The Asshole Whisperer: How to Talk to Toxic Leaders~#1 in a series: The Narcissist

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You meet a friend who has just started a new job. You take her out to celebrate, and you ask, "How's the new boss?"

"A real asshole," she says.

And you immediately know that she's talking about one of several classic, toxic leadership types, any of which makes you grind your back molars to a pulp.

Two questions immediately arise: How does your friend deal with this toxic jerk, and when does your friend start looking for yet another job?

After having coached hundreds of executives over the years, I decided to write a short book about how to deal with toxic leaders. Found in every office everywhere, these pain-in-the-ass poisonous leaders destroy people and cultures. Learning how to deal with them is an art and a science. We call them Assholes, and teaching people to deal with them is about becoming an Asshole Whisperer. This is the first of several samples from the book due out in early summer this year.

The Narcissist

Let's start with the rockstar of the Asshole parade: the Narcissistic Leader. You know the type—struts around like they invented oxygen, expects applause for showing up to a meeting five minutes late, and thinks empathy is a brand of artisanal water they'd never deign to drink. These peacocks are so self-obsessed they'd frame their own shadow if it complimented them right. Good luck getting a word in edgewise; their favorite conversation is the one where you nod while they monologue about their genius.

Spotting the Beast—Ego on a Shingle

Here's the profile: they crave admiration like a vampire craves blood, but with worse hair gel. They'll interrupt your pitch to tell you how they would've done it better, then forget your name while basking in the glow of their own reflection. Empathy? Ha! They'd sooner donate their bonus to charity than care about your feelings. And don't bother with criticism; they'll either gaslight you into thinking you're the problem or sulk like a toddler who lost his juice box.

Strategies (Because You Can't Just Quit… Yet)

Dealing with these ego monsters is like training a lion with a feather duster—tricky but doable if you're slick. First, flattery is your secret weapon. Lay it on thick, but don't overdo it, or they'll smell the sarcasm and make you their next vendetta. Try something like, "Wow, your vision on this is so bold, I'd love to help polish it." Boom—they're purring, and you're still breathing.

Next, when you've got feedback that might bruise their fragile little god-complex, wrap it in a compliment sandwich so juicy they'll eat it up. "Your strategy last quarter was legendary—maybe tweaking this tiny detail could make it even more iconic? You're the mastermind here." They'll be too busy preening to notice you just called their plan half-baked.

And here's the kicker: don't take their crap personally. They're not dismissing you; they're dismissing anything that doesn't come with a mirror attached. Stay calm, keep your distance, and channel your inner Zen master while plotting your next move. Michael Maccoby's Narcissistic Leaders says these types can succeed big or crash hard—your job is to ride the wave without drowning.

Case Study: The CEO Who Loved Himself More Than His Stock Price

Picture this: a tech startup. CEO "Chad" struts into every meeting like he's auditioning for The Wolf of Wall Street. His team's pitching a new app feature, and he cuts them off mid-sentence to rant about how he single-handedly saved the company from ruin. (Spoiler: he didn't.) Enter Sarah, a mid-level dev with nerves of steel and a knack for bullshit bingo. She waits for Chad to pause for breath—rare, but it happens—then says, "Chad, your leadership is why we're even in this room. I've got a tweak that could make your vision unstoppable. Wanna hear it?" Chad, drunk on his own hype, nods. Sarah slips in a total rewrite of his garbage idea, framed as "enhancing his brilliance." App launches, stock spikes, and Sarah's quietly running the show while Chad poses for Forbes. Moral? Play the game to win the war.

The Snarky Takeaway

Narcissistic leaders are walking, talking Instagram filters—everything's about them, and reality's optional. You're not here to fix their soul (good luck with that); you're here to get shit done without losing your mind. Flatter, frame, and float above their nonsense. Next up, we've got the passive-aggressive pricks who'll smile while stabbing you in the back—stay tuned.

Whisperer's Notebook: The Narcissist

• Spot the Peacock: Jot down when your boss turned a team win into their personal Oscar speech. How many "I's" did they drop before you lost count?
• Exercise: Flattery Trap: Write a one-liner to flatter your narcissist without gagging. Example: "Your idea's so bold; I'm just here to carry the cape." Test it in real life and report back—did they purr or vomit?
• Asshole Spotting Checklist:
• [ ] Interrupts you to boast about their brilliance.
• [ ] Mentions their "vision" more than once per sentence.
• [ ] Can't name a single team member without a mirror handy.
• Score 3/3? Congrats, you've identified a Grade-A Narcissist. Frame their ego and hang it in the break room.

Corporate Speak vs. Reality

·?????? “Let’s circle back on this.” Translation: “I have no intention of addressing this, but I want to sound collaborative.”

·?????? “I hear what you’re saying, but…” Translation: “I’m about to completely dismiss your idea and remind you that I’m in charge.”

·?????? “Let’s put a pin in that.” Translation: “That idea will never see the light of day.”

·?????? “I appreciate your feedback.” Translation: “I will immediately forget everything you just said.”

·?????? “We’re all on the same team here.” Translation: “You should agree with me, or I’ll make your life hell.”

·?????? “This is a high-priority initiative.” Translation: “This will be forgotten by next quarter, but for now, you better act busy.”

Look for this new book in June on Amazon.

Looking for a speaker at your next off-site, virtual or otherwise, let me know: sgladis@stevegladis.com

George Mason Virtual Workshop: Leading in Uncertain Times

Click the link below to register for this class as George Mason's free offering to the business community..

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