Assertive, Not Aggressive: Women Leaders’ Path to Authentic Communication

In my mid-20s, armed with a degree and boundless ambition, I began my career at a promising company. Excited to contribute, I voiced my ideas confidently in meetings, challenged outdated practices, and championed projects I believed in.

One day, a manager pulled me aside and said, “You might want to adjust your tone—it’s coming across as a bit strong.”

I was taken aback. Wasn’t this what I had been taught? To stand up, speak with confidence, and advocate for what I believed in? It felt confusing to reconcile the encouragement to be assertive with the feedback I was receiving.

This isn’t just my story. It’s a reality that many women face in workplaces around the globe.

The Thin Line Between Assertiveness and Aggression

Research highlights that communication styles can be subject to differing interpretations. A 2023 study by LeanIn.org revealed that nearly half of women leaders reported being labeled as “intimidating” or “bossy” when expressing strong opinions. Meanwhile, only 23% of male leaders reported similar experiences.

Why does this happen? It’s partly due to societal norms.?

Traditional expectations often leaned toward encouraging women to adopt nurturing, agreeable roles. When women express themselves in ways outside these expectations, it can occasionally clash with these ingrained stereotypes.

This isn’t about pointing fingers but about recognizing the dynamics at play. These perceptions can have tangible impacts, influencing career growth, visibility, and opportunities. A report from McKinsey & Company shows that 21% of women believe that their gender played a role in them missing out on a promotion, a raise, or an opportunity to move ahead, compared to 6% of men.??

This reflects the broader issue of gender bias, which can affect women’s visibility, opportunities for advancement, and overall professional success.

A Balancing Act

Navigating these perceptions feels like walking a tightrope. Be too assertive, and you’re risking being labeled aggressive. Be too agreeable, and you’re often overlooked. So, how do we address this?

Here are strategies I’ve adopted—rooted in personal experience and backed by fresh insights-

1. Reclaiming Assertiveness: The Power of Reframing

I’ve learned to frame my communication with intentional language. Instead of saying, “I need this done now,” I say, “To stay on track, we’ll need this completed by [date].” The tone is firm but collaborative.

According to DDI, empathy is the number one leadership skill and leaders who master empathy perform over 40% better in engaging others, decision-making, and coaching. This combination of assertiveness, empathy, and emotional intelligence not only boosts team morale but also enhances collaboration and productivity.

2. Understanding Nonverbal Communication

According to Albert Mehrabian’s very popular research, 55% of the communication is nonverbal, 38% is vocal, and only 7% words. Women can unintentionally reinforce misjudgments by their body language. I started paying attention to my posture, eye contact, and gestures, ensuring they aligned with the confidence I wanted to project.

A small but impactful change I made was to stop nodding excessively during conversations—a habit many women develop to show understanding but which can sometimes be misinterpreted as agreement or subservience.

3. Calling Out Bias – Tactfully

Interruptions can happen to anyone. In one meeting, when I was repeatedly interrupted, I calmly said, “Let me finish this thought, and then I’d love to hear your input—thank you!” This approach set boundaries while keeping the conversation constructive.

Over time, these small, assertive actions can foster a more respectful and collaborative work environment.

4. Using Data as a Shield

When facing resistance, I lean on facts. For example, instead of saying, “I think we need to pivot,” I say, “Based on the latest market data, a pivot could improve our ROI by 15%.” Numbers are hard to argue with and shift the focus from emotions to evidence.

This approach not only strengthens your argument but also positions you as a solutions-oriented thinker. Over time, it builds credibility and helps others view your communication as grounded and objective.

5. Leveraging Allyship

Another effective strategy is building alliances. A male colleague once spoke up in support of my idea when it was initially dismissed. This kind of allyship not only reinforced the validity of my point but also subtly addressed biases in the room.

According to a 2022 study by Catalyst, 61% of employees who feel supported by their peers are up to 3 times more likely to engage actively in allyship initiatives.

Shifting the Narrative

While these strategies have helped me, the broader challenge lies in reshaping societal perceptions.

Here’s what organizations and individuals can do to support women’s voices-

• Educate and Train- Companies should provide unconscious bias training and actively address stereotypes in performance reviews.
• Amplify Women’s Voices- When women’s ideas are dismissed, allies can reiterate and credit their points.
• Redefine Leadership Norms- Effective leaders don’t fit a single mold. Diverse communication styles should be celebrated, not penalized.

Ending the Double Standard

The journey to reclaiming our voices is ongoing. But each time we challenge the status quo, call out bias or celebrate assertive communication, we take a step closer to equality.

For me, it’s no longer about choosing between being assertive or likeable. It’s about showing up authentically and unapologetically. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll build a future where women’s voices are judged not by how they sound, but by the strength of the ideas behind them.

What’s your experience with navigating communication styles? Let’s continue this conversation. Share your story—I’d love to hear it.