Assertive Communication in Montessori Leadership

When we communicate with others our actions literally speak louder than our words. The evolutionary biology of humans suggests that the subtle nonverbal cues we are sending matter more than what we are saying. We may intend a particular message through the verbal channel that aims to inform our listener what we are speaking about and this happens through speech, writing, or by sign language on a daily basis. Assertiveness skills often focus on how to word messages to produce a more assured outcome, yet, much more often how we speak our message is more important than what we say.? Given that so much of our communication is in writing (email and text messages) it is imperative that we actively decide what communication channel is best for what aims. Courageous Montessori leaders seek to be discerning and develop this skill well.

1st Principle: Anything with potential to evoke more emotion than logic and reason is best done in dialogue, not the monologue equivalent of text or email.

Fact: When your verbal and nonverbal (metamessages) misalign, your audience will correctly believe your nonverbal message and cues. Aim to be impeccable with your thoughts as well as your words. Often we think about what we want to say; we choose our words, we may even write out what we wish to express, but we don’t often check our attitude, taking necessary time to consciously move into the most generous and favorable way to look at a situation before we communicate.?

When we say, “Thanks a lot,” but speak with a listless voice, looking distracted and placing emphasis on the word ‘lot’ we communicate something other than sincere thanks.? When we say, “I know you can do it,” with a forced smile and tentative speech, we’re actually saying the opposite.? Taking time to get our attitudes right is as important as the words we speak. And remember, we often feel at liberty to fully express irritation and victimhood in a written communication because it feels safer to be expressed when we don’t have to take responsibility for that lower frequency emotion by spewing it into the ethernet. This is neither mature nor responsible (though admittedly a daily temptation in our current culture).

2nd Principle: An assertive nonverbal style communicates respect for self and others and signals that your expressed point of view ought to be heard.

• Passive--places the other in charge and that your views are likely to go unheard.
• Aggressive--lacks respect for the other person and what they have to contribute.
• Passive aggressive--hides secret aggressive motives though appears passive.

A Word about Routine Messages and Email

Emails or text-type messages are effective when they are brief, concise, and personal. The aim is to convey an idea so clearly that no further explanation is necessary. Conversation and professional, the focus ought to be on one single topic. Quick summaries and headings are helpful--wink, wink, nudge, nudge. An efficient message works well with this 3-part pattern:

1. Statement that announces purpose
2. Details that explain the purpose
3. A request for action and/or a courteous conclusion

A few other guidelines to underscore:

• Your email is never private.
• Care to ensure there are standards of correct grammar (also a meta message)
• Be mindful of using email in place of avoiding personal contact
• It is good practice to respond to personal emails with: “Thanks for your email, I’ll get back to you soon,” then employ a standard of responding within a certain time-frame.

Assertive communication is an advantage that makes a leader both more effective and more courageous. To lead in a Montessori setting it is not acceptable to be a “controller type” who seeks as a default to control the behavior of others; you must be facilitative and servant-leadership oriented. What does that mean? It is at its heart, collaborative, recognizing that a courageous Montessori leader works primarily through and with other people, eschewing lone-wolf syndrome,? while developing highly conscious communication skills.

The entirety of what you accomplish in leadership may in fact rest on your ability to articulate vision, develop a shared vision, express the fundamental beliefs of the Montessori way, and demonstrate that each member of the community has inherent value and dignity.?