Asking for what you need

Asking for what you need, whether that’s some space at home to do something for yourself or help from a colleague with a piece of work, sounds so simple and yet for many of my clients it feels like a mammoth challenge.

Why is that the case?  Well, many of us have what I call the ‘habit of service’.  We’ve grown up on the idea that we should always help others but also that it’s rude to ask.  If you’ve ever sat round a family dinner table and seen the last roast potato or the last slice of cake get passed round with everyone offering it to everyone else but saying ‘oh no, I couldn’t possibly’, that’s what I’m talking about!  

Many of us have this belief that we have to help others, and our unconscious mind often further believes that if we don’t help that means we are bad, or unkind or not good enough in some way.  As with many of our unconscious beliefs, when we look at it in the cold light of day we can see it’s not the truth but in the moment when we’re unconsciously making a decision that part of our mind takes over and applies the belief without us ever realising.  And in a similar vein, we believe that we are not good enough to need to ask for help with work or that we are not deserving of saying yes to the last piece of cake, it’s not true but there the beliefs are, affecting our decisions.

So how do we start unpicking this and start asking for what we need?

Get aware of what’s stopping us

I talked last week about getting aware of how our unconscious values are affecting our decisions.  We can also dig into what these beliefs are that are stopping us from asking for help.  One option to do this is to journal on it.  You can start by asking yourself ‘what would happen if I asked for ….’ and just write down whatever pops into your head as fast as you can.  Writing fast helps you to do this as a stream of consciousness, effectively translating straight onto the page from your unconscious.  You might find yourself writing ‘well, of course they’d say no’ at which point you ask yourself ‘why would they say no?’ and write down that answer.  Keep going, questioning yourself at each stage until you come to a simple belief about yourself or the world.  This might be I’m not deserving, or I’m not good enough, or I’m not worthy or something different entirely.  If that feels difficult, it can be easier to have these discussions with a coach who can guide you through this process with gentle questioning to get you to what you need and then help you to release that belief so it doesn’t affect you in future.

Start small

If you’re not used to asking for what you need then it can feel daunting.  So start small.  You’re trying to build a habit or flex a new muscle so see it in the same way.  If you decided to start a running habit when you’d not run in years you wouldn’t jump straight into a marathon, you’d start with a brisk walk or a gentle jog!  It’s the same here.  Don’t go asking for something huge.  Pick something small that would feel like a great win and give you something really juicy.  Maybe asking for your other half to look after the kids to go join an amazing 2 hour evening workshop called the Soulfire Conversation…. (#justsaying)

Plan the conversation

Having a really clear view on how you want to ask is really helpful.  The conversation structure below is one of the One of Many tools that I use in my coaching and it’s incredibly powerful!

1. Make an appointment - don’t start the conversation straight off if the other person is in the middle of something.  Find a time that works so that you can have their full attention
2. Explain how you feel and what it is you need
3. Explain what YOU will get out of it
4. Explain what THEY will get out of it
5. Ask them ‘Is there anything you need to give me what I need?’
6. Collaborate on a way forward

Now that may sound a bit complicated, but to give an example this could look as simple as:

“I’ve been finding things really stressful lately and I really would like to be able to have an evening to myself to join this amazing workshop I’ve seen.  So I’d really like you to deal with the kids that evening to give me that space.  I can see that I’m going to end up feeling so much more relaxed and happy if I can do this and, hey, you get a happier wife in the deal too!  Is there anything you need to give me what I need?”

Steps 5 and 6 are really important.  These are what removes the risk of feeling demanding and instead opens up an invitation for them to share what they need to or for them to come up with alternative solutions.  And do be open to alternative outcomes, often people will surprise us by offering us something even better than we were expecting in the first place!

So I invite you to give it a try.  Think of something that would really help you at the moment.  Whether that’s an evening of free time, the space to start doing a regular class, support with a project or something else.  Pick something and try this out.  And let me know how it goes!

And if you would like to ask for that evening to join the Soulfire Conversation, it’s on Tuesday 27th October at 7pm running for two hours.  We’ll be exploring and discussing what joy feels like to us, what’s getting in the way of experiencing it and how to start finding more of it in every day.  Who doesn’t need more joy in their lives?!  You can book tickets using the link below:

bit.ly/34uc8k5