Asking Questions & Building Trust

Active listening doesn’t come easy for me—it’s something I’ve learned to be very mindful of when it comes to asking questions instead of speaking.

As I’ve reflected on this topic and tried to figure out my subconscious habits that may lead to this, I’ve navigated my way back to the topic of trust.

Cultivating trust is integral to developing genuine relationships and is the foundation that enables the connections we need to thrive—it requires us to demonstrate a combination of character and competence.

Competence without character neglects integrity; it is the first thing people will assess in their first impression of us to determine whether we are trustworthy.

Character without competence neglects results; it signals to people whether we’re reliable, accountable, and someone they’d want to interact with.

It’s both-and. We must find a harmony between the characteristics we display (how we show up) and what we’re capable of (what we can produce).

Trust is the precursor to producing collective leadership, business, and team-building results. Without it, cohesion among a team striving to achieve a common goal or objective is unattainable.

This is where things can go awry and create habits rooted in self-imposed limiting beliefs or narratives that aren’t useful.

A common misconception in professional and leadership contexts is that speaking more or delivering information demonstrates competence more effectively than asking questions.

However, a fundamental human need is a sense of belonging and connection. A significant part of this is feeling like our voices are heard in the circles we’re a part of, so trust and curiosity about others’ perspectives go hand in hand.

Misconceptions About Speaking vs. Asking

A perception, especially early in someone’s career, is that leadership is about authority, assertion, and having all the answers. It tends to be counterintuitive and the easiest way to degrade trust:

• Speaking as Authority—In some environments, there’s a perception that those who speak often in discussions are the most knowledgeable or competent. This creates a culture where people feel compelled to speak to prove their worth rather than contribute meaningfully. Leadership isn’t about authority; it’s about empowerment. Being the loudest in the room doesn’t accomplish that, and it doesn’t create more leaders.
• Questions as a sign of weakness—Asking questions is often mistakenly perceived as an admission of ignorance or lack of preparation. There’s a fear that by asking questions, one might expose their lack of knowledge, undermining their perceived competence. However, there’s a clear distinction between asking curious questions and lacking preparedness or competence. Well-intentioned questions are a strength, not a weakness.
• Competence as having all of the answers—Especially for new leaders, there’s a common misconception that they must have all the answers to every question or risk “sounding dumb.” This prevents people from asking questions for clarification or a deeper understanding, which might contradict their expertise. Yet, if someone needs clarity, the odds are that someone else in the room needs it also. The more powerful position is to admit and accept that we don’t have all the answers combined with a figure-it-out mindset.

The Reality and Value of Inquisitive Leadership

In reality, consistently speaking as a leader is counterproductive. Our role is to empower a team with the responsibility to align on, commit to, and achieve a common objective while providing guidance and feedback. Speaking non-stop doesn’t get us there, but questions can.

Most importantly, we must lead by example to show people it is safe and expected to ask questions.

• Uncovering information—Asking well-directed questions uncovers information that isn’t immediately obvious, providing deeper insight into challenges and opportunities. The best information comes from those closest to the action, and we often must peel back the layers to reveal collective knowledge that will lead to more informed decisions.
• Engaging others—Asking questions engages others in the conversation and decision-making process, making them feel heard and valued. But this isn’t just about connection; it’s also about development. People won’t learn to approach new situations or take on added responsibility without encouraging them to think more deeply. Empowering the team is impossible without stepping aside and allowing them to problem-solve and figure it out.
• Building relationships—A well-crafted series of questions demonstrates a genuine interest in other people’s thoughts and experiences, which is where cultivating trust comes into play. Without trust and strong relationships, a team will never discuss challenging topics, hold each other accountable, commit to a shared vision, or produce results.
• Curiosity and learning—Great leaders never consider themselves experts or believe that they have nothing else to learn. If we surround ourselves with a characteristically and competently strong team, asking questions infuses an opportunity for everyone to learn and grow. This is true for the collective as much as it is for the individual, and we can create a learning culture simply by being curious ourselves.

A Simple Question Framework

So, how can we build a habit of asking questions instead of immediately jumping in and speaking? How can we create trust by making people feel heard? What I’ve found helpful is finding a practical approach to remind myself to ask first and speak second.

This framework works in almost any scenario: with our teams, with our partners/spouses, with our kids, with a friend, or with someone we’ve just met:

• Ask a question—Ask a leading question to start the conversation. Keep the mantra in your head: “Ask first, speak second.” Usually, "what" or "how" questions are more effective and engaging to position the discussion for follow-ups. If in a group setting, don’t immediately jump to step two—sit back and let others engage while formulating follow-ups that would produce more information.
• Ask two follow-up questions to build a deeper understanding—Ask at least two more follow-up questions, each delving deeper into the details of the topic. The most essential factor here is listening and processing what they’re saying. We’re not asking to respond but to comprehend and understand.
• Repeat what you heard to ensure comprehension—this is crucial to making people feel heard. When we repeat what we heard in our own words, we acknowledge that we were listening and understood what the person said. The cues someone will provide if we’re not quite hitting the mark are often obvious, so keep going until you get to a “that’s it.”

At this point, feel free to offer input. This is not to say leaders should never be a part of the discussion. When we ask first and speak second, we extract far more value and create opportunities for our teams (and ourselves) to learn.

As humans, we have innate needs that drive our actions and behaviors. One is a sense of belonging and connection, where trust is foundational.

This concept goes in both directions.

Once we set our egos aside and accept that speaking is not the key to demonstrating competence, we find that a sense of belonging also manifests when we become naturally curious about those in our group.

There’s a burning desire to feel heard and equally a desire to understand.

Curiosity and trust can grow together—ask first, speak second.

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