Ask and You Will Receive

Do you need something, but you don’t know how to get it without asking for assistance?

Do you worry that asking for support will only result in rejection, embarrassment, shame?

Or that you will appear incompetent if you need to ask for help?

So often, we resist asking because we perceive there to be social costs of seeking help. We imagine that we will be judged as pathetic, lazy, ineffective, or inept, whether it’s about a work issue, a social event, financial advice or support, or any number of other daily problems we may be facing.

Does this sound familiar?

As a business coach, I ask questions designed to help my clients get from where they are to where they want to go and it doesn't have to be ‘help’, it could be support, information or connection etc. You can change that word and use another that in your mind works better and go with whatever works for you.

There are several common beliefs and assumptions we need to overcome in order to ask for what we want.

1.    I don’t deserve it: You wouldn’t say this to someone else, so why think it of yourself?

2.    No-one would want to help me: What’s your evidence? Is this really true?

3.    It’s a sign of weakness: Where do you draw the line between seeking out those qualified to fix your car or your finances, and getting the support you need as a business owner, or in your personal life?

4.    I should be able to do it on my own: This belief will only maximise your suffering and hold you back – totally unnecessarily.

5.    I’ll become overly reliant on other people: It’s about finding a balance – if you can ask for and accept support in one area, and still maintain independence in other areas, you are in no danger of becoming ‘overly reliant’ on people.

6.    I’ll just be a burden on others, when they are already busy enough: Giving is good for us all, it makes us feel positively about ourselves, so you asking for help or support offers others an opportunity to feel good about themselves, and a sense of satisfaction, even pride, in being asked.

7.    The risk of rejection is unbearable: Ok, so they might say no, but they might say yes. How would you really feel about that ‘no’ in a week? A month? A year? Balance that with the pain of not asking and trying to struggle on alone for that length of time.

8.    I’ll just be indebted to others: Obligation shouldn’t play a role in any of this; however, any expectation of payback can be reduced if you can offer something in return.

In thinking this way, we also underestimate other people's willingness and ability to help.

Coping doesn’t mean that you have to do everything alone, and it’s unrealistic – and unhealthy – to think like this. By seeking support or assistance with something, you will have created new connections and improved your own and the other person’s lives.

Social connections keep us healthy in mind and body, and lead to better lives, relationships, greater success and personal satisfaction. Asking for support provides an opportunity to strengthen the connections we have, and to make new ones, creating a win-win situation for both people.

Mindset plays an important part in changing and moulding ourselves to be the best version of ourselves. So how do we go about changing our mindset?

The Evidence

In his book, Ask for What You Want, Wayne Baker says that we should stop being afraid to ask for what we need, and explains why people don't.

He reports that psychologists discovered that the chances of someone actually saying yes turns out to be much higher than we might think. In a study conducted at Columbia University in New York City, participants had to approach strangers on the street and simply ask to borrow their mobile phone to make a call, no explanations, no sob-stories, just a straight request.

When asked beforehand what they thought their chances of success would be, the participants predicted having to ask two or three times as many people than was actually the case before they got a positive result. On average, it only took two tries before a New Yorker lent them a phone.

And variations of the request – filling in a questionnaire or escorting the requester to a nearby building – gained similar results.

People are more willing to help than we might believe.

In another study, the psychologists wanted to know what would happen if the request was for money. A team of athletes was recruited to seek financial support to enable them to take part in a competition. Again, the response was significantly better than anticipated.

We routinely underestimate others' willingness and ability to help, but the truth is that people actually want to be useful to others. So we need to look for the evidence to support why we think a certain way, and when we don’t find it, revise our old perceptions of who we think will offer the support we need.

Here’s the thing. We intuitively know the conditions in which we would happily provide help if asked, yet we fail to create them to our own advantage when asking for ourselves.  

But how do we do that? How do we over-ride our fear of rejection?

The answer lies in how we ask.

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Asking Intelligently

When we are thoughtful and intelligent in how we ask, and create a sense of value for the one being asked – it doesn’t have to be financial either – people are far more likely to offer assistance if they are given an opportunity to feel good about themselves.

In Unlimited Power: The New Science of Personal Achievement, Tony Robbins discusses how asking intelligently and precisely gets the results you want. He sets out five conditions:

1. Be specific: be clear and precise; leave no room for misinterpretation.

The more precisely you can ask for what you want, the more somebody else can help you. Spend some time clarifying your thoughts by identifying what it is that you really need – write it out and get it into one sentence if possible. You may find that the problem isn’t as complex as you’d thought.

