"A" for Assertiveness

What is the secret to communicating assertively? You’re challenged to effectively balance empathy, high quality listening and direct communication which can be tricky.

You need to clearly communicate your needs while being mindful of the other person. My fellow LinkedIn instructor and entrepreneur Kim Kaupe is someone who communicates with kindness, respect and candor in every sticky situation. She joined me on my Stronger Live show this month to share great insights on navigating direct communication while being diplomatic, and not burning bridges along the way.

TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH CLIENTS

Manage unrealistic expectations. As the founder of a marketing agency that works with A-list celebrities (like Paul McCartney, Oprah and others), Kim has plenty of practice communicating with tact while being direct and honest. She shared an experience when the representative for a well-known artist had asked if her team could help pick up the ball when another agency had fallen through. The client asked for a deadline that was unrealistic. Kim tactfully communicated they would have to move the deadline back for her to take on the project. When they refused, she stood her ground and let them know they could go with a different agency. The truth was that the project couldn’t be completed by that date regardless of what the competitor said. Sure enough, the project wasn’t completed on time by the other agency. Losing that business was better than losing her reputation by promising something she couldn’t follow through on.

Stand your ground and share your honest opinion with clients, even though it might not be a popular one.

Take the emotion out. When it comes to being direct and the news is difficult, I am a big fan of the Center for Creative Leadership’s SBI Model. It takes the emotion out and focuses you on the task at hand. Here is an example of an experience I had with a client:

Situation — I was preparing a presentation and, after a planning call with the managers, I began receiving multiple emails from the team regarding what and how I was planning to deliver. I told the human resources rep, “During the last client meeting, we tried to meet the needs of several company managers.”

Behavior — One or two clarifications is certainly acceptable but I was receiving multiple emails every day asking what I was doing and needing step-by-step checks. I followed with, “I’ve received several emails with additional information for each slide.”

Impact — Answering emails was taking away from the time I needed to prepare properly and was making me feel micromanaged. The presentation was suffering, and it felt like the team wasn’t trusting me. I closed my communication with the rep by saying, “In our initial meeting, I took time to be sure I understood the learning objectives. If I spend time communicating about each slide, the final outcome will not be what your team hired me to do.”

I laid out this framework and then was sure to address the power imbalances. Indeed, they were the paying client, but I’m an expert in my field with experience in front of large groups. Without emotion, I communicated that the email threads were overwhelming and that they needed to trust me. Such directness may have been somewhat awkward but, moving forward, I was able to focus on the actual presentation. Ultimately, the client was happy with the results.

Think of an upcoming communication with a client (or even a supervisor) and try putting the SBI model into practice.

TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR TEAM

Power dynamics on a team are typically dispersed but everyone works toward a common goal. If you’re the team’s leader, be aware of when you need to be particularly clear and direct.

Assign work responsibility. One common mistake Kim pointed out during our conversation was emails headed with “Dear All” or “Dear Team” when multiple people are copied. By doing this, it almost absolves anyone of responsibility. Instead, try directing your communication to one person on the team and adding a note like, “You may not be the right person to ask. If that’s the case, please reply and let me know who to ask.”

Acknowledge quieter team members. Kim and I both recently read Jessica Chen 's book, “Smart Not Loud” and loved how she highlighted that the loudest person in the room is often not the only one with insights. As a leader, it’s important to acknowledge those who are less likely to speak up in large meetings. A simple, “Do you have any thoughts on this?” can flood the room with a perspective you may otherwise have missed.

Disagreeing in a meeting. I loved Kim’s new take on “No" being a complete sentence. If you haven’t heard that statement before, the idea is that saying “no” is enough and you don’t need to explain yourself. Like Kim, I’ve also felt that’s a little bit awkward, especially at work. Kim suggested the option of saying “I disagree” followed by a healthy pause. Anyone wanting to know more can ask why. If they don’t care to hear your opinion, then you know you’ve voiced your concerns.

If you missed my conversation with Kim, you can watch it HERE .

ADDITIONAL ASSERTIVENESS TIPS

Practice in low stakes settings. Kim used restaurants as a place to practice. If you’ve ordered sweet potato fries and the waiter brings you regular fries, then ask them to change it. We often default to “I don’t want to rock the boat” or “I’d hate to inconvenience someone” but this is a great place to stand your ground and practice communicating kindly and assertively.

Pay attention to your channels. Written communication makes empathy harder to relay but face-to- face makes you less comfortable with being direct. Decide what the situation calls for and if you want to create a dialogue or a monologue. In a recent ‘calls-out’ to a colleague who I felt was not treating me with integrity, I chose to send them an email. It allowed them to receive the message but, I fully realized, didn’t give them a chance to share their perspective. As a result, they never spoke of my email, and that collaboration has ended.

Be an ally. Support those who may struggle with assertive communication. Step up when you see someone get interrupted or even coach a colleague after a meeting where you’ve noticed they should have been more assertive.

Use new technology. I love the tool called Yoodli which helps assess communication skills. If I’m not using assertive wording or may be communicating too directly, this tool helps me realign. You can turn it on to follow your speaking in meetings to help you make improvements.

As Brené Brown points out, “Clear communication is kind communication.” Assertive communication can include making you a stronger leader and a role model for your team. I’m hopeful that these tips will help you communicate with tact and authority in situations that call for it. I would love to hear about situations you’ve experienced at work that called for assertive communication.

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