ASS.U.ME

 Assumption is the thorn in the leg of communication, leading to tearing relationships apart.

 Most relationships begin to decay or come to an end due to a flaw in communication. And assumption plays a big role in this communication gap. This gap that begins as a small mole most of the time then gets fueled by EGO to take huge proportions and eventually goes beyond repair. This is very true especially in the case of communication between a man and a woman and communication between persons of two different behavioral styles.

 So, let us examine what role ASSUMPTION plays in this entire matter. There is usually a saying, to assume means, to make an ASS out of U and ME (ASS U ME).

 Most of the time there is an internal communication (a talk going on in our mind) and then there is the external communication (that what we say aloud to others). We draw a picture in our mind how something needs to be done or how things need to happen and keeping that picture in mind we communicate to others as if (ASSUMING) they are seeing that same picture as vividly as it is in our mind. Hence our message conveyed, is a mixture of the words we say aloud and the picture in our mind. Thus, it may be complete to us in terms of the perspective we hold, yet, to the other person we only verbally convey half the message that we wish to. The other person, then goes on to complete the message based on their own perspective.

 The other day, I reached my GYM as usual at 6.30 am only to find that my Personal Trainer was not to be found. I felt a little irritated at first as I had informed him that I will be coming for training previously (At least that’s what I ASSUMED). The irritation increased when I realized that I would not be able use his services for another 4 days if I missed that day as, I would not be going to the GYM due to a busy schedule. I got on to the treadmill, running all these thoughts. Being irritated I started my walk.

 My selftalk started and I went offensive (in my mind) with the trainer as I believed, I had informed him that I would be there 3 days a week. (You see I can’t go offensive physically with him as he is much stronger…… atleast as of now J . So what happened next ………..I will share with you at the end of this article.

 So, what do we do to ensure that our relationship does not go sour due to what possibly can be attributed to ASSUMPTION of facts and understanding leading to faulty communication??

I am sharing below few steps that if we practice, our communication could improve and thereby our relationship with people around us could strengthen

a)   AWARENESS OF VARIOUS BEHAVIORAL STYLES

This is where it all begins. We are all differently wired. We all have our own unique behavioral styles – the way we act and react. Some are Fast, some are slow. Some like details and some like the bigger picture or short and crisp manner. Some like it in images and visual communication where are some like to listen to verbal messages. Normally we tend to communicate in our style. We ASSUME that the other person also would prefer and understand the same way as us or that is the only way to communicate. Knowing the behavioral styles and adapting to communicate in a manner that reaches the message effectively to other person is of prime importance and could save us many relationship in our life.

b)   CONFIRM AND RECONFIRM:

It is of utmost importance that we go on to listen to what we ourselves are saying, to see if it makes sense and it is complete in all respects. Then, it is also important to confirm and reconfirm a few times with the other person that they have the same understanding as us. Our Intuition and gut feeling play a big role here. Whenever there is an assumption, usually our Intuition would give us signal that the communication is not complete or that something could go wrong. It will tell us even before the event occurs to take corrective action. It could be in the form of an internal message or a nudge from someone who is aware of what’s going on. Usually most people tend to overlook or ignore the intuition. Later, we would feel like kicking ourselves for not paying attention to the same.

c)    TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY:

If something goes wrong, human tendency is immediately to find a scape goat or see who can be blamed. We immediately go on the offensive on others (physically or in our mind), because we have learnt that “offense is the best form of defense”. Most of the time the issue is in our own communication. Most of the time we ourselves would have been at fault. The best thing to do if we really value the relationship is to immediately introspect as to how could we have conveyed the message or instructions in a better way. There is always something we could have done better. Hence take 100% responsibility, examine the communication itself, keeping the behavioral style of the receiver see how the message would have landed on them.

d)   REMEMBER THE FORMULA - E + R = O:

If everything that happens in our life on a day to day, moment to moment basis is considered an Event (E), our response (R) to these events determine the Outcome (O). Thus, whenever an Event happens, we always have few choices on how we respond to the same. If we pause, analyze and choose consciously a response that we will determine the best outcome our quality of results, relationships and life will automatically start improving. It is very important that we must never respond when we are gripped by an emotional state. Also, best thing to do is to take 100% ownership and ask ourselves again and again how we could have communicated better.

e)   “TO ERR IS HUMAN”

Last but not the least, we are all human beings and to ‘err is human’. Wear a Smile, see what best can be done under the circumstances and move on. The more we linger on to the event, the more we are going to ruin our own aura and that of others around. We could spoil the day for ourselves and others. We could kill a relationship. Keeping all this in mind. Its best to let go move on. Remember there is always something to learn, to take away from the event and work on getting it right the next time.

Coming back to my story, as I was on the treadmill, I exactly followed the above steps. I went back in my mind and examined my communication to him. This is what I found;

1)    I realized that I had told him I will come 3 days in a week, I did not specify which days. (I ASSUMED that I had told him I will be there alternate days)

2)   I had his WhatsApp number, yet I did not inform him previous day that I will be needing his services the next morning.

3)    As I examined deeper, the cause for my irritation, I realized it was not over him, it was over my own communication (or lack of it).

4)    I took 100% ownership and went on with my treadmill for 15 mins.

As I came back to senses and realized that there was a familiar song playing. Upon turning around, I saw that he had just entered the GYM and was waiting for me to finish the treadmill although he did not mean to be there for me.

I smiled to myself, sometimes just letting go and not reacting could also bring a favorable result.

Remember, the fault is ALL OURS. It just takes a moment to shatter a relationship, that which takes years to nurture.