2. Ask the right person: asking someone whom you know has the capacity or skills that you need, is part of asking intelligently.

Whether you want support to identify your life’s purpose, or to get better sleep, be more mindful, have a business need, or need a mechanic, there is an expert who can help. And get the right help - people love to give their opinions, but if you need legal advice, you should ask a lawyer; if you need guidance with your finances, ask an accountant, not your mates at the pub. That said, it’s very likely that they will know someone – most assistance is only one or two degrees of separation away, so they are a good starting point for finding the right help.

3. Create value for the person you’re asking: If someone feels they are getting something in return, even just feeling good about themselves, they are more likely to say yes.

Creating a sense of value can be through tangible or intangible means. It can be a financial reward or just a feeling of personal satisfaction for having helped. People like reciprocal arrangements, and they are even more likely to say yes if they feel they are getting something back in return.

4. Ask with focused, congruent belief: You need to ask with 100% conviction about what you want or need, and why. If you are not sure about it, why would anyone else be?

Ask as if you know you’ll get a positive response, and you significantly increase your chances of not having to look too far.

5. Ask – in different ways – until you get what you want: If at first you don’t succeed, step back, reframe, and try a different approach.

Asking intelligently means being able to keep asking for what you want to achieve, but staying flexible about the way you do it. Perhaps the first person you ask isn’t the right person, or you asked in a way incongruent with their ability to respond. Know who you are asking as well as why you are asking.

Successful people keep asking, keep trying, keep changing - they know that sooner or later they will find someone able to meet their request.

Don’t take rejections personally

It’s well-known that writers have their work rejected more often than it is accepted. JK Rowling got off lightly when her first Harry Potter book was accepted on the thirteenth attempt; the first of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series was rejected 144 times.

Don’t take rejection personally; stay focused, know what you want, and keep trying. The hardest part of asking intelligently is being specific. It’s a skill you can practice and build to really improve how you ask. Practice with yourself to improve the clarity and conviction and congruence of your request.

And when you are successful and have your request met, would you feel bold enough to ask the same person again? Would you ever risk asking again those who declined your request?

Interestingly, researchers have found that people who denied your first request are more likely to respond to your second one, because they feel bad that they refused you the first time.

Researchers have also found that because we tend to feel uncomfortable making requests of anyone beyond our ‘inner circle’ of family and close friends, we underestimate the responsiveness of people we don't know as well. Yet these so-called ‘weak ties’ are the bridges between social circles, and thus really valuable as they are the means by which information and potential new answers to problems move between social circles.

In a similar way, we also underestimate the responsiveness of ‘dormant ties’ — old connections that we haven't maintained. 

According to organisational researchers, most people in your past would actually welcome hearing from you, and being asked to help. Time doesn't erase a shared history of understanding and trust. Again, these ‘dormant ties’ can become bridges to other social circles and additional resources.

Whoever you ask, be brave. Know exactly what you are looking for, whether it’s financial or emotional support, or something else, and be clear in how you ask for it.

One of my clients found me through a conversation with someone who had become a ‘dormant tie’. She wanted to study for a university degree, but worried that she wasn’t good enough and that, even if she found a way to afford it, it would be a waste of time and money. And yet, she really wanted to do this, to test herself. So her old friend put her in touch and we worked together on this, and not only did she complete her degree, she gained First Class Honours, and has since gone on to complete a Masters too. Yet, without that first introduction via a ‘dormant tie’, she might still be wondering whether she had it in her.

So, what can you do?

So, as an entrepreneur and business owner, what can you do to reach out and ask for support where you need it?

1.    Find a mentor: This can be a colleague or someone with specialised knowledge and experience in your specific field, or someone with extensive knowledge of the issues facing the small business owner.

2.    Ask customers: Your customers are a huge resource for honest feedback about your company, so sometimes it’s worth asking them. Once you know what they want and expect from you, it becomes much easier to meet their needs as well as your own.

3.    Engage your family: Your family members may have unique insights that let you see your business in a new light; don’t be afraid to ask for their advice.

4.    Consider a consultant: Perhaps you aren’t qualified or skilled enough to handle a particular area of your business. A smart business person knows it’s not just what you know, but also who you know, and that sometimes a consultant is a worthwhile investment. This can be expensive though, so ask for recommendations, or arrange a Coffee with Nami!

There’s tremendous value in asking for help. It benefits you, your business, and the people you interact with. That’s actually a win-win-win situation.

So if you need answers, support, or a friendly ear, please do get in touch: how can I help?

Nami Haghighi

[email protected]