culture.”

This includes words such?BIAS, which describes a subconscious attitude that affects the way individuals feel and think about others around them. I also went ahead to research and learn other synonyms such PRESUMPTUOUS: a person who is led by his assumptions. (Acts for himself against other based on tangible facts or beliefs).

Similarly researched about PREJUDICE which is all about acting based on preconceived judgment on people’s actions or opinions and demonstrating irrational attitudes against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics because of the judgment. (Again this is a reflex action based on facts and tangible situations)

There is?MICROAGGRESSION?treating minority of people negatively on intention or by accident.They are all about looking at a factual element - be it gender, race, ethnicity, nationality, age, way of thinking, way of living etc - (Again, noticing the fact is there and treating people unfairly, differently, or negatively for the fact we classify “undesirable.”)

Before we move on to presenting examples, rational, and the results. It's really important to outline that what makes the assumption-based way of living worse; is when it's associated with high or any form of expectations.

For example, back to my experience, “assuming” I am physically challenged and need people hovering over my head because I looked sick when I didn’t need that much support from everybody. On the contrary, when I needed support the most, I was confronted with exaggerating and was left alone to battle all sorts of physical, emotional, and mental needs and challenges.

It’s also like when we see a rich person driving a very expensive car, then we “assume” they are wealthy and happy, and we treat them as snobs, not believing they could be sad or going through depression. We end up treating them as narcissists.

Similarly, we make the “assumption” that a well-spoken manager is a productive one, or that employees who are always late-to-submit work are “assumed” to be un-active, unmotivated, and unproductive.

Even as I write this journal, I find myself drafting, writing, erasing, and re-writing, as even the sentences could inadvertently end up perpetuating stereotypes.

However, the narrative I stated earlier indicates that there is a different form of actions that goes beyond "The Beliefs" resulting in stereotypes and a social distress or upheaval.

The Question:

If some tangible facts or “ personal beliefs” could be defined as “stereotypes” leading to undesired classifications or actions against individuals or groups which is considered a biased, unfair, or prejudice. Then, what do we call an assumption or hypothesis of "a claimed reality" not based on tangible evidence; resulting in socially undesirable action against certain people or situations, or even misleading expectations?

The Realization:

Everybody treated me as a sick person (when I did not need to be treated as if I am on the deathbed) because my appearance looked and felt ill. They did not need to be informed, educated, or told that I am sick. My appearance was the “Fact,” and my chemotherapy-drained-body said it all to give me more than I need or even something I didn't need.

I was treated like an "In-Need person" when I was not ill or let’s say not remotely physically challenged.

However, when my appearance was back to normal, but I was emotionally, mentally, physically challenged, no one was able to believe or resonate with me . Leading me to identify that:

There are a set of intentional and unintentional actions that extend to include every Assumption we make, leading us to turn a hypothesis into a reality even if we don’t see before our eyes. Then generalizing the Assumption as a form of Belief or Fact then building expectations on assumptions which later results to classifying people accordingly, acting toward them based on the?ASSUMED HYPOTHESIS and later blame them for not delivering what was anticipated or THE BROKEN EXPECTATIONS. (Quite a mouthful sentence - my apologies)

The implication:

It’s more serious than deciding what do we call it? or what dictionary word we use to indicate the meaning? It’s about the fact that we assume something about other people based on what we regard is the truth, but we don’t dig deep to see or understand what’s the reality or facts. Then build expectations on them to be something they are not, or cannot be (not willingly or intentionally incapable - that's completely different to what I am addressing here), anticipate them to deliver or perform productively on pre-set standards. So we end up judging, naming, act against them based on the assumptions we made; to end up with a broken mind or heart because they did not meet the expectations - we assumed they could be or do.

Although I outlined a social misunderstanding but;

• The problem remains unresolved: who is the mistaken one? Or is to blame? What is the way forward when all don’t realize the problem? What do you think is the problem?

– To be continued –

Till we meet again,

Yours truly,

Haifa Al Shekaili

This article is protected According to the UAE Law of?Intellectual Works Rights?with?Registration certificate number 1063-2023