Assumption is the mother of all fuckups!

Recently I experienced two different situations which proved my statement above, and also confirmed something quite important,?

Communication is key to building strong and trustworthy relationships, however, it is tricky and it can be deceiving.

?Why?

Because, most people listen to respond not to understand.

The fact that we can speak and are in a dialogue with others, doesn't necessarily mean that we are communicating a clear message, and even further, that we are communicating consciously.

Thoughts lead to emotions which lead to behaviours, and that is the way we all communicate and interact with others.?

Taking that sequence into consideration I believe you will agree with me that if we are listening to respond instead of listening actively when we are in a conversation, our thoughts can deceive our #communication.

Why?

Because you won't be communicating consciously. You will be solely reacting to thoughts you are processing in your own mind, which not necessarily are aligned with the messenger's message.?

And, this virtual environment we all live in is a hot spring for miscommunication.?

You read something with a certain state of mind, you feel it and you react. You don't take the time to double check if your perception, your understanding of what has been said (in written form, which is even more challenging) is definitely aligned with the intention of the messenger. So, you assume and react!?

"Why do we assume?", you might ask. Because it is easier. It is easier to make up a story in our minds that conforms to our paradigms (our culture, our values, our beliefs, etc). It is easier to shift our attention to what we want to hear, or feel, instead of actively listening to the other person. It is difficult to shut down our internal conversation because it reinforces our thoughts, our beliefs, and that makes us feel safe, good, right.?

Because communicating consciously requires energy, focus, the willingness to understand, the willingness to accept that there are other views beyond ours. And all of those can be quite uncomfortable and unsettling, so we shut our ears to the outside and start listening to our private stories instead, and react. Self-defence, self-protection, one can say.

As someone who teaches, coaches, train and mentor other leaders to master their communication and presentation skills, and push them even further towards developing a #consciouscommunication behaviour - and I say behaviour because once the knowledge is internalised, the behaviour changes with the practice of the knowledge - my own communication skills are under check all the time, and I'm very attentive of when a reactive communication pattern might present itself, because, believe me, it is quite easy to fall into it.

The capacity to listen actively and empathetically, the willingness to avoid assuming at all costs, that our point of view is understood and resonates with our interlocutor, is not a given, no matter how experienced we consider ourselves as communicators and leaders.?

To understand that our truth might not be someone else's truth, that our needs might mean nothing to someone else, that our understanding of what is said (or written) might not be aligned with the intention of the messenger, is not only a given either, instead it is an invitation to expand our own knowledge and challenge our own capacity of listening empathetically and respond consciously. It is an invitation to ask genuine questions, with the honest intention to understand.?

My call to attention, and action, to everyone is,?

Watch your thoughts while having a conversation. Then ask yourself:

??Am I listening to what is said, or solely formulating my answers??

??Am I sure that my understanding of what was said is aligned with the intention of the messenger, or am I assuming it?

??Am I giving others enough space to express their views, or am I imposing my way of seeing the world?

??Am I sure that my perception of others is really aligned with who they really are and see themselves??

After that, do the following:

? Before answering, before giving your view of a subject in matter, breathe… pause… think… and then answer. And, if you are writing, you have even more time to reflect before giving your response.?

? Note that there is a big distinction between reacting and acting upon. Acting up what is said in a conversation sends a signal that you are listening, that you are able to express your views without invalidating the other person's views. It shows respect and it opens space to collaboration and to co-creation.

I do believe if we all do self-checking on a regular basis by asking ourselves some of the questions listed above and start "acting upon" what is said, instead of reacting, our communication, and relationships, will improve at all levels.

And by doing so, I can assure you that you will be communicating consciously. Trust me. ??

Tulia ??

Communication Architect | Speaker | Author

If you want to find out how to apply conscious communication to get your message across every time you speak, to deal with conflicts and high steak negotiations while keeping your calm and focus, to build engaging and motivated teams, to improve the quality of your own relationships whether professionally or personally, send me a DM or get in touch at [email protected]

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