Asking questions the ‘Right Way’ – 6 Points to Ponder

Just a couple of days ago, an interaction with a friend highlighted how the answer changed based on the way a question was asked. Same question, but the way it was asked made all the difference.

In our corporate lives too, we have to ask lot of questions – to colleagues, bosses, juniors or clients. Here are some points to keep in mind while framing your question:

(Disclaimer - These don’t relate to subject matter)

1. Start with a Conversation Mind Map – Think of how you expect the discussion to progress after the initial question, and prepare some subsequent high-level questions before you ask the first one. Think of the 2 or 3 possible directions where the discussion may go and how you’d tweak your question for each of those.
2. Short-answer First Question – The first question should have a Yes/No or a definitive answer. Comparatively an easier one to respond to before you ask a subsequent question that goes deeper into the subject matter.
3. Focus on Problem, not the Individual – Instead of asking “Why did you put this slide in the deck?”, ask “Wondering how this slide is improving the deck?”. Focusing on the problem will ensure that you don’t come across rude or not putting the other person in a spot, as that’s not what you want. It shows your collaborative mindset which goes a long way in building a good rapport with colleagues. Also, by focusing on the problem, you ensure that the other person doesn’t go into a defensive mindset.
4. Situational Awareness – Although it has different connotations in corporate parlance, in this example, it’s about being aware of aspects like – where you are, where the other person may be (if you’re on a call), is it a one-on-one discussion or there are multiple folks involved. If multiple, should that point be discussed among everyone? Is there something confidential that’s best discussed separately? Will your question unintentionally criticize anyone? Such awareness will help you ensure that you ask the right questions the right way, more often than not.
5. Show Some Empathy – Assuming you’re managing content team and someone hasn’t been able to complete a piece of content even though the deadline is closing in. Instead of asking them why they didn’t deliver the content, ask them if they are facing any difficulties in conceptualizing, structuring or writing the content. That way you’re positioning yourself as a mentor and not as someone who just wants to get the job done. Shows them that you are willing to work with them to address the issue, and help them improve as professionals.
6. Know Your Position – The way you ask a question will also depend upon your position in the overall hierarchy of individuals involved. A higher position may give you the freedom to be authoritative or aggressive, but if you’re at a lower level, you may have to frame your question such that it doesn’t offend anyone involved. Ideally, irrespective of your level in the hierarchy, none of your questions should offend anyone, EVER! Not that all seniors get annoyed by a junior asking questions, but you must have the awareness to avoid any unintentional friction.? ?

Now that we are done with the key messages, let me share the trigger.

Here’s the interaction I mentioned in the beginning, that prompted my thoughts about this article. Have broken it down into a situation and a couple of calls.

Situation: Was on a call with Ajay*, an old friend of mine. He said, one of his friends, Mani*, was on ventilator since last 12 hours. Ajay was in hospital for most of the last 48 hours to support Mani’s family.

Now, me and Ajay’s family wanted to know why he was there so long, which is the underlying question. Check out the following interactions and observe how the way the question was asked changed everything.

Call 1:

Me: Oh, that’s sad! So, who else is in his family?

Ajay: Mani’s wife, a son and a daughter - both in early teens.

Me: What about his parents?

Ajay: Both passed away; has an elder brother in another country who has already booked his flight and should reach in 24 hrs. Till then, it’s just me and another friend supporting Mani’s family.

Me: Oh ok…. Great that Mani has friends like you. But while you support them, please take care of yourself too. (…. and I hung up!)

After this, I called Ajay’s brother to check if Ajay was showing any signs of stress. Also told him about my discussion with Ajay, on which he said he didn’t know much about the situation at the hospital. He only mentioned about the following quick interaction.

Call 2:

Ajay’s brother (on phone): Ajay, why are you in the hospital for so long? Let Mani’s family members handle things. You can’t be there for them always, so just leave asap.

Ajay (irritated): Yeah, ok (....and hung up!)

After hearing about my call with Ajay, his brother realized that he could’ve shown some empathy rather than forcing his authority on Ajay.?

During the call, I tried to understand his reasoning behind staying there, whereas, his brother just wanted him out – the way he communicated didn’t go well with Ajay.

We ask questions to take things forward, not to stress people or create friction.

So next time when you ask a question, try the above and feel free to share your observations.

What else should one keep in mind while asking questions?

* Names are fictional.