Assertiveness - Stand firm when you need to.

Do you consider yourself to be assertive? And what does being assertive mean to you? Does it mean exercising your rights all the time, every time? Or does it mean knowing when to let someone else or some other cause or outcome take precedence over your rights?

I remember, decades back, when I developed assertiveness training for IBM. The course was for Women in Leadership. A number of the male employees said “Women don’t need assertiveness training; they are already too aggressive”. There lies the rub. Few people know and understand that the behaviours are poles apart.

 The differences between assertiveness, non-assertiveness, and aggressiveness are HUGE, because the outcomes are so different.

 Assertiveness is based on balance. 

This approach requires being forthright about your wants and needs while still considering the rights, needs, and wants of others. When you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily get it. At least you know you tried and have set in motion a process to build or strengthen relationships.

 Non-Assertiveness is based on emotional manipulation.

This approach means you fail to state your wants, and is as bad as aggressive behaviour. Your behaviour often invites people to take advantage of you. You choose to take on a victim role.

 Aggressive behaviour is based on winning.

This requires that you do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs, feelings or desires of others. When you are aggressive, you take what you want regardless, and you don't usually ask.

 “Being assertive is not necessarily easy, but it is certainly a skill that can be learned. Developing your assertiveness starts with a good understanding of who you are and a belief in the value you bring. When you have that, you have the basis of self-confidence.”

Assertiveness helps to build on that self-confidence and provides many other benefits for improving your relationships at work and in other areas of your life as well.

In general, assertive people: 

• Get to "win-win" more easily – they see the value in their opponent and in his/her position, and can quickly find common ground.
• Are better problem solvers – they feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution.
• Are less stressed – they know they have personal power and they don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or expected.
• Are better at conflict resolution – they have the assertive and listening (will be in a later post) techniques to identify problem ownership.

 “When you act assertively you act fairly and with empathy.”

The power you use comes from your self-assurance and not from intimidation or bullying. When you treat others with such fairness and respect, you get that same treatment in return. You are well liked and people see you as a leader and someone they want to associate with.

In the second post I will discuss assertive techniques and a four step formula.

Marlene Ward is the founder of Persuasive Communications – coaching and training public speaking, assertiveness, and listening skills.

www.persuasivecommunications.com.au