Asking for help and impact on our life

When Steve Jobs was in high school, he called Hewlett-Packard co-founder Bill Hewlett to ask for some leftover electronic parts, and to his surprise, Hewlett answered the phone. At first, the president was amused, but soon after, taking the young man more seriously, he offered Jobs an internship.

"He laughed and gave me spare parts to build a frequency counter, and that summer he also gave me a job at Hewlett-Packard working on the assembly line putting nuts and bolts together on frequency counters," Jobs recalled in a 1994 interview. before the Silicon Valley Historical Society. “He got me a job where they built it, and I was in heaven.”

Jobs was 12 years old at the time, living in Mountain View, California, and found Hewlett's number in the phone book.

“I always found something real, most people don't have that experience because they never ask,” Jobs said. "I've never met anyone who wouldn't help me if I asked for help."

Some time ago I was working on solving a problem. The days passed, the frustration grew and everything I had created so far was very inadequate. Finally, it occurred to me that maybe I would ask my co-workers if anyone had faced something similar. To my surprise, I got the answer to the problem I had been struggling with for several days surprisingly quickly.

That day I realized something else. Asking for help has never come easy for me, and I'm certainly not the only one. Why is it so difficult for us to have such an amazing and natural skill?

There are many reasons, but they can be divided into internal ones (self-limitations):

• we are ashamed to show our ignorance/incompetence for fear of being judged
• Asking for help is a sign of "weakness" and we don't want to show it
• We “impose ourselves” with our presence, etc.

or external (we are limited by the environment):

• We ask a person for help many times, but we never receive it
• the place we live in does not tolerate questions and stigmatizes ignorance

Why is this happening?

As is the case with our behaviors, they often come from our upbringing and the environment in which we grew up.

If we grew up in a home where our sense of value or security was not built, it would be much more difficult for us to break the barrier and "expose" our ignorance.

However, our upbringing is not only about home. The system we grew up in praised (applauds?) individualism. The school already instills this in us. Everyone is self-employed. Knowledge is verified by receiving a reward or punishment. An open discussion was rather rare. Same thing with group work. By showing ignorance, we could face ridicule and ridicule from both students and teachers.

This is not surprising since previous generations were not taught better either. From my mother's stories, I know a story about how at school the teacher would hit students' hands with a ruler for incorrect answers. And it's not like it was "that" particular teacher. It was common and accepted as the correct parenting method. In such an environment, no one will ask questions or investigate.

What are the benefits?

In a normal, healthy environment, asking for help has a number of benefits

• we can regain a lot of time and energy by using a solution that someone has already created
• we can learn a different perspective on a given matter and notice a completely different approach
• the problem may turn out to be common and it gives you a sense of peace "that it's not just me"
• we can meet a mentor, a teacher
• we can exchange experiences and expand our knowledge
• For the superior/boss, it may be a signal of what we are struggling with and what knowledge we lack. It may be that many people are reporting a similar problem. Training or other types of assistance can then be organized

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How to deal with the fear of being judged?

Below I present some information that may help you overcome your fear of asking for help. At the same time, let us remember that anxiety is a complex topic and may have various causes. If you feel that your anxiety is intense and makes everyday functioning very difficult, it is worth visiting a specialist such as a psychiatrist or a licensed psychotherapist. It is this asking for help that can have a fundamental impact on our lives.

What science tells us

The fundamental problem with asking for help is one of perspective. That is, what the person I am asking will think about me, but also what I will think about myself.

Xuan Zhao and Nicholas Epley took a close look at research on asking for help and also conducted their experiments. The conclusions clearly show that we usually evaluate the entire process of asking and receiving support poorly.

“Perhaps the easiest way to get help when you need it is to ask for it, but people may be reluctant to ask for it partly because they believe that others do not want to help and are therefore afraid of forcing "unwanted" help.

Yet helping others often makes those helping others feel relatively positive. A series of six experiments examining imagined, recalled, and personal requests for help showed that helpers underestimate how willing helpers will be to help, underestimate how positively helpers will feel about helping, and overestimate how awkward and annoyances in helpers.

These results suggest that people not only do not understand the likelihood that others will agree to a request, but that they more fundamentally do not understand the process of helping after making a request, which may create a miscalibrated barrier to asking for help more frequently in everyday life.”

“Humans are deeply social, with a strong drive to connect with others, and the neural reward system makes people feel happier and healthier after positive interactions.”

This means that, in addition to the fact that people can help us much more than we think, the very act of asking for help and helping has a significant impact on the overall happiness of society.

Scientific research shows that helping others can contribute to our happiness in a variety of ways. They include:

• Experiencing more positive emotions and life satisfaction
• Increasing our sense of purpose
• Strengthening our self-confidence
• It can also reduce stress and help us feel calmer. Some studies have shown that people who regularly volunteered were more optimistic, experienced fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety, and were even able to live longer
• Not all acts of helping increase our happiness - to reap the full benefits, it is important that we choose whether and how we want to help
• See or feel that it will have a positive impact
• And it helps us feel more connected to others

It is worth noting that we are talking about voluntary help and within the comfort of both parties. Complying with requests that we are uncomfortable with, that we are forced to do, has the opposite effect.

The other side of the coin

So far, we have focused on the positive aspects of helping. However, we also have negative elements of this phenomenon.

1. Some circles do not accept ignorance and may stigmatize it. If the place where you study/work does not have space to ask questions, there is a good chance that this place is harmful to you. I have had the opportunity to experience both types of environments and it is a night and day difference. You can be very unhappy being around people who cannot ask for help because they live in fear of the consequences. Or they don't want to help you because they live in fear of their job
2. Someone comes for help almost every day and often asks the same questions. In such circumstances, everyone's patience will run out sooner or later. Frequently asked questions, especially when we are in a new place, should be normal. This is the best way to implement ourselves. However, if we do not retain the knowledge we have gathered and keep asking the same questions, we may damage the trust of the person helping us.

Exercises on your own

A few exercises that can help you better understand the issue of asking for help.

Exercise one

When you feel uncomfortable asking questions. Recall what you thought and felt the last time someone came to you for help.

1. It's a nice feeling when someone notices you. He sees your knowledge, and skills and trusts you.
2. When you help, you feel good, you see how the other person becomes easier and there is something pleasant about it
3. If someone asks us for help in a field we are passionate about, we will be even more willing to talk about it

Exercise two

When fear arises, let it be. Don't fight or blame yourself for being there. It's a part of you and it's good to accept it. Then, when the anxiety situation has passed and you are comfortable. e.g. you come home, it's evening, and everything around is quiet. Then you can recall the difficult situation that day and try to understand it. You can start with your internal dialogue. Just lie down on the couch, away from the TV and phone, and just be with your thoughts for 5-10 minutes. It may be longer over time. Have an honest conversation with yourself. Ideas will come over time as you allow your mind to work in comfortable conditions.

I also highly recommend writing down your thoughts. You can keep a diary, but you can simply take a piece of paper or a notebook on your phone or PC and write down your difficulties from that day. Thoughts that are as if "outside" can be observed. They are easier to look at and understand. This is a completely different situation than when they are in their heads.

Summary

Asking for and giving help has several advantages. It allows us to overcome adversities, learn about other perspectives, and increase self-confidence and even happiness. Science does not doubt that far too often we refrain from asking questions for fear of negative evaluation. And we most often misjudge the situation.

At the same time, asking for help is what glues our society together. By asking for and giving help, we increase our overall well-being. If you stay in a place that supports dialogue, you will feel extraordinary comfort and harmonious development.

P.S.

Before writing this article, I didn't realize that asking for help is more important than we think. It goes beyond the actions of the individual. At the same time, I have the impression that the topic is very complex and this is only a point for deeper discussion.

That's why I'm very curious about your observations on this subject. Write in the comments what you think about this topic. How to deal with the fear of asking questions? What have you managed to fix recently with the help of another person?

Sources:

How to Get Better at Asking for Help at Work ( hbr.org ) ?

Why asking for help is hard, but people want to help more than we realize | Stanford News

https://psyarxiv.com/sgxay ?

https://www.cnbc.com/2018/07/25/how-steve-jobs-cold-called-his-way-to-an-internship-at-hewlett-packard.html ?

https://pieknoumyslu.com/dlaczego-niektorzy-maja-problem-z-proszeniem-o-pomoc/ ?

Joanna Flis, Co ze mn? nie tak?, Kraków 2023?

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