Assertiveness for Anxious People

Here is one chapter of my book: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Chapter 16: Assertiveness for Anxious People

Book available on all international Amazon websites - https://bit.ly/44T3iKn

For India - https://store.pothi.com/book/gaurav-garg-no-more-mr-nice-guy/

Many who struggle with assertiveness also wrestle with social anxiety, fear of judgment, and discomfort being the center of attention. Their anxious tendencies can make speaking up feel terrifying.

However, there are effective strategies to build assertiveness skills even for those prone to anxiety. With preparation and practice, you can express your needs and boundaries in spite of nervousness.

Let's explore techniques to help anxious people strengthen assertiveness:

Start Small to Build Confidence

Don't begin by confronting your biggest fears. Start with low-stakes situations to gain confidence in your skills before working up to more anxiety-provoking ones.

Easy starter steps:

• Asserting preferences to a server at a restaurant
• Asking for clarification of instructions from a supportive person
• Sharing your opinion in a casual online forum
• Saying no to a favor from a friend if you're too busy
• Pointing out a minor grievance politely

Check small successes off your list to motivate taking bigger risks in time.

Rehearse Scenarios in Advance

The unknown breeds anxiety. Thoroughly plan assertive responses to probable scenarios ahead of time.

• Script out what you want to express and practice aloud.
• Anticipate possible reactions or curveballs and decide your response.
• Record yourself and refine until it feels natural.
• Visualize handling challenging moments smoothly.

Meticulous preparation and rehearsal eases nerves and boosts confidence.

Lean Into Discomfort Strategically

Accept that assertiveness will feel uncomfortable at first. Lean into small doses of anxiety intentionally to build tolerance like:

• Making slightly bolder requests or refusals each week
• Sharing one new viewpoint or perspective weekly
• Regularly asking someone clarifying questions
• Practicing eye contact and open body language when anxious
• Role playing feared scenarios with a friend

Desensitize yourself to discomfort gradually. It gets easier.

Structure Unpredictable Situations

Create more certainty around unpredictable interactions making you anxious.

Strategies include:

• Asking to receive meeting agendas and prep materials in advance
• Arriving early to set up seats on the less anxiety-provoking side of a room
• Having scripts handy to guide high stakes conversations
• Scheduling timed breaks to re-center yourself when overwhelmed
• Focusing on deep breathing when you feel anxiety spike

Insert structure and breathing room to limit uncertainty.

Reframe Perfectionistic Thoughts

Anxious people often obsess over doing things perfectly. Curb this by reframing:

• "Mistakes mean I'm learning."
• "Progress requires messiness."
• "What's the minimal viable step I can take?"
• "My worth isn't defined by outcomes."
• "I want to avoid regrets more than mistakes."

Strive for growth over perfection so fear doesn't paralyze you.

Create a Calming Environment

Surround yourself with relaxing sensory elements to lower anxiety.

Ideas:

• Play calming music or nature sounds
• Display artwork or photos eliciting happy memories
• Keep cozy blankets available to bundle up in
• Infuse relaxing essential oil scents
• Limit clutter and stimulus to create peaceful spaces

Let your environment help counterbalance inner frenzy.

Reframe Nervousness as Excitement

Reframe anxiety as energizing, not debilitating. Nervousness often manifests physically identically to excitement.

When you feel anxious:

• Recognize it as arousal pumping you up, not weakening you.
• Mentally relabel it "excitement" and channel it into passion.
• Use the adrenaline spike to fuel determined focus.
• Take deep power breaths rather than panicked shallow ones.

Harness the rush to embolden instead of inhibit you.

Celebrate Small Courageous Steps

Praise yourself for any act of assertiveness, no matter how minor it may seem objectively. Anxiety makes each one feel like a huge accomplishment.

• Note it in a victory journal to review and motivate you during setbacks.
• Tell a supportive friend who will cheer you on.
• Give yourself a small reward like watching your favorite show after.
• Savor the progress and remember each win builds your confidence.

With compassionate patience for the process, you can develop assertiveness skills despite anxiety and gain control over fear rather than allowing fear to control you.

If you feel a panic attack coming on...

• Name it - "I'm having a panic attack but this too shall pass." Calling it out can help diffuse it.
• Focus on slow, deep belly breathing rather than short, shallow chest breathing during panic attacks.
• Splash cool water on your face or hold an ice cube. The temperature shock can help snap you out of mounting anxiety.
• Visualize your happy place - a peaceful scene that brings joy and calm.
• Play calming music and engage your senses - the smells, sounds, textures around you.

Grounding yourself in the present helps prevent anxiety spiraling.

When asserting yourself, speak slowly

Fast talking often signals nervousness while slow, purposeful speech conveys confidence.

Concentrate on slowing your rate of speech. Pause between sentences to breathe.

This calms you while also commanding greater presence.

Channel nervous energy productively

Rather than waiting anxiously before a stressful situation, purposely channel that energy:

• Clean or organize your space
• Go for a jog or do push ups to release adrenaline
• Immerse yourself in a distracting activity like a puzzle
• Practice your assertive talking points aloud

Expending nervous energy in constructive ways helps take the edge off anxiety.

Approach new people at social events

Rather than waiting anxiously for people to approach you, take small risks like:

• Smiling warmly as you pass people and saying hello
• Giving a sincere compliment on something you admire about someone
• Introducing yourself briefly to start safe small talk

Approaching others first eases social anxiety over time.

Remember: most people are anxious too

Social anxiety makes us feel like the only awkward person in the room. But the reality is most people feel insecurity and are too focused on themselves to closely judge you.

Knowing that everyone feels nervous and insecure paradoxically calms your own social anxiety. We're all in this together.

With compassionate patience in the process, assertiveness can absolutely be learned, even if anxiety creates bumps along the way. Keep celebrating small wins!

Set a time limit for worrying

It's easy for anxious minds to endlessly obsess over possible worst case scenarios. Ease this by setting a timer for a short time limit for worrying - say 5-10 minutes. When it goes off, consciously shift your focus onto something constructive.

Ask loved ones for encouragement

Let close friends/family know you're working on being more assertive and will likely need extra encouragement. Ask them to remind you of your capabilities and progress when you struggle with self-doubt.

Avoid reassurance seeking from critical people

The validation of those who undermine your confidence brings temporary relief but long term self-doubt. Instead, seek reassurance only from safe supporters.

After anxiety-provoking interactions...

• Make note of what went well, not just what didn't. Find the learning.
• Jot down what new fears you confronted and how you stayed resilient.
• Text a friend something you feel proud of, however small.
• Write a list of your strengths and past successes.
• Remind yourself that courage requires facing fear.

Reflect on wins, not just shortcomings. Be your own cheerleader.

Before anxiety-provoking events...

• Do light exercise to discharge nervous energy.
• Listen to motivational music with empowering lyrics.
• Review your skills and qualifications relevant to the situation.
• Visualize handling it successfully. Picture yourself feeling proud after.
• Affirm that you've grown beyond old limits.

Priming your mindset for success gives confidence a head start over anxiety.

Have compassion for yourself and celebrate every act of courage, no matter how small it may seem. With time and commitment, assertive habits will grow stronger than anxious tendencies. You've got this!

Book available on all international Amazon websites - https://bit.ly/44T3iKn

For India - https://store.pothi.com/book/gaurav-garg-no-more-mr-nice-guy/