Asking awkward questions

Have you seen the “You Can’t Ask That” series on the ABC (that’s the Australian Broadcasting Corporation) where particular groups of people answer the questions others are usually too shy to ask? Those questions that kids might ask because they haven’t learn the social niceties of life? The questions that if you hear coming out of a drunk guy’s mouth at 1am on the train home, you know you’re in trouble? Yes, those questions.

Most adults have a filter. They know that there are certain questions you don’t ask of others. Things you don’t discuss. You don’t tend to ask straight people how they conceived their children, for example. Assumptions are made and life moves on. You don’t tend to ask cis-men what they’ve got down their pants. You don’t tend to ask white-anglo people where they’re from. No, where they’re really from.

I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve been asked, in some way or other, how I managed to have children. I know that some of the time, it’s been about curiosity, and I get curiosity, I’m a scientist at heart. But sometimes, often, that curiosity borders on the sort of freak show curiosity, the “bleaugh, that’s just weird” approach to life.

And there’s a very fine line between the two.

A conversation that starts out nicely, with seemingly well-intentioned, getting to know you type questions, goes downhill very rapidly. Now don’t get me wrong, I will happily share our conception story with people who might find it useful to talk through the medical and emotional things to consider, perhaps because they’re facing something similar themselves. But I’m not really up for feeding someone’s titillation needs.

“But how can you expect us to be more empathetic to your lived experience if you won’t let us ask questions?” I hear.

And I have two responses: do your own research first; and secondly, you’ve just made the perfect argument for more representation of diverse groups in the media.

Let’s explore each of those in more depth.

Do your own research - why? Well firstly my view is just that, mine. I do not speak on behalf of all queer white women currently living in Australia. I am a sample of one. I am not the offical spokesperson for all queer people - even my use of the word queer is not accepted by everyone in the LGBTIQ+ world. You need to go out there and read other people’s opinions. If you then want to have a good old chat about the opinions you’ve read, well then that might be interesting - I’d probably be up for that!

Secondly, it’s really tiring being a teacher. I know, most of my family have been actual real-life teachers. I explicitly chose not to be a teacher for a reason. Answering the same questions again and again is not fun. It’s hard work, especially as those questions are often emotionally charged. Ask me what the capital of Azerbaijan is and I’ll happily tell you again and again (it’s Baku), but ask me to share the deeply personal and painful journey I went through to have kids, nah, I’m not up for that.

Better representation of diverse groups in the media is critical. Most of us learnt about the straight world by watching TV, reading books, or watching the news. I still remember when I realised that I was watching an episode of Eastenders with a character who was black BUT THE STORYLINE WASN’T ABOUT THEM BEING BLACK! it was just about them being a person. It was incredible. I really felt it meant that the world was turning.

That was probably 30 years ago. The world wasn’t really turning, not a lot has changed for the better. Some would argue we’re in a worse place than ever. But that’s another blog post.

In summary (because this has been a long one):

1. Don’t ask personal questions of people you don’t know really well.
2. If you are curious, do some reading on the subject.
3. If you have unanswered questions, or thoughts you want to discuss, check in with the person you want to ask them of to see if they’re willing to be your sounding board.
4. If they say no, move on. Find someone else, find another source, don’t push it.
5. Remember, you don’t need to understand to