Assertive Language 101

Assertive communication means the ability to communicate your needs and wants in a firm, confident, and clear manner without sounding passive or aggressive. To communicate assertively, both your verbal and nonverbal cues come into play.

?For example, you might try to communicate assertively but your body language or facial expression might come off as passive or aggressive, which is not ideal for effective assertive communication. While the choice of words matters when using assertive language, body language, gestures and tone of voice are just as important.

?Verbal Communication

?To understand assertive language, it is important to first understand different communication styles:

Passive: Use of conditional language. For example, could, just, might, would.

Aggressive: Gives a command and “tells” instead of asking.

Passive-Aggressive:?Implies a double-meaning message and implies a feeling along with the message.

Assertive: A polite request or statement that is clear, concise, and direct.

Understanding and using assertive language can greatly help your interpersonal skills and your ability to communicate effectively as it can help you get what you want without getting an unnecessary reaction out of someone or offending someone. An assertive statement includes the following:

1) What you want and/or how you feel

2) What happened to cause the feeling

3) The reasons why these matter in the situation/relationship.

Example:

“I want you to share the equal duty of loading the dishwasher/putting your own dishes in the dishwasher because I have been doing it all along and now with the baby, I’m beginning to feel overworked. I don’t want any resentment in our marriage”.

Initially, by stating what you want may feel difficult due to the fear of offending the other person or sounding aggressive, but there are differences between assertive and aggressive communication.

While assertiveness makes space to share both parties' views, aggressiveness only forces a one-sided view as the dominant one. In assertive communication, you are open to compromise, but in aggressiveness, one side always loses. Assertiveness allows the share of equal power and responsibility of communicating but aggressive language and communication is often a form of bullying and abuse of power.

Here is an example of a statement that one might see as assertive, but is actually aggressive:

?“I hate that you’re always running late.”??

Or

“You are always late.”

By using ‘you’ statements and words like always/never, you generalize and use aggressive language unknowingly.

To use assertive language effectively, it is important to use ‘I’ statements and avoid using ‘you’ statements which puts the blame on the other party. It is important to make use of assertive language in an effective manner by combining the person and action into a sentence:

Person + Action: “When you are late to pick me up.”

You can also make use of descriptive feelings paired with ‘I’ statements to emote how you feel after a certain situation by using words like angry, hurt, annoyed, glad, happy, or whatever fits the particular situation:

“I felt annoyed.”

Lastly, you can end the assertive sentence by stating the reason why whatever you are communicating matters. For example: ?

“Because the message I got from it is that you’d rather do something else than be here on time for me.”

Non-Verbal Communication

?Assertive communication does not just end with the choice of words and sentence formation. It is also highly dependent on our body language, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and even the speed of holding the conversation. For example, when using assertive language, you may want to stand tall and lean in a little as opposed to slouching, slumping, and rounding your shoulders which might make people perceive you as under confident or passive.

Using assertive communication and language takes practice, technique, active listening, and emotional intelligence. It is the key to effective interpersonal communication and even setting healthy boundaries and communicating your needs. It is important to communicate using the 3 C’s of assertive communication, i.e. your language should be clear, confident, and controlled so that your message can be heard and understood with clarity along with getting your needs and wants communicated effectively.?

Sherisse Forrest is a dynamic corporate trainer and leadership coach for ambitious professionals. For inquiries on coaching and building your leadership skills such as assertiveness and communication skills contact Sherisse here.