Ask who they are before you ask what they do
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When you meet someone professionally for the first time, what’s the first question you ask?
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After name exchanges, we tend to quickly veer to ‘what do you do?’ Our world has conditioned us to link who we are with what we do. It grounds our connection in the context of workplaces, rather than in a simple human to human connection.
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This practice of linking ‘who we are’ to ‘what we do’ even has a term: enmeshment. Look it up – you will find several articles about the impact of enmeshment on human well-being, like this one.
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Compounding enmeshment is the system of ratings and calibration that occurs in most workplaces today, which looks and feels all too like school grading systems. Most people come out ‘average,’ while a few fall ‘below average,’ and an ‘elite’ few get ‘above average,’ who have a better shot at promotions, raises, etc. Unsurprisingly, it tends to trigger the same unhealthy responses and need for external validation in so many of us who are conditioned to achieve greatly in school so that we may have a better chance than previous generations.
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We have an opportunity to shift this – by shifting our mindsets, our signposts, our sense of self-worth from this outer compass of ‘what we do’ to the inner compass of ‘who we are.’
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It doesn’t mean that we all leave what we do. It means that we develop a healthier, more regenerative relationship to what we do.
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Indeed, we can support each other through the simplest, microscopic shift that completely changes the dynamics among us, that helps us recenter towards our inner compass.
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That microscopic shift is - when you meet someone the first time (or even the next time you meet someone you have known for a while), change your first question from ‘what do you do,’ to ‘tell me about who you are.’
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This is what I hope happens when we all shift towards connecting with each other at a human level: I hope that it will also help us shift our own axis from external signals, external validation towards our inner compass: who we are, what binds us to each other, what connects us to nature. And I hope this inner compass leads us to find our way, and to help others find their way, out of planetary and human burnout.
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The first step in that journey is: change the question.
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If you already do this, or if you start after reading this article, comment below to let me know how it’s going.
Kommunikation. Projektmanagement. Nachhaltigkeit. Gesundheit.
3 个月I already disliked this opening question at parties back in the days when I was still a student. I sometimes played this game that by getting to know the person you could guess then what they do. Not sure if I would still allow myself this playfullness:)
Sustainable Agricultural Supply Chains | Conservation | Rural Livelihoods - Views are my own.
4 个月Couldn't agree more. Even in social settings and on gameshows people tend to get asked what they do as one of the opening questions. If you do ask it, then at least follow it up with "why do you do that" or "why did you get into that line of work", which will open up the door to a more meaningful answer about what drives a person and what their passions are.