Assertive Communication
Sanjay Goel
Soft Skills, Behavioural and Leadership trainer, Outbound training, DiSC trainer, Coach, Author, NLP and Hypnosis Practitioner, Customised Content Design and Delivery, Learning Consultancy
In our previous article, we discussed four types of mindsets, communication styles and behaviours, and we discussed in detail passive-aggressive behaviour. We saw the impact of passive aggressive behaviour.
I got question on my chat and I need to clarify that no one is completely passive, aggressive, assertive or passive aggressive. Everyone is a combination of all. However, we all have some dominant style. We can be more passive most of the time, or passive aggressive or aggressive or assertive. That forms a part of our personality. Personality is a learnt behaviour hence we can modify our personality. We can understand our personality type using self-assessment we use during the workshops. When we are self-aware of our strengths and areas of improvement, we will be able to develop ourselves better. Also, no behaviour is better than the other. All are equally important
We use these different behaviours in different situations. For example, when relationship is more important or involves loved ones then we need to be passive. You will most of the time passively agree with your spouse.
When you know you are right or when your values and respect is at stake, aggressive behaviour would be appropriate.
Say you are travelling and you run into argument with a guy who is physically much stronger. You may temporarily back out till you are in a position to fight it out. This is passive aggressive behaviour.
When the stakes are larger and extremely important, when forming long term relationships is of prime importance, you would be assertive and try to collaborate.
Assertiveness means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct, while respecting and considering others’ point of view.
Assertive behaviour is high on courage. Person is ready to speak his thoughts even if it means he is speaking against the majority. He does not fear. But he will speak respecting other’s point of view. He has high consideration for others. He is ready to listen to others point of view. He would treat everyone with dignity and respect.
Aggressive behaviour in any relationship will not last long. Passive and passive aggressive behaviour will never result in long term relationships. It is only assertive behaviour that leads to collaboration, team work and productive long-term relationships. ??
We took a very common example, in a board meeting, discussions are going around building strategies to deal with new challenges. An idea is suggested by one of the members and is appreciated by most of the members present. One Mr. X does not like the idea and feels it will fail. If Mr. X is assertive, he would first appreciate his colleague for sharing his ideas and also emphasize on positives of the idea (that is why everyone liked it). It would continue saying that he is anticipating some challenges and problems that this idea would run through when implemented. He would share his point of view respecting his audience and his colleagues. Finally, he would close with a word of thanks and leave the participants to decide the best course of action. We call it as sandwich method.
领英推荐
Sandwich method is widely and effectively used while giving feedback. Nobody likes to be criticized or no one likes complains. So how do you give feedback? Share the positive and then tell him the area of improvement and close it with positive.
For example, a production guy had a target of 1000 pcs but he is able to produce only 990. If you tell him directly that he is short of target, it will be demotivation because you haven’t considered the efforts, he put in to reach 990. If you congratulate him for 990 and don’t mention about the shortfall, you are actually encouraging less than the target performance.
You can use sandwich method. This is what you can say, ‘Congratulations! You have produced 990 units. I appreciate your effort. However, this is 10 less than the target. I am sure with the efforts you are putting in; you will be able to cover it up. Well done! Sandwich method is simple yet very powerful way of communicating and influencing.
You can also use SBIR method to give feedback. SBI stands for Situation, Behaviour, Impact and right behaviour expected. When you appreciate someone, or reprimand someone it is important that he clearly understands the reason behind it.
For example, managers feedback to his subordinate ‘Last week in a meeting you were rude. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you more respectful? The person who received this feedback doesn’t know which meeting his manager is talking about. When was he rude? How did his rude behaviour impact him? There is no clarity on situation, behaviour, impact and right behaviour in this situation.
Using SBIR, manager gives feedback to his team member ‘Monday morning 11AM meeting, you spoke loudly interrupting while presenter was speaking. I felt embarrassed’. You could have taken permission from the speaker before interrupting or waited for the speaker to finish. Team member knows the situation, what he did wrong and how it impacted his manager. He is now unlikely to speak in between without taking permission.
Assertive communication needs open mind. It requires listening and patience to arrive at the solution better for all. Employees at all levels should learn assertiveness for higher collaboration and team morals, stronger relationships, resulting in higher synergy and improved results.
Assertiveness is one of the necessary skills for leaders and managers across levels and industries.
To summarize, assertive mindset, communication and behaviour is the key for long-term effective relationship so it works the best most of the time in the organizations